Update from the old chart.

My last real streak ended at day 25. I don't know what set it off (maybe external pressure), but I got a huge pull towards acting out. I tried EVERYTHING, or so I told myself... the mirror, the inner shouting, physical exercise, praying for help... but it helped nothing. I was pulled down and fell. It was a huge shock... not only because I fell once again, but since I did not know where to improve!! Though I do know... my relationship with the Creator had "deteriorated"  a little; I had let the most, only, important thing of my life become less than what it should have been. I was not able to give up everything to Him. Something that is incredibly hard for me, since I am naturally someone who likes to control everything... and believes in the strength of the human mind; mind over matter philosophy. Why is it that I can drive myself close to collapse in sports and other areas of life, but cannot stop myself here? Is it because its an addiction and a foe so much more sophisticated and clever than a mere human body?... Because of my lack of will? ..  Because I still fail to see the first step of the 12? Or at least implement it enough?

Anyways, I was too ashamed to admit to You and my sponsor of my renewed failure, I stopped posting or writing about it. And it continued, a spiral of more falls... falling into a black pit... going so low as to not even feel very ashamed afterwards.... thinking "My soul asked for too much when it came down to Earth; that happens when you try and reach for the stars...." Three days ago I picked myself up ago, and kept clean till now. Back on my old track, with a better understanding of the first step. If it is enough, only the L-rd knows... ... I certainly pray and hope it is.

Greetings from a desperate struggler,
JG

Hi JG,

Do you go to SA meetings (you mentioned a sponsor)?

We feel your grief for falling! And we are so impressed that you finally picked yourself up and admitted your fall.  But please, please please, next time come right back to us.  Do not wait.  Do not be ashamed.  We are here for you.  We will do our best to buffer your fall.  But lets hope this is the last time you fall and we one day feel your happiness as we watch you emerge as a hero.

Someone, you're back n the chart!

Ok - some brutal honesty here now.

After my initial good strike of 40 days, I managed to reach 25 next, then a week of falling a couple of times, than 11 days. Yesterday (or actually today very early) I fell after 5 days clean.

As you can see - plain as facts can get - I am on a downward spiral. This is the reason for my absence from here. The "shame" and "guilt" would not let me go back. But as I stated earlier - thats my YH talking to me there.

I am looking forwards to that booklet! I desperately need something to set me on the right path.

I read the Tikkun Haclali after this last fall;  I hope the L-rd will help me (as well as you guys on the forum here!). In addition I will carefully try to understand more of the psalms.

Shomer: I do not take part in SA-meetings; if you want I can send you a personal message explaining why this doesn't seem possible at the moment. I did tell a good friend over the last week-end that I have an addiction, but maybe I should reveal the actual nature of it fully to him. I have an anonymous sponsor over the Internet. 

A good "live" friend is indeed one of the best things you can do. I highly suggest it. You'll see more about this powerful tool in the booklet in a few days.

You have a very beautiful soul, someone!

Someone,

I too struggled with the first step and "mind over matter" is not an important ideal for me so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you!  I have one simple thought to share.  Your success in pushing yourself to great heights in other areas of life (you mention physical endurance, for one) doubtless causes you to constantly raise the bar, even just a little.  If I can do X, let's see if do for X+1!  Eventually, this is bound to end in disappointment since the body is finite and cannot "stretch" indefinitely.  Failure, or the growing threat of failure as your expectations increase produces a huge amount of stress.  What if you don't measure up??  This stress is the ideal environment for lust addiction to flourish.  There's a gap that it seems lust can fill, at least briefly.

Think about why "mind over matter" is important to you.  Remember, you're not responsible for anyone else's failure and do not need to prove anything to anyone.  Just be true to yourself.