Shavuah tov everyone. This is my first time actually posting on here… I was told by a mentor of mine (a few months back) to post here everyday and it’ll help keep me aware of myself. Unfortunately I figured in my head “that won’t help”. Well here I am, after an unfortunate few months, while everything in my life has literally been so blessed yet at the end of (or even early beginning of) each day I’d watch P or just simply M and it just makes me feel unworthy of what Hashem has been blessing me with. I’m here now after a beautiful Shabbos, with gorgeous weather for these cold winter months, feeling like this week will be my week. Another reason I feel on a high is bc lately I’ve began re-struggling with keeping Shabbos again and this Shabbos, bh, I stayed strong. So rlly just want to stay busy tonight and stay clean and BezH get back to that place of closeness with hashem that I know I have been at and can live by for the rest of my life. I’m going to try bliN to post here everyday just like a journal of how each day is going/went to see if this will be mechazek myself in this war with the Yetzer hara. BliN will be back here tomorrow with good news of my 2nd day clean!

eerie wrote on 28 Feb 2025 18:38:

Its really important to remember that its our struggle, even if the woman seem to be making it only harder.

How I look at the way woman dress. Its also the nisyonos hador. The same misunderstanding and skewed look on life that we have.
Not understanding themselves and their sexuality is causing them to feel the need to show themselves off.
Just like we think that a woman is what were shown on billboards and worse... they're also poisoned with this garbage.
Its so sad how the social pressure to be the perfect size and 'model-look' affects them.

Just like we weren't taught as bachurim the reason to watch our eyes, and that porn exists and its bad, and why.
Were they taught why they have to dress appropriately?

I'm not blaming our chinuch system. 

But this is the sad reality.

Dear Cleanmendy,

I'm truly amazed at your success these past two months. I know every secret of yours and all that you have been through, and boy is it a lot! From acting out with friends to constant masturbation to porn to in person...
I know it all, yet my opinion doesn't change, why, you ask?
Because look at you, you didn't give up? All those years you tried don't count cuz you didn't have the proper tools to get better. Now you do. And your 64 days clean that's 64 times better than you were ever able to even imagine!!

So let me ask you, why do you focus on the few things that still need fixing and clarification in your brain? Why is it that you cant just appreciate your amazing work? Is it just perfectionism or a skewed outlook on how Hashem looks at you, his dear child?

So you took a second look today, and most days, maybe even many times a day. But do you remember that 65 days ago you didn't even realize that you were objectifying every woman on the street. Now you realize that its wrong and many times stop in middle or don't do it at all! That's not just a nice change that's life changing!

You used to be sitting for hours every day watching the worst, now, you have three chavrusas that you enjoy learning with.

So why Mendy, do you focus on the bad?
So, tefillah is a struggle? Youll get there, one battle at a time! 

Just realize how great you are even with your imperfect actions and thoughts, your not supposed to be perfect your supposed to try to be the best you can!

Komt  Love, me

wow wow wow!!!! i second that! @cleanmendy can you please get me intouch with the letter writer??? he speaks such clear truth!!

I saw an amazing piece in michtav meeliyahu, I hope I'm quoting it correctly.

He writes, If someone works then מוטב, If your working to finish then its אפיקורסות. Our job in this world it to do our best and not worry about the end goal, there is no end goal just the current. Realizing this that every good act we do is a major milestone in itself ,not dependent on the end of the story, we will have a life of simcha. He writes that being שמח בחלקו, also applies by רוחניות.

Rav Dessler goes on to explain something amazing. Why do we have מחשבות זרות, during Davening? He says that its because of the very high מדרגה that davening could bring us too, when we feel that were not on that level, we get depressed which brings us to have מחשבות זרות. The lack of Simcha in our Yiddishkeit causes these thoughts.

I think this is literally my struggle. If I'm not perfect then I feel like a failure, which brings me to be depressed about my personal growth and then causes all kinds of ideas in my head to act out.

Rav Dessler teaches that if I would remember that every 'small' mitzvah I do is major! Hashem is proud of me! I wouldn't be depressed or feel guilty of my wrongdoings. I can walk with my head held high that I try my best. 

ע"ש חלק ה דף רס"ד

The past two days one of my kids got sick, really bad, which meant out of daycare, stress, shalom bayis not that great.
But that was with the old me, old me when a hard day came up. There was was only one way to deal with a hard day, act out.

The cycle went like this.
1. Stress arises
2. Panic
3. Act out
4. Wife worn out
5. Feeling down
6. Cant emotionally be there for her
7. Go to sleep in a bad mood

Yesterday, with the new Me it went something like this,

1. Stress arises
2. Face the stress head on
3. Be there for my family
4. Feeling great about myself
5. Wife tells me, "A day like today never ended like this before."
6. Feeling even better about myself

I realized that stress is a time to connect on the deepest levels with the ones I love, but that's only possible if I'm at peace with myself. If not then I run away from my problems, and we all suffer.

Wow beautiful, unfortunately the last time I had stress and I thought I can handle it, it didn’t turn out so well.
keep inspiring

R Mendy your a moiridikeh inspiration for us .  I hope you realize that!!!

Beautiful! Amazing! And inspirational!!

Hey whose the one that lets the YH know when your feeling good about yourself so he could try to get you down??

Seriously stop bothering me, I'm done with all of that stuff, this is cleanmendy. Full stop.

Ill explain that post.

Its day 70 for me, I've been doing amazing bh.
Then came the warm weather, whether its the way woman are dressed or the general atmosphere. More people out on the street. The point is my eyes are very busy. My brain is telling me its all because that's who i am, but the other side of my brain (the smarter side) is telling me, to relax, you'll learn how to control your eyes. This doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. This makes you someone who's working on his Kedusha.

    Remember the first glance is natural. Lingering or looking back is the problem. Don't take this as an excuse to look, but to make sure you don't think of yourself think your as failure bc you looked once and "might as well" look again.

    We are men and we atracted to women. What we have tp do is acknowledge is that they are other human beings that no matter what they look like or who they are, they still should be respected as a human being, not an object.

    This goes in hand with respecting our wives/future wives by being faithful to them and not objectifying them. If we truly care about them in an emotional way they we can't treat them as an object without feelings. And I don't only mean to not objectifying them but also not to objectify others out of respect for them.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Day 75

As someone that has struggled for so long. I've felt many times an aversion to Yiddishkeit, Had plans of dropping it all.

But then there's those moments that are , Wow! I'm proud to be a Yid.

This Purim was one of those moments.

The streets were filled with Bachurim dancing, singing, drinking. Traffic galore, Fireworks, cigarettes.

Then came Shabbos Kodesh.

Peace. Quiet. 

The turnover was truly amazing, an entire city of shikurim, but Shabbos came and the streets were empty and the shuls were full. I'm proud to be part of this holy Am!!

Day 77

First of all whoever didn't read TBOTG, its a must.

I'm towards the end, and one idea has recently changed my way of thinking.

Cleanmendy doesn't do that.

Whether its staring at someone, fantasizing, or skipping a minyan or two or three. When its a whole sugya in your head, then theres room for discussion, maybe yes or maybe no.

The real truth is its not a discussion. There's someone I knew by the name of Mendy who used to do that, but Cleanmendy?
No, No, No, He don't do that stuff.

I hope you will start again when you reach the end of the book. Maintaining that Seder keeps building your resistance.