100! WOW kein yirbu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! l'chaim!!!!!!!!!!

I really wish i can give you a hug right around now..... 
I feel you pain even though I can't imagine what you are going thru. 
Just accept the situation for what it is. Hashem created us; we didn't create ourselves, so there has to be a very good reason for creating us. 
Just lean back and take a load of your shoulders.  השלך על ה' יהבך

Time for an update: Made it clean to 108 days, then had a mini-fall under very challenging circumstances, then my yetzer horo convinced me to do worse since I already "lost my sobriety".

I've been in touch with HHM - its been very helpful.  He helped me realign my perspectives, and told me I should keep counting my clean days, noting the fall with a star in my communication with him (110*).

Just having a listening ear for what I'm going through is very necessary, and I am grateful for the encouragement and understanding. Be"h i hope and plan to stay clean the rest of the way to 180.

I don't know how long I should keep this thread open, if my wife finds it she will be very upset at me for mentioning anything about her. Maybe I should open a new one.

Thanks for mentioning the idea of using a star, I've fallen for this confusion of mini falls so many times.
May you see only Hatzlocho, especially in the zechus of sharing this. Gut Voch

Wow, that's a great idea! I can personally relate to exactly what you're saying, as the first setback I had after joining GYE, was exactly in the way you described.
BTW, this is my first post since joining GYE close to 2 months ago, so I guess, hi everyone, nice to be here!

I'm happy this thread encouraged you to post! I hope you keep posting and keep up the good work!

Nice to hit 127* days clean in time for Purim!

135* Clean days bh.

I wanted to share a shift in perspective I had recently. A lot of times Hashem sends me messages through what I say to my kids - I do a double take and think "I really should be applying this to myself".

Friday night, my 5 yr old turned on the room light, and the 11 yr old roommate had to choose the bed in another room that wasn't as nice, or share the nicer bed with the 5 yr old. There was a lot of complaining and crying, and the message that came to me to share was "You are in a challenging and uncomfortable situation, but you have choices. You could choose to be upset, stay up and be tired - that is a choice - or you could make the best of the current choices of beds you have. This is how it works a lot in life - there may be some very unpleasant situations you go through, but you always just need to make the best choice of what you have available".

Afterwards I was thinking to myself - I am in a very challenging situation, the likes of which I would have never imagined I would find myself, despite being smart, talented, and capable. I am having tremendous challenges with supporting my wife who has been not well since shortly after we got married, chronically sick for 11 years, bedridden for most of the past 6 years, and struggles to digest food for over a year. Past 3 months have not been good. I've been taking care of her and 5 young kids this whole time. She has pushed me and all the kids to be on a very strict diet, so I have to make all their meals myself. I'm running around all day to make her food and go shopping and the requests change constantly. A ton of supplements, essential oils etc. so it feels like any money I make or support I receive goes right out the door. 

My previous job cut my pay in half recently. I am on the path to launching a rehabilitation program which has a lot of potential but is struggling to get off the ground. My psychologist partner in this program has an innovative method to share the message that --- a person always has choices, and has to make the best choice available all the time, under any circumstance.  So I need to share this message - but actually, I more than anyone else needs to hear and learn this message big time.

I am reflecting on the underlying message of addiction: "Because of _____, I have no choice but to turn to ______ in order to______ ".  Essentially, that is the message of SA, that I am powerless, and I took that message to heart but never fully turned my will over to Hashem. But I think that for me, the healthier and more helpful message is: I may be in an extremely challenging situation, and its true I have been running after unhealthy content, P&M for 30 years - but I DO have a choice TODAY. I actually have a lot of choices to make throughout the day. And even if I made some less healthy choices in the morning, I still have to make better choices in the afternoon, and tomorrow etc.  And Hashem gives me these choices because He believes I have the capability of making the better choice. And wherever I have no choice, i have to have acceptance that this is the will of Hashem who wants the best for me and will make everything turn out great in the end.

This perspective shift has pulled me out of my negative attitudes a lot and gain serenity, and I hope I can keep holding on to it. 

Thank you to all those who are reading this, maybe its poshut for you, but if it inspires you or reminds you to make a better choice, it was worth my writing. And even if it doesn't, I needed to write it anyway, so I hope you'll excuse me for taking your time - especially since it was your choice to read it. 

Rabbi Yossis, 

I dont know what to say. 
Just sending a hug your way. 
You should always be able to say yay!
I trust Hashem come what may.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Dont throw in the towel and say hey. 
Let me watch something that will make me forget my Oi Vay
Or maybe ill go out and be Gay (dont  know if this applies to you, but it rhymes, so..........)
NO! There is always a better way.
Get closer to Hashem Vrui Kol Amay
That Yossis Smart is here to stay
He told the YH NAY
I will not follow you into the bay
I will stay loyal to Hashems Armay

Here is another hug for reading my little poem..........

Love it Chancy! Keep 'em coming!

Thanks for the double hug, I'll take them where I can get them, even virtual.
My wife doesn't want to take one or give one - she's afraid that might lead to intimacy  and I'm not sure why, I've given her hugs and have not asked her then or otherwise for intimacy in probably 6 months. (Going on 3 months now with no intimacy and learning some real acceptance.)
:disappointed:I've been taking it out on my kids and giving them extra hugs, I know they appreciate it.

An oy moment today - my wife saw some searches from a few months ago that were blocked by sentry pc.

Painful to watch her be in pain over that. I know she is strong and that she knows I'm working on myself. But I have to work hard to be positive about my process now.

KIT

142* days clean.

B"h I just donated for a $100 raffle ticket to GYE in deep appreciation for this platform and in honor of all of you guys and the incredible work you have done to lift me up and give me hope when I'm feeling down. I don't have much to spare, but for this cause I do, and I hope anyone reading this will do as well (I'm not making commission).

May Hashem help me in this merit to stay clean and focused on Him, that he provide the healing my wife desperately needs, and that He help us to reconnect - I've been feeling increasingly disconnected from my wife as time goes on - its painful and lonely.

I'm still hanging in and not running to ... to distract and medicate myself, and that's a miracle in its own right. So if Hashem can do that, he definitely can take care of some other needs of mine, and I am willing to stay hopeful even when the future is bleak.

I just saw this thread for the first time. Reb Yossi I'm absolutely blown away. You have a lot going on but you plow thru.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that gained a lot of chizuk from you.

KOMT

143*.

Good news on the relationship for a change - I sat down with my wife at a good time for her and me (its been hard to find a time when she is well enough and I'm not busy and under stress) and asked her to share her feelings about my past inappropriate searches. She shared that she just wants to have a life focused on Hashem and kedusha. She also was willing to see that I have made a lot of progress, and that I want the same as her and just have a process to go through.

That conversation gave me a lot of encouragement with hope for a better relationship.

Now I need to hope for so many other things to work out.  \

Got a lot of nachas from my oldest son - only 13 yet he is very sensitive, he doesn't want to go as a counselor to amusement parks because they are not tzniusdik.  I hope he and my other sons stay clear of my challenges and I would really do anything to save them from going through the road I went down.

My biggest challenge now is feeling the loss of drive/desire/hope for life to turn around.  I can identify with the ולא שמעו אל משה מקצר רוח ומעבודה קשה.

I used to have a tremendous Cheshek in learning, but that was just a schizophrenic style of life with my acting out.  Now I feel Hashem is burning me out in general - a lot of hard work and disappointments, a lot of עבודת נשים taking care of the wife and the whole family top to bottom while trying to make some money, kind of like life is frozen on autopilot/survival mode for 5 years+. So I don't have much patience or interest in learning any more, and my one passion I'm working on is experiencing a lot of speed bumps and not much to show for it in the bank.

BUT I'M CLEAN TODAY!!

...That ending brought some tears of gratitude

PS this post almost got deleted somehow. I'm grateful it was recovered so I could post it

Another thing I'm grateful for - instead of me trying to hide inappropriate searches on my computer in the bad ol' days, today my 11 yr old daughter stopped into my home office while I was on the forum for a few minutes. She saw the page before I could change the tab, so she asked me :why are you on a website called GUY!?"