Hey sytv2002!

I hope you feel good. You are amazing. Day 1! That is greatness. Why? Because it shows you are trying. You get back up. It’s good to hear you.

Have a great day!

adventurousjellyfish wrote on 16 Jun 2025 18:50:

Seconded

I fell twice this week. Once last night and another tonight. I’m going to push to 90 days. I can do it. 

Oy, COH, I feel your pain.... Here's hoping you get out of the rut and move on to greater heights....

Day 83 posting… day 1 clean…

the motivation to be clean from p was completely out the window yesterday, and only due to Hashems kindness was i not able to find anything. Chasdei Hashem no p

Hey there! Just wanted to say that your determination is very inspiring. I'm wondering what your setup is filterwise? And have you considered webchaver? Cuz we both know motivation only goes so far..

Day 84 posting… day 2 clean…

motivation is really lacking I don’t think I’ll make it today

Wishing you strength, amazing watching your courage through the struggle. I find connection to always be helpful, maybe reach out to a friend or one of the gye members

I used to be kind of cynical about the ra-ra-ra for bochurim. Who do we think we are encouraging them with no *relief* in sight. 

But as time goes on I've come to appreciate the struggle more and more. Hang in there buddy you've got this.

Kavey I disagree. I dont want encouragement or to be told I’m doing well. Honestly I need a slap in the face. Hashem gave me one but then I still acted out after the fact. Because I was angry. Because the entire day today I couldn’t shake the urge. It wouldn’t leave. It was only a matter of time. Literally on my way home from work to finally give in to my urges, I damaged my car. I’m fine. Just annoyed. The cost of fixing it is not something that I find ideal right now. And you know what? It happened because I wasn’t paying attention to the road. Where was my attention? On my phone, trying to find P. So it serves me right. I’m posting for accountability, but honestly it’s been such an awful day I literally told myself I need the hour of bliss that porn will give me. Did I run away from my problems? Yes. Did it fix anything? No. I had no motivation to be clean though. And I’m done hiding behind the false motivation of being clean for shidduchim… HASHEM DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY SHIDDUCHIM. HES MADE THAT OBVIOUS. (I do have to mention that outside Shidduchim Hashem gives me so much. I recognize that.)
But I’m done waiting. I’m done thinking that dating my wife will give me motivation to be clean. I’ll stop watching for me. And only me. I will. I’m confident in that because I’m falling less and less often. That’s the only bright side here. But I couldn’t shake this one. The urge just wouldn’t leave. And then my car and the money and that was my last straw. I was even planning my schedule that I would fall but make sure I still davened mincha with a minyan. Well, car damaged, and I’m too pissed off so guess what? It’s 3 minutes last shkiya and I haven’t davened. For the first time in a long time I’ve had thoughts of just giving up Judaism. I love it and connect to it. But I’m too overwhelmed right now. 

(just by the way for those of you who will suggest to speak to a mentor now, thank you, wonderful idea. But not for me. I wouldn’t be able to express myself properly. My words above are raw emotion. Take them however you’d like)

Here's a virtual hug, man. That is really really rough. 

Hey, Sytv, here's another tight hug. My guess is you could use a few right now
My friend, there's a recurring theme in a few of your posts about Hashem not caring bout your shidduch. Interestingly, you see Hashem's kindness in all of your life. My friend, I'm not C"V minimizing your pain, but can you please try, if you are granted a moment of clarity, to think how that can be? Can it be that Hashem cares about every one of your needs, He bestows unlimited kindness upon you in so many ways, but He decided that not for this?!?!?! My friend, please stop trying to be Hashem's accountant. Again, I feel your pain. And you know it's true. I wish all your pain goes away right now. Please try to realize that Hashem cares about every aspect of your life, and He loves you endlessly. How this is Chessed? I don't know, but somehow it is. My friend, try. If it doesn't go, I get you. You are in tons of pain. And no matter what, your Father loves you more than anything you can imagine

sytv2002 wrote on 19 Jun 2025 00:36:

Hogwash, you seem plenty articulate. That's just your "addict brain" (and I use that term loosely here) short circuiting your mind of possible solutions.

Crashing your car because you're hunting for porn is not normal behavior....help is out there, tools/friends/mentors/fellowship or whatever, if you are interested. 

Day 85 posting… day 1 clean… 

thank you all for the encouragement and words of wisdoms…

Feeling better at the moment, and motivated to be clean. Please Hashem just today!

Day 86 posting… day 2 clean. 

baruch Hashem had such a great day yesterday. tonight will probably be very hard. Childhood crush and her husband will be in my house. I’ll hopefully leave before they even get there. But iyh I’ll stay clean through shabbos