Today I updated the chart to 36 days. But its been such a quiet day at work. I really hate having to write this. I just hate feeling so dependant. Why can't I just manage on my own ? I feel so vulnerable and so exposed. But if I don't write then I feel myself thinking "Its only you. Big deal. So you will start the count again. Anyway everyone else seem to have falls eventually." I feel like the old Chizuk is still there but I need a new Chidush. I have been thinking the whole afternoon "break my record or not ??" I just don't have the koach to continue battling. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it is over. Its horrible. 

With me, that's the YH's most successful tactic.
He makes you feel tired of fighting
Not intersted in battling
Just want to give in.
Enough already.
Block out all those thoughts of chizuk
They are old, I heard them already
They don't motivate me anymore.
Who cares, it's just not worth it anymore.
Just a few minutes, then I'll be fine.


There's only one way to beat him.
You have to look hin in the eye
And say. I know what you're trying to do
It aint going to work.
You can disguise yourself in any shape
any form
any emotion
any lack of emotion
But I'm there
I know it's you
AND I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT!!!!!

But this has to come from you my friend,
you need to fight from within.

All the best,

me3

PS The fact that you posted, means that you are'nt willing to give in, cuz as they say in GI Joe, posting is half the battle.

I hope you realize that this is not about "How long of a streak". It's about something so high and great that we can't even put it into words. But ironically, for that same reason we cannot value it properly. It's infinite. How can we attribute any level of importance to it? So our reaction to this should ideally be "If it's so amazingly lofty that it can't even be put into words, then of course I should vaue it more than even life itself". But the human brain H-shem wants us to serve him with - just doesn't work that way. If it can't see something - it can't give it real importance. That's why we have to give it all sorts of imaginary incentives. Hence - "the streak".
But at times we are not given the opportunity to utilize this trick of "clothing" our true incentives inside materialistic ones.
That is when we feel we don't care.
Why should this be? Isn't it a wonder? We know one tangeable thing (our positive feeling) is without a doubt more important to us than another tangeable thing (our momentary excitement), yet we consider the lesser to mean more to us at that moment? Can 100$ ever mean more to us than 1000$?
I'm pretty sure I know why these things have to happen.
It's not enough to fight all your battles on an "imaginary" plane. Similar to torah lishmah. It's doesn't suffice for one to learn his whole life for the sake of respect it will bring him. It's ok to learn like that when he feels empty, and the lishmah incentive won't do it for him, but it can't ALWAYS be like that.
Similarly, it's ok for us to abstain on account of external incentives - MOST of the time. But there are some instances, where we are called upon to bring out the strength of the depths of our neshama. To fight with pure emunah - which can't come from the brain. Yes these times are exceptionally difficult, but at the same time they contain the true reason we were brought to the lives and struggles we have. No logic rhyme or reason can make a difference to us when this happens. We just have to close our eyes and say "Neshama, I need your strength NOW!!!".

I hope you make an amazing kiddush H-shem.

Kollel Guy wrote on 07 Jan 2010 15:45:

Unfortunately not.
Thank you both, for your concern.
Unfortunately I posted my SOS at the end of the day and I left work shortly afterwards. At home I don't have a computer which meant that I wasn't able to see your gevaldiger chizuk. I thought it is ironic that at the same time that the internet is much the source of a lot of the problems, now with GYE I "need" the internet to get through the difficult times.
Anyway, two things about this fall. One is that I found that I have a new Yetzer Tov called GYE who is very difficult to ignore.
Another thing is that by "coincidence" for practical reasons I was unable to learn with my Chavrusa's from Thursday morning, each one for a different reason. Although I am not sure of how spiritual I am, I have always regarded learning before work as my lifeline and I think that this proved the point, although I am not under the illusion that that alone would have saved me.

No filter at work?

Whether or not other people fall is irrelevant.

Right now, though, you had a weak moment. I can understand that - I have that, too - and it feel yucky to have to reach out. It feels needy. But that's what we're here for - we're your friends, and we want to hear from you, we want to be there for you.

And what you need to remember is that you DID make a kiddush hashem - every second that you held back. Even the post where you asked for help is a huge kiddush hashem, as you reach out to try and avoid falling.

The fact that you fell is a tragedy - but we say "fell shmell," because otherwise the yetzer hora gets us to focus on the fall, instead of all the wonderful success that we had - and (perhaps even more importantly) the wonderful successes that you will have.

It might help to have someone that you can be in touch with by phone? Maybe using google voice to retain your anonymity...

I still love you and respect you!

Thanks SB. I love you all too. Its history now although I am not sure that in Shomayin they make the same Cheshbon. I hope that they do .

KG Sore point. Of course I have a filter on my own computer, but if I really "want" there are other computers in the office which I have access to. It was not easy, but in the end....I don't really have a solution. I can't install k9 on everyones computer.

Ha - maybe you should install k9 on everyone's computer! Now that's being a kana'i!!  :D

They absolutely do - I've mentioned the famous line from the chofetz chaim before - he's talking about lashon hora, and says that for every second that a person holds themself back when they're tempted, they get a connection with god that no creation (even angels) can fathom. It makes sense to me that the same would apply here.

Can you imagine how happy i was? I was talking with an older married friend, and mentioned this site - we were discussing different issues, and I mentioned my thoughts regarding this chofetz chaim, asked him if he agreed - he said that not only did he agree, he's pretty sure that the original chazal is actually talking about this nisayon, too!

So I can say with pretty solid confidence that yes, they do make that cheshbon. But the fall is history, you're standing again, and moving forward.

You rock!

Anyone who even after he falls is still on this site deserves major credit. Slowly but surely...

I was clean for 139 days and then I fell. Don't do it. I can tell you it is not worth it. I am a still in the mud. I keep falling after two or three days. This has been going on for weeks. Over the weekend I realized how far I had fallen and started to pull myself out. It pains me to share this.

You wrote "its only me" what does that mean? You are amazing! You held out 36 days so far

Also Hashem loves YOU. Hashem sent you this site.
Do know how many people wish they knew about this site?

THOUSANDS, if not TENS OF THOUSANDS!!!!

If He sent you here He loves you TONS and wants to help you do Teshuva.

Please don't make the mistake I made- hold strong till Mashiach

By the way, just realized - the chofetz chaim is talking about someone who restrains themselves, even for just a moment. But you did more than that - you reached out, trying to avoid doing the aveirah entirely! You "risked" completely losing the chance to do the aveirah! If anything, that's even more incredible!

OK, so thinking more about your original post (Thanks, Holy Yid, for reminding me)...first of all, yes - it would be nice if we could sleep till we woke up tzaddikim!  But our job is to work, and make ourselves holy.

And you spoke about being alone...have oyu ever considered an accountability group? Where if one person falls, everyone restarts their count? I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it. I haven't considered it before, but I'd be open to the idea of linking forces with you...

Today is day 28 days since my fall, but day 64 since I began counting.
The fact that today is day 64 even though I fell in between has become extremely relevant to me.
First of all, 64 clean days is in itself an achievement.
Secondly, I think that I can honestly say now, four weeks after the last fall, that even my fall was an exception to the rule, and was not really part of me, like it would have been before I started my journey.
Thirdly I feel that the fall itself was part of the journey, and was ultimately constructive and not destructive. The main lesson from it was…..yes, how to handle a fall. In fact I discovered an interesting paradox. It seems that once I got the fear of falling out of my system, only then was I able to relax and become the new me. Like a child who is learning to ride a bicycle. As long as he keeps on looking down, concentrating on not falling he will continue to fall. Only by focusing on his journey, will he learn to keep his balance.

Well said! Congrats on both your counts!

KUTGW! no koach? You don't need koach. Hashem's got the Koach, you only need hashem :-)

Ovadia, that was beautiful!! ANd i couldnt be more maskim!!

Keep it up. It seems like your doing great!