well said!

Was great meeting! - just a shame your chavrusa came so soon

Day 78

I had an amazing experience last night.
First of all I made a Siyum on TBOTG, its a must. It changed my whole way of thinking.

One idea in the book I had a hard time with. Right in the beginning he discusses how our challenges are a gift from Hashem to bring us to greatness, fulfillment and success. It was very hard for me to internalize this concept, because for my whole life I looked at my nisyonos as something terrible and not manageable.

Well last night, I realized the truth. A while back I had a very strong Tayvah for a certain woman I had to deal with. I fantasized about her very intensely, trying to chase her down (as if then I would be really happy).
That ended and I haven't had to deal with her for about a year so it wasn't on my mind. Last night through a bunch of crazy circumstances, literally one in a million chances this same woman was supposed to come to my house. That beast the YH, started telling me this is your chance! Look at how that worked out for you!! The chances of this happening were none to nil!

First thing I did was text my dear dear friend for accountability just letting him know that this situation came up. Right away it calmed down. Then my whole mindset changed. 

Its true that this is a one a million chance, that this would happen. So obviously Hashem was giving me a very special oppurtunity.  באותו מקום באותו אישה.

Yes this was a chance for me to beat it.

Bh I did.

Finish the quote "הרי זה בעל תשובה גמורה". Stuff of legends!!!

amevakesh wrote on 19 Mar 2025 14:38:

Your right thats the main point!!!

CleanMendy, you mamash made me cry! You are amazing beyond! You are changing your inner world, and along with it so many other worlds! You are unreal! Keep up the amazing work, and keep sharing it all with us!

Day 79

I had an extremely emotional day yesterday, finding out one of the mentors is someone I know well!

Got me thinking what happened to me?? What change and clicked in me that I'm clean for so long?

From before Bar mitzvah till almost 27 years old, married with 3 children K''ah. I struggled with the worst of the worst, masturbating and porn were just a part and parcel of my everyday life. Hours upon hours on social media, thousands of dollars in meeting people, getting to know them pretty well:(
Suicidal thoughts, zero shmiras aynayim... I could go on for a while...

But then my life changed!

Ill try to put into words what i think were the main reasons for my unbelievable change.

1.The first problem was, my emotions and feelings were locked and buried deep in my heart. No one, not even me could access them. By opening up to a Eerie, who then connected me with my dear friend. My years of deep pain, trauma and disconnect with myself, my friends, and Hashem came to the forefront. By talking about what I've been through with people that didn't see me as a messed up 'case', I was able to actually focus on how to better myself. It wasn't pretty, opening up those wounds, I had many sleepless nights over where I was holding, and what I've done. I cried and cried...

2. What made it impossible to break free, was that I was trying on my own. Me myself and I, the issue was that me myself and I, had the wrong outlook on my battles, guilt, shame, and what Hashem thinks of me etc. By understanding through the mentors and of course TBOTG, brought me to understand what is wanted from me in this world. Not perfection, but one success at a time. Not shame and guilt on my past, but planning ahead for the future. Understanding my triggers. Not panicking when a situation arises. Finding other outlets to find enjoyment in my life.

3. Posting regularly on GYE, and reading other peoples posts, gaining Chizuk, friendship and practical ideas.

4. The pleasure of my taayva, makes me fell terrible after. Low and lonely. Unlike the pleasure of winning a battle.

5. Not grouping all my issues in one box. It used to be anything I didn't do right was because I was bad and evil. Now I take each issue that I grapple with (and there's many) and try to speak it out and understand it, and better the situation. One day ill get to all of them, even you in the back:)

6. Celebrating the smallest success, understanding how far I've come, even if I still mess up.

7. Whats real intimacy? Connecting and appreciating the most loved person in my life, bringing out those feelings in the bedroom. But with a primary focus on her not her body.

8. Klal Yisroel is a great nation, and I'm proud to be part of it.

9. This one sounds cheesy but its true. Hashem loves me.

I think I got most of it, I hope this can help you guys. It definitely helped me to write it out.

Amazing!!! i'm gonna take a picture of this post to keep with at all times!!! your mamish gevaldig!

Wow!!!!!!

I finally had a chance to speak to you and hope to get to know you well, youre an inspiration!!!

Day 82

Its a little comical how the YH gets us. I was walking on Shabbos and before I even saw, I realized that one of Hashems beautiful creations was standing there. I've ogled her in the past. I tried holding back, but the YH started telling me that ill never get this again. Well, that was his stupid mistake, it was a ridiculous tayna, I see her all the time. I always have a chance. BH I caught onto his game and came out unscathed.

I saw in the book of R Shloime Hoffman, a Moshol for what is real Teshuva. 

If a person is in Monsey and wants to travel to Lakewood. He asks his friend how far is the trip? His friend replies an hour and a half.

He gets on the way, after 2 hours he stops the car and asks someone if he's almost by Lakewood.

Lakewood?? Your three and half hours away, your almost by Albany. The man is shocked, my friend said its only an hour and a half and I traveled already 2 hours

The man tells him don't you see you made a wrong turn. Go back the other way and you'll be there in no time.

Well at what point is he closer to his destination? Obviously now even though he's a further drive but at least he's heading in the right direction.

This is how we do Teshuva, as long as were heading in the right direction, although it may be a very far drive away.

Now you may think this is some feel good Vort #weloveeveryyid movement.

But actually this was said over by R Yisroel Salanter himself.

Anyone on GYE trying to become better Yidden is on the path of Teshuva, even though its still a far drive.

Coming here for accountability.

I tried accessing my old email account. BH I forgot the password, I guess its been a while...

Gotta stay calm, cool and collected. And not let the end of the Zman get to me.

My wife is stressed, which means me too.



Making me a little triggered, but hopefully well get past it together, safely.



Also, because I've been doing so well BH, I got a little haughty, and wasn't as careful as I should be.



Hope to stay on guard.

one of Hashems beautiful creations? you have a great sense of humor! love it!!

Day 84

Bh doing pretty good, although I'm having more thoughts than I would like to. But the thoughts coming into my head is the YH, its up to me what i do with those thoughts.

I started TBOTG for an extra dose of chizuk, and have been reaching out to my chaveirim.

Im also starting Maseches Macos, something which I can hopefully finish over Bein Hazemanim, besides for the chiyus ill get, I wont have too much free time that way.