Trust me, I do understand - but right now, if getting clean is a serious priority for you, then you'll make the time necessary.

I think that for me, part of getting clean was the process of spending much-needed time and money, which forced me to face, again ad again, how much being clean really was worth to me.

B''H I'm still clean. 10 days of no porn, masturbation, or seeing or talking to the woman. I need to stay super vigilant because one thing always leads to another. I want to publicly thank Hashem for responding to my prayers for purity and giving me siata d'shmaya. Ribbono Shel Olam, help me stay vigilant!

Yashar Koiach!

Hashem can give you the koach...but only if you're looking for it. Clearly, you are.

Keep it up!

B''H I'm still clean but it's hard to make the thoughts stay away. I ask Hashem for help. I know I need to be totally vigilant. I can't stop gazing on the street, but as soon as I get a bad thought, I try to distract myself and nip it in the bud. I say "I know I really don't want this, it just seems good but it isn't". But there is a very strong temptation to just zone out and think lustful thoughts, even without looking at anything or doing anything. But if I start doing that, it won't be long before I'm calling up the gentile women I was seeing and asking her to meet me in a motel somewhere *shudder*. Lust really does make a person insane and it made me do things I really never wanted to do or thought I would do.

Even if you start, you could still stop yourself. Don't set yourself up for failure.

And when you feel things getting difficult, reach out. Talk to someone. It's one thing to tell yourself all the reasons you don't want to do something. It's very different when you discuss it with someone else. I find that you hear it in a very different way.

B''H still clean. I'm in a bit of a lull right now and my laziness often gets the better of me. And laziness leads to inactivity. And inactivity leads to lusting. So it's a tight spot. I need to stay busy and on a schedule. I feel my desire to act out growing every day.

My debit card got hacked and had unauthorized charges on it so I had to stop it and order a new one. If the new one doesn't come soon, my WebChaver subscription will stop and then I won't have accountability working. That would be a hard nisayon...

I'm so close to losing it. I really understand what is happening though. I'm getting lazy and not keeping busy.

I know that I need to keep busy to beat this. I made a list of things that I can do that will keep me active. But the hard part is actually doing it. It's so much easier to just eat and sleep. I feel like junk because today I had a chunk of time and I meant to go to the gym and accomplish something useful, but instead I just slept and ate too much. And because of all the idleness, lust came in full force and I started having lustful thoughts and reminiscing about "the good times". NOOOOOOO!

I know what I need to do. I need make myself keep busy with stuff, and it hardly even matters what it is so long as it isn't self-destructive. I will post my list here just for clarity and in case anyone has feedback.

Ways to keep busy

-Play video game
-Read a fun book
-Visit *insert name of sick person from my kehilla*
-Clean apartment
-Go shopping for food, clothes, whatever
-Play piano
-Post on GYE
-Listen to Shiurim

If anyone has other ideas, please let me know. The kosher isle list is somewhat lacking.

Listen to music, go for a walk, a jog.

Write poetry.

Learn (find a sefer that you actually enjoy)

But most of all, feel good about your victories. Today, yes, you could have done more, perhaps. But look what you DID do: you stayed clean. And that's something very worthwhile, worth celebrating. The minute you stop believing that, you're in real trouble.

I just had a very near fall. I sat down at a secluded public computer that I just "happened" to be near and pondered the situation. I was about to give in. I actually went to a pornographic site but didn't look and closed the window and just got up and walked away. Boy that was hard but I feel proud that I'm still clean and going on 3 weeks. In the end, I didn't see anything pornographic even though I loaded the page.

Scary, and you should be shaken a bit - but doesn't that feel great? This is who you are, the real you.