You described my quandary well. I've been trying to find the wise and experienced person for a while, but as I am seeing it might take my wife to get to the point of absolute desperation to be open to different options (hey, I think I recognize that experience!)

I was not able to manage my challenge with lust, so Hashem replaced it with bigger challenges.

Day 3 - no news on the computer bh! Hard not to look now with Israel attacking Iran, and my father is en route flying to Israel but reportedly the airport is closed down for safety. Hashem will watch over everyone there, I can't contribute any more by checking the news right now.

Just want to share today's Hayom Yom (Chabad daily lesson) for all those who don't (yet) study it (emphasis at the end is mine):

The early sages, who were like angels (may their merit protect us) have already determined that the healing of the soul is like the healing of the body:

The crucial first step is to identify the location of the illness, whether it is caused by the crassness, grossness and corruption of his physical body or by a failing in his soul-powers, the person being inclined to undesirable traits like arrogance or falsehood and the like. Or, the source of the malady may be habit - inadequate rearing or unwholesome environment having brought on bad habits.

Without ascertaining the specific site of the illness and the cause of infection, it is impossible to embark on a cure. One can only prescribe an orderly proper conduct in all matters, what to do and what to avoid. To "do good" in terms of observing mitzvot, designating times for Torah-study and acquiring good character traits - and also to "turn away from evil."

Most urgent of all, however, is that the patient make himself aware of two things: a) to know that he is ill, and desire most fervently to be cured of his malady; b) to know that he can be cured, with hope and absolute trust that, with G‑d's help, he will indeed be cured of his sickness.

BH. Life is quite the learning experience - and your physical reality doesn't know which class its signing up for next. 

I collected pirushim and wrote a lot of my own on Perek 34 of Tehillim - the kapital for addicts, mentally ill, the imprisoned, or anyone for whom life has reached unmanageable levels (or a loved one), and is forced to just turn to Hashem alone. Several years ago, this was still somewhat of an intellectual exercise and hadn't reached my core. Now I am feeling the last of my ability and desire to manage/control life slipping away, and I need to turn to Hashem just to get through each day and hope that somehow Hashem will make things work out.

That's how I should have naturally felt in the height of my addiction, and really should feel now about it. Ok, so now the main focus of my utter helplessness is in my wife's health and the constant demands on me, while her requests to me feel, and from the opinion of someone who saved her when I had to carry her into his office she was so gone, that she is harming herself by me taking care of her the way she is asking.

But with this experience, I can reflect on the utter helplessness I have in life in general, and about my lust challenges. I thought I can change the world, when I can't even manage myself. Delusional much? But all can work out if Hashem wants it to, and he can heal me and give me purpose and ability to do in life as He wishes. Obviously I need to put in my own work.

And Hashem appreciates and loves each individual, as he or she is. Point brought home by some of the many trying to help that are clearly not emotionally/mentally healthy, those flaws can come out as well, but I can appreciate the heartfelt gestures of kindness even as its more like I'm offering the support than receiving the support (like the Bardak - Bonei Olam chicken video).

Overwhelming to have a chat of 100 people saying Tehillim for my wife and providing financial support. There goes my macho bravado facade. I just need to be present and grateful.