Day 87 posting… day 0 clean… no p bh

Day 88 posting… day 1 clean 

Day 89 posting… day 2* clean…

Day 90 posting… day 1 clean…

90 days complete! Bh there’s been a lot of improvement and insight. I wish I could say I’m completely clean but iyh ill start over and do round 2 of 90 days posting. Just being on here every day gives me chizzuk to continue this battle. 

I was want to add that I had a specific realization this week from the parsha of the meraglim that has completely shifted my mindset. And being that I publicly vented, I also want to publicly ask mechila from Hashem.
Reb Eerie you are so right. It doesn’t make sense that Hashem gives me so much and loves me so much in all areas of my life and then hates and torments me in regards to shidduchim/girls. That can’t be. Hashem loves me through and through, despite my struggles and challenges. He tests me, and it hurts, but I am no longer complaining. I will not make the same mistake that my ancestors did in the מדבר. They had everything they needed and wanted, besides E”Y. But it was coming, with time. And love. Hashem was there every step. The ענני הכבוד, the מן, direct line of communication through משה… but then the meraglim came and the yidden were so quick to complain and turn on all of the good that was with them. 

I feel like I made the same mistake as them and complained as if Hashem hasn’t been with me the whole way, and for that, Hashem I am sorry. I understand now. I think. I’m in the מדבר. E”Y is coming. My Shidduch is coming. But right now I am truly recognizing that you are with me every step of the way and I am HAPPY and feel loved with where I am RIGHT NOW. It may hurt and there may be triggers, but those are tests, and as my Rebbi describes, opportunities. Chances to rise up and grow and get closer to you. For the first time in a long time, I am truly at peace with where I am. There is no more anger. Hashem I don’t feel like you’re tormenting me anymore.  I’m ashamed I felt that way. I only feel love. I have everything I could ask for ba”h and am on my way to E”Y with all of your chessed. 

Hashem, I publicly complained, and now I am publicly asking mechillah. I truly am so sorry.

With love,
sytv 

Beautiful stuff!!! Congratulations on your progress. Perhaps consider calculating how many of these 90 days you were clean. Then set yourself a goal for the next 90, to try to beat that amount by whatever amount of days you think is realistic. Soldier on, and keep on trucking one day at a time. 

Here we go round 2

day 1 posting… day 2 clean…

amevakesh, great idea, let’s beat round 1!

Posting for accountability… had a big fall.

bh not feeling so down. I want to try something. I want to go a week clean from P. I need some extra motivation though. My idea is that I’ll go one week clean from P if someone else here can commit to the same thing. And I’m referring to someone else who still struggles and is having a hard time staying clean (sorry vets ).  I’ll daven for you and you daven for me. And we’ll be in touch each day. Just one week clean from P. 
if you’re interested please email me sytv2002@gmail.com

Day 2 posting… day 1 clean…

feeling strong and plenty of motivation. Still looking for a partner for the week though… maybe even month?

Day 3 posting… day 2 clean

Day 4 posting… day 3 clean