I had a insight today after Bh being much more in control of my thoughts and actions over the last 25 days. I realized that bh Ive been avoiding physical triggers (not looking, listening.. to things that may trigger me) But so far the hardest urges ive had, are due to my thoughts. Not thinking about inappropriate things just when im stressed or having a hard day, It causes me to doubt my abilities. After paying attention to this for the past couple weeks I noticed how ridiculous a stressful day in my life looked. I wake up to my baby screaming and hes not falling back asleep, I get upset and my mind starts to tell me HEY its time to watch porn now, (because obviously that will put my kid to sleep.) Im learning first seder its a very hard sugya nothings making sense. I leave first seder feeling unaccomplished. My mind tells me HEY its time to mastrbate. (because obviously that will help me understand Rashi) Its completely ridiculous but till now I never noticed how ridiculous it was.
Im not even sure if at this moment the fact that im realizing how funny it is, helps me fight these urges. Its still a struggle. But it definitely feels good to be a little more in CONTROL that I even notice these things!!!

Also I had a win today not in the area of kedusha but related. Im usually a more relaxed guy. But today something ticked me off pretty bad, And to add salt to the wound after that, the guy that ticked me off  asked me for a favor directly related to what he did to me. My initial thought was what the heck, no chance. But as I was about to text this guy it popped into my head HEY your 25 days clean. Your a diff man! And I was BH able to control myself and actually did the favot for the guy!!

Thanks

This is unbelievably valuable insight!! 
recognizing those patterns of thought, and realizing that you do have a choice- this is invaluable growth! 
Change is sweet. The courage to do so is sweeter! 

Keep on trucking, Chaver! 

Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

p.s.  Tonight the רבש״ע said that we should be a Mamaleches Kohanim and a goy Kadosh. Why a Mamleches? Because it takes Malchus to become so. And your self-aware control is the Midda of MALCHUS!!

Hi checking in. Im on day 28! 4 weeks! But thats not whats making me happy tonight. This shabbos was complete HELL I had the hardest struggle since I started and prob since the day I was born. I saw something triggering on erev shabbos (not my fault) I didnt take a second look but it was enough to throw my life upside down. I never felt this way in my life. the feeling that I needed to release was SO strong. I BH was able to ignore it and had a extra special friday night davening. BUT it didnt let up I couldnt fall asleep twisting and turning fighting the urges. I finally fell asleep. BUT it didnt let up I was dreaming about the struggle I was having. I dreamt that I was fighting it and bh nothing happened throughout the night. I woke up at 5am to feed my baby and it started all over again. I couldnt fall asleep and when I did, the dreams repeated itself... I woke up in the morning and it didnt let up. After the sueda I was to scared to go take a nap. I sat on my couch and said tehilim for a good part of the afternoon but it wasnt giving up. I pushed myself to the bais medrash and sat and learned for a couple hours. After that BH it calmed down a little. Im not out of the woods yet but im feeling much better BH!!! So here I am 4 weeks clean but what I accomplished in the last 24 hours far out weigh 4 weeks of working and sweating!
Thank you hashem for giving me the koach! Thank you Gye and my amazing mentors for helping reach this place! I hope BE''H Ill only have good news share in the future!

Thanks so much for your post now I understand deeper what chazal meant when they said 
1. יפה שעה אחת 
2. בראתי יצר בראתי תורה תבלין

Yes thank you. People often wonder why it is that so many of sit and learn the whole day and the torah doesnt help us. Im sure theres plenty of answers ill just say 1 that comes to mind. I once heard from a gadol that the torah doesnt force itself on you. You have to be ready and willing to give up whats meaningful to you and let the torah do its magic! If your going to sit in bais medrash and learn but deep down you still waiting for the opportunity to go back to the shmutz that your doing. Of course its not going to help. But once your on the road to recovery and actually making life changes to help yourself from this struggle then BE"H the torah can begin to do its magic!!
Have an amazing Yom Tov!

daverose wrote on 01 Jun 2025 08:10:

Beautiful.
At the same time, maybe all the Torah learned (albeit shelo lishma) up to this point, is the zchus that got you onto the road to recovery.

daverose wrote on 01 Jun 2025 08:10:

Yes very true point, when I finish learning I usually say a small prayer that המאור שבה יחזירנו למוטב 

daverose wrote on 31 May 2025 20:06:

WOW!!

Muttel wrote on 01 Jun 2025 17:18:

DOUBLE WOW!!!

Who knows what terrible decrees were averted as a result of this מסירת מפש. Thank you for staying strong!

amevakesh wrote on 01 Jun 2025 17:49:

Incredible gevura!
Something that in the past has sometimes been helpful to me, is to take that all consuming urge and separate the feeling “that I need this” from the negative behavior that it is pulling you towards.  You can redirect that neediness towards something that you really want such as davening for the bais hamikdash etc.  


if you try this, please let me know if it works for you. 

best regards 
vehkam

Hi BH the first day shavous was day 30 for me!!! I had a picture in my head what that day would feel like. But it doesnt feel like I thought. I just feel terrible the whole yom tov I was overwhelmed with desire BH I didnt P or M. But I let myself get aroused and I lusted on the street. I was assur with my wife for the past 2+ weeks and after the past couple days I lost control, I needed the release. I didnt let myself get it, although at the time thats what I wanted. Bh we became mutter and now I feel even worse. I couldnt control myself I needed it and even though I got it b'heter I feel like I gave in. I allowed myself to be overtaken with desire. And I allowed myself the release. Even though it was with my wife it still feels like I gave in. I can use chizzuk!!!
I know that its unreasonable to expect myself to be completely healed after just 32 days but it still feels like im back at day 1 even though the counter isnt reset. 

Any advice???

Hey, here’s a warm hand. 
Hang on, don’t fall into despondency- for now focus on your win, please, which is pretty impressive. The journey takes time. The other part of your question is worth a conversation- please reach out if you’d like to shmooze it through a bit… 

In the meantime, here’s a hug, 
chaimoigen 

I second the motion of you having a conversation with CO. Grab the invite!
My friend, when we get stuck in our negative thinking, it becomes so hard to see the truth. And that's why we have friends, who can listen to us, and can help us see the truth, can help us see how amazing we are, how normal our urges are, how proud we should be of ourselves
Dave, you're doing wonderful work. Please reach out to a friend for a real tight hug. 
In the meantime, here's mine

eerie wrote on 04 Jun 2025 17:43:

If you've got CO and eerie at your side, you're a lucky man!
Grab that invite! 
Don't let eerie go!
My friend, those "feelings" that you were expecting can come, but they take time...
KOMT!