Dear Friends: Sorry I've been off in my own mind these last couple of days and not posting.

I've had a very very emotionally busy couple of days as I approach the end of a 20-day kaballa to be clean. Here's an update, and I'm hoping for your insights/comments.

That kaballa ends this evening. I've learned a lot. I want to express my thanks to all of you for jumping in to post, even in the face of some pretty long rambling posts without clear message.  It means a lot. 

And to the author of many insightful PMs, your direct, almost brutal comments scared away a lot of delusional thinking and brought me a tremendous sense of clarity.  Saying thank you doesn't even come close to my gratitude for your time. I'd love to hear from the decades of accumulated wisdom here on the forum.

silentbattle wrote on 31 Jan 2010 07:54:


Indeed you should really celebrate your accomplishment with kaballa #1.

From the joy of completing #1, #2 will be easier.  Celebrating ones accomplishments, is just as much a part of teshuva,
its shows that you not only regret the past, but you feel good about the positive direction in which things have turned.

The Chofetz Chayim threw a WEEK long party to celebrate the publication of mishna berura.

mekubal.

Sounds good to me...

KOT!!!!!!! ;D

Well, I’ve finally had a chance to “process” what’s been happening. Bottom line:  WOW, HOW HASHEM LOVES ME!!  My kaballa (see 1st post) brought me to a place higher than I ever thought. Not only was it not so bad staying “clean,” in contrast to many tries over many years, but much more was going on.

Well for starters,

Have a wonderful Shabbos!

Me3

Now for the bad news.

The first 3-4 weeks of a new kabbala often go well. You're all psyched,  the first rush of positive feelings are still there, etc.  Some time around day 30 (it varies ) the initial high wears off and the old desires return and with a vengeance.  And it's almost crippling in its intensity.

Why am I telling you this?

1. Forewarned is forearmed.
2. You can get through it.
2. You will get through it (With G-d's help)
4. Even if you don't, you can continue.

Me3, I've got news for you.  Probably bad news from your point of view. The formal kaballa is over. Twenty days, no renewal. I'm not running back to where I was before, but I'm not making any shvua either.

From here on, it's strictly one day at a time.

(Of course, when I took on Shabbos it was for a 6-month experiment followed by no further commitment / kaballa other than one day at a time.  Over 25 years now and "so far, so good."  So sometimes, the days add up.  But in my case, I'll do it without a kaballa or shvua or neder etc. Makes Erev Rosh Hashana much easier.)

Dear Briut, that was a beautiful post from the heart, and deep too!

The first 20 days you did for your friend, now how about aiming for the rest of the 90 days for YOU!

This can't be all about altruism. As Dov once wrote:

The missing ingredient for us frum guys to recover is not the "l'shem Shomayim" part. We know that idea already (though we are so upset at how we fail to put it into action, still doing crazy aveiros on a regular basis, etc.).

The one definite missing ingredient for me (and per AA, for many other addicts) was the "l'shem Atzmi"! Enlightened self-interest, as AA puts it.

I always thought that the struggle of lust was between my doing what Hashem wants me to do, or not doing it.

I never got better that way.

I see now that I was completely wrong.

When Hashem brought "kol mageifosai el libecha", I got the missing ingredient. I began to actually do what is best for me, for a change. And since then, I've been getting closer to Him than ever!

In recovery, the struggle of lust is actually being good to myself vs. punishing myself. It's a self-centered affair, really.

As Dovid Hamelech said, "Ainai tamid el hashem, ki hu yotzi mereshes raglai - my eyes are always to Hashem, for He will extract my feet from the trap".

I attach myself to Hashem because he saves me.... enlightened self-interest is not such a bad thing, it seems. (Especially if you are shayach to malchus, like Dovid Hamelech, who recognized that he has nothing of his own anyway). 

Once I have a "me", I can give that "me" to Hashem.... not before. And I give Him most of the credit for getting me there, and keeping me there.

Now that you've seen you can "survive" without your old "friend" the lust-injections, aim for the sky - one day at a time!

Hashem has let you in, are you gonna walk out on Him? Of course not.

And even if you slip and fall, you're still inside. The door is closed, there's no leaving now. Just get up and brush yourself off again! 

Briut, just want to let you that you're an inspiration. And that you've opened up my mind as well.

Gut Vach!

I'm not sure what to say...one day at a time is good, but it's a stepping stone to staying clean...one day at a time.

And by the way - any shvua you made would be a shvu'as shav - it's like making a shvua about something that's assur.

I think you can do it. I think you know that, too. It's scary. It's a huge step. It's totally different.

But you're not alone.

Briut wrote on 05 Feb 2010 20:28:


Oh, OK then never mind what I wrote then, it should be easy for you.

Me3 wrote on 07 Feb 2010 21:51:


Me3, are you for real?  I'm accustomed to your taking such a hard approach. Are you being sarcastic / cynical, or are you actually saying that "1 day at a time" is a comprehensive & admirable plan.

I wasn't serious.  Your answer didn't make sense. If one day at a time, which by the way is a great plan, gets you to 30 then my warnings will still be applicable.

Get to know Me3, he's a really funny guy but he can be bitingly cynical at times. (It all comes from his "3" I think.)

Insulted  >