Hi, I've written before but with encouragement, i decided to start my own log. My story is that since the age of 17 , I have been acting out. I saw porn  (mags) when I was 8 at a friends house (his loder brother had them). Saw my first xxx movie at 12 and always was interested in girls. I never had a girlfriend and wondered what it would be like. i used to act out 2 or 3 times in one day. Sometimes once a week. No internet back then, thank G-d. Went to Israel for a year and a half and was pretty good, with infrequent acting out. Got married, it didn't help. I had the usual guilt, depression etc. Didn't get enough from my wife. She was also lax in counting her clean days. Her period was abnoral. Birth control. Have 4 kids and it is better. Once in a while I get the urge, when alone in the shower. Watched porn when we got internet a few months ago. Stayed clean for 60 days, then fell out of frustration.
Once I got busted by my wife 8 yrs ago, when I had dial up internet. It was only pictures then. I felt like crap, Guilt! Wife thought I had a thing for big gifted women. in reality, I wanted what I felt I wasn't getting or had. When with my wife, it was like I was forcing her. Like making love to a piece of wood. Limited expression. I didn't know if I was doing it right. All I wanted was feedback, some emotion. Ihad issues of finishing early, like in 30 seconds , so that weighed psychologically on my mind. it's a little better as I age but still not where i want it to be. I am working on it. my wife says its OK and that she has nothing to compare it to. I love her for that but the mind plays tricks on us.
Once, my mother took my mezuzah to a Rav who reads them. She came back and said," the Rav said that spilling seed is equivalent to killing 60,000 lives," I said,"that's nice," and freaked out. how could anyone know? That goes to show you like the Gemara in Chagiga says that a person's walls in his house will give testimony against him on Yom Hadin. Did I stop? No. Am I an addict? I think not. I think I am normal. If I wasn't Jewish, I prbably would've slept around. But i want to do better and be as Kadosh as feasible. With Hashem's help (and yours) We'll all get there.
Thanks for listening,
Penitent

Normal and being an addict are not contradicitary!!!! I know many normal guys who are addicts! From here on the forum. And like dr Twersky says, if we wanna stop and cant that means we are addicts. Aint nothing wrong with being an addict. We ned to be fully honest with ourselves if we expect full recovery.

as bards says Keep on trucking.  I know if you work on yourself you will get there. G-d and GYE are here to help!!

Hey Penitent,

Youre brave for coming out like this. I think there is a bery interesting point that you bring up. In general (obviously not always), Jews have a certain red line that no matter what, they wont cross. That is the red line of sleeping around. I dont want to give positive reinforcment for what we addicts do before were in recovery, but maybe in our own nisayon, in some skewed way, we are fullfilling Kedoshim Teheyu. I am sure I went to a face to face meeting and said that I never slept around, people would think I am crazy. Go Jews!!!!

-Yiddle

Had a 3 hour talk with my wife last thursday. We put it all on the table. What she wants, what I want, expect and expected. It helped clear a lot of misunderstood things. Communication. Open communication. I can't say it enough.
P

penitent wrote on 22 Feb 2010 02:56:
Wow!! Lucky you!! Im sure only good will come out from such a move!! Wishing you much hatzlacha!!

B'H, still going strong. 12 days clean. Going to Eretz yisroel soon. Hope to recharge my batteries.

That's fantastic! Communication is so important!

Gevaldiggggg
KOT!!