Apparently it is a good time
I was thinking more about the choice theory that I posted about around pesach time. I think that for some things it makes sense to keep the sense of choice (which is a sense of being a person with free will, also known as a mentsch and a tzelem elokhim) but for some things which are completely destructive it would be wise to make the decision now to give it up and make it so it is inaccessible.
So for movies and other things which waste time and have a lot of bad things about them but aren't literal poison I want to be using choice theory, while for porn I want to decide not to have access to it anymore. 
It does get difficult when b'etzem there is access but my wife has the password, this creates a resentment, since it's within reach but being held back. I think it would be better if we got rid of the smartphone completely (even though there are things I use it for which are good) and thereby get around this current road block.

I had a thought during the rosh hayeshivas shmuz today, I was feeling very uncomfortable that I spend upwards of 4 hours everyweek working on myself and talking to others in order to overcome this battle. I feel like I'm not in yeshiva for those times and feel less like a bnei yeshiva. Meaning that I've lost the sense that being in yeshiva and focusing on torah and avodas hashem is my main goal, I've supplemented it with the goal of becoming healthier and more emotionally stable and not chasing lust all the time as a means to live. My rosh hayeshivah was speaking about how we can come to a point of realizing that our connections to others and working bein adam l'chaveiroh is an avodas hashem and they are not mutually exclusive, when I'm doing one I'm not doing the other rather when I'm involved in bein adam l'chaveiroh I'm involved in avodas hashem. I realized that I cna apply this to my situation as well, it's not 2 different focuses in life, working on addiction and separately learning torah and doing mitzvos. rather working on this struggle, spending the countless hours in meetings and in therapy and journaling, that is my avodas hashem right now just as much if not more than sitting and knaking on a rashba.
I'm trying to imagine, if I had the opportunity to learn 1 on 1 with the rosh kollel, some inyanei kedushah, whatever it would be. But it would come out of seder time. I wouldn't feel like my life is split between being in seder and learning with the rosh kollel! I would feel like I'm spending my entire day focused on 1 thing, growing in torah and ruchniyus!
So too now, in my life, I spend my whole day growing in torah and ruchniyus. Maybe it looks different than other people, but the reason I'm going to therapy and going to meetings is in order to become the best person I can be so that I can serve hashem fully.
I'm hoping to try and focus on this idea more and be more compassionate to myself in the coming week.
I still have a lot to work on but B"H I'm getting a better and better view of the silver lining to be reached.
Keep on fighting everyone!

checking in.
Had an ok day today. Went to a meeting in the morning which was nice, but at the end I was talking to someone and I started to feel very pressured, the feelings I was getting was "if you aren't always going to meetings as much as possible, you're not serious about the program and don't really belong here." I was told before I joined SA that some people there felt this way and I would get these pressures, and it was hard to deal with it. 
Then when I got to morning seder my chavrusah wasn't being so nice which made me feel even more unstable. B"H I took some time for myself and went through my mental exercises, getting in touch with myself and why I felt so crummy and then having compassion for myself.
The bottom line is I'm responsible for my own recovery (which is super important for everyone to realize!) and others can give me advice and guidance based on what worked for them and what they saw worked for others, at the end of the day I know myself the best and have to choose what I'm going to do to keep growing. Also I know that even if I'm not ready to work the steps seriously I'm still welcome by the meetings because I "have a desire to stop lusting" which is the only thing needed for membership. this fellow I was talking to is also very sweet and calm and I know he didn't mean to give off those vibes.
My plan is to spend some time doing self therapy tomorrow morning, getting in touch with those feelings of being judged and pressured to do something I don't think is good for me. I also plan on calling this fellow tomorrow to discuss my feelings and how I want to move forward.
Meanwhile some of the suggestions he gave I am going to try for a week and see if I can keep up with them:
1) start writing a history (this is not suggested for everyone, it's in order to better understand why I need help and cannot just rely on myself to recover).
2) reach out to 2 people every day, not just a text but a phone call
3) read recovery material for 5 minutes 3 times a week
4) have a check in with an accountability partner/mentor twice a week
Here's to hoping for a nice peaceful and clean week, Hatzlacha everyone!

hopefulposek wrote on 18 May 2025 23:51:

Sorry you had a rough day

Writing a history (pen and paper and all) is a fantastic way to get a real handle on what's going on with yourself. 10/10 recommend for anyone (imho).