Welcome to my thread, 7up.

Maybe we should provide some incentive, like 10 days free chizuk. ;D

But seriously, I second the motion.

Calling all 'Guests'-

Time To take the plunge and become a member of this holy chevra!

Thanks for the welcome Hoping.

Sorry I took so long (wrong bus, then traffic jam, chafetz chashud by the shuk, .... you know how it goes) :D

I dont know if I count as a silent eavesdropper but Ive been following hoping and he's the type of friend I look for. Sooo...Hi hoping!

Welcome Will-
I have been following your thread and I am very impressed with your commitment. I can tell thatyou are in it for the long haul. I think 7up was referring to people who visit the forum but don't register or post. You have already taken that very big step.

Chazak Vematz

Either way, we WILL take WILL

WOOHOO!!

I have to keep remembering that Hashem is in charge and that I need Him to remove my YH for Lust. It should be easy for me to realize how I am helpless without Him, yet I still spendmuch of my day acting like I am in control. In addition,I find it difficult to daven at times, although when I do daven, it is with a much closer relationship with hashem. how can I feel that there is any honesty in my surrendering myself to Hashem when I cannot even get myself to daven to Him like I should :'(. I wonder if anyone shares this issue and whether anyone has any Eitzos.

Have you tried reading Praying with Fire?

hoping wrote on 21 Aug 2009 03:57:

Dear Hoping,
Yeah, but:
1- We are sober 2day and that's enough reason 2 dance, no matter how bad everything else is going, period.
1a- It is absolutely fantastic that you are sharing this rather than just brooding over it - yow! (What were you doing a year or two ago?) I wish I shared more than I do - living would be even easier than it is!
2- W/all very due respect to the hopingmeister (sorry), i'll remind you that while you (and I) have been spending the past 20, 30, whatever, years - y e a r s - practicing being focused on how well everybody else (including Hashem) is doing taking care of our needs - so much so that when we feel they are not doing a terriffic enough job of it we self-medicated by using lust and fantasy, etc to fill in the gaps...why do we expect real improvement on a deep level after a relatively short time? No guilt here, no blame here, at all. Only room for love here. But may Hashem help us both look at things w/more realism and acceptance...real improvement does take real time - and it is worth every minute. As Will posted well below, you are in this for the "long haul".
So...i'll review some quotes:
"it should be easy" - maybe it's not so easy after all...and that's OK.
"any honesty in my surrenderring when..." - let's take it easy here, shall we, brother in recovery...you obviously have some honesty!
"get myself to daven to Him like I should" - how do you/we know how Hashem wants you/us to daven to Him today? Maybe He "desires" the quiet pain of a davening that "seems it isn't what it should be" - our success in gadlus is empowered by our struggle in katnus. Besides, "get myself to..." reminds me of the times where I felt I should have the power to decree my moods and abilities. Those days are over - I need to remember (see R/TzviMeyer) that much of our abilities and moods are min hashamayim. Actually, the source of self-blaming for stinky moods and for lack of success in aliyah actually stems from ga'avah (and that's a big "program-yesod" I was struck with early-on, BH! - the great sefer "chovas hatalmidim" (in english now, FYI) deals with this quite a bit from a chassidish/chinuch perspective).
3 - Many folks in recovery  - particularly frummies like us - report that they feel as though they are going through a davening and avodah "dry period" in early recovery. For me it lasted nearly three years. Am I trying to scare you away? No...but it took me a long time to learn to have patience with myself, humility enough to accept my limitations, and maturity enough to start taking the more responsible small steps, rather than beating myself over the head with only the big steps!
So - read Battleworn's "The Torah Approach" and other material and you'll see that when we talk about "recovery", we really mean big, deep and real changes in how we live with emunah and stuff like that. If we had any "fakerai" (is that real yiddish?) at all in our davening and avodah before recovery, I believe we can (and should) expect a rather severe, visceral, automatic aversion to fakerai, in recovery. Particularly if there is fakerai in the core recovery tool: davening and avodah. Everyone has some dishonesty, fakerai, if you will, but as recovering addicts we just can't tolerate it very well. B"H for that. There are specific aitzos to improve davening. But that's not the point, really. For me, the ikkar is to stay in sobriety no matter what and to pour our hearts out to Hashem in whatever way we can, as often as we can. The real improvement in the davening and avodah happens mimeilah, in my experience. Just don't make the mistake of dropping tefillos, if you can, nor of despairing, c"v.
"Hoping" this was helpful, and - easy does it.
Love,
Dov
 

Sifsosov Dovevos!

What Dov wrote above should be more than enough, but I believe you'll find some good advice over here as well (read top to bottom). Dov writes there more along these lines...

Wow!
Thank you Dov for your response. It really helps. This is not the first time you had to remind me to take it easy and probably won't be the last. I guess I just have to figure out how to break my avodas Hashem into small steps like I have been doing with other things and not push the pace of improvement. I guess i have to practice what I have preached to others: the direction that I am headed is the most important thing and the speed of travel is not really under my control.

Guard- I think that this is the third time that I have read the page you linked to and each time, a different part of it speaks to me. Thank you!

I've been spending time this Elul thinking about Hashem and how I am utterly without ability until He helps me. Yes, I still spend much time not thinking about Hashem, but this sure beats last years Elul. NOONE can guarantee what tomorrow will bring, but I can say that if I continue to focus on doing positive things without regard for the failures that I have had, I will have truly learned a path towards true improvement and Aliya.
May HKBH grant us all success in becoming closer to Him and doing His will.

hoping wrote on 26 Aug 2009 19:03:


AMEN!

I wanted to thank everyone here for all of the wonderful support that I continue to get on this forum. 90 Days would not have been possible without every one of you.

The truth is, more important than the 90 days, is the important changes that I am making in my life that underscore the ability to stay sober. These changes take time and I hope to keep on becoming closer to Hashem and focus on doing His will. That is ultimately the only way to live. I am pretty sure that I would not have been forced to take such an honest look at myself without my addiction. I can say that although I deeply wish that I had never sinned, I still must make use of my past as building blocks for the future. I suspect that those who have more difficulty with the addiction itself may have even greater opportunities to focus properly on internal improvement and Avodas Hashem. We all have the ability to live our lives for the purpose of doing the Ratzon Hashem. We just need to want to do it.

This journey is far from over. When Chazal say that צדיקים אין להם מנוחה בעוה"ז , it is because those who begin to improve realize that it is an endless journey. I hope that we can continue on this Holy trip together. May we be Zoche to become closer to Hashem.

Dear Hoping -
The sharing in your posts is of tremendous value to all. We don't say Hallel on R"H but if we did, your post would make me want to say "pischu li sha'arei tzedek": Hashem, please open the gates of tzedek (honesty/righteousness) for us! We are all standing at the doorway because we see that we are all really just starting out! "avo vahm": Don't "worry", Hashem, we won't just stand here - we're going to actually take the action and walk in! And we won't forget you - "odeh Kah". Dovid hamelech then reminds us that: zeh hasha'ar laShem, tzadikim yavo'u vo - this is no place for babies or for wimps! The tzadikim enter this very same entrance! And the entrance fee is: simply admitting to ourselves that in some respect - no matter how far we have come - we are all at the entrance and we need Him to let us in. Mybe that humility or honesty is the very "gate", itself...