I would like to expound on this life changing idea for me, of taking on something small.

Many times (or all the time) what's bringing me down is, the feeling of worthlessness, failure, not achieving. I can look at my life at say, I am not good enough, I can do better, or, I was doing better last week. Now, I know these feelings are emotionally charged, and of course I have a lot to be proud of. But still, these feelings persist. When I have these feelings, my emotionally charged brain tells me, well Mr. failure, its all over now this is just who you are. You may as well give in, there's no way you'll stay clean anyway.

I must learn how to keep these thoughts in check, one way of doing this is calling friends, and hearing how they think of me, which is a major chizuk. 

On top of this I needed to do something positive. Prove to cleanmendy what he's really all about. Taking something on Kedusha related I didn't feel would do me good because that's where I was failing currently, and I needed something that I could keep.

So, I took upon myself to say Krias Shma Al Hamitah from a card every night for the next month. Something small and doable. The feeling that I got right away was, I can control myself. I spent a lot of time over Shabbos focusing on that, that yes I can keep to my Kabalos, When my Yetzer Hora told me that this is just an easy one, I wasnt mekabel the Lashon Hara:)

Lo and behold, this very quickly changed my mindset to a positive one. If I focus on the good in my life, no matter how small, I can bring that good from small to major!

Thank you vehkam and everyone else who helped me through this!

Have a great day!!
KOMT

Kaboom!!! I love it! Thnk you for sharing!

I second the motion!

What a beautiful way to show yourself the endless value you have!!!!!!

Shaky waters, but I'm trying to ride the waves...

Reach out to a friend.... (btw, I'd love to hear from you)

Maybe meet a friend

170 days clean

What I dealt with in the past two weeks was things not going smoothly in Yeshiva, learning wise. For many Zmanim this has happened, and since i started working on myself I've been doing pretty good. So when my learning and davening wasn't going well, (like really not well) I started telling myself that this is the same old you who is dealing with this problem for years, not enjoying Learning and Davening, and not feeling fulfillment in life.
Worse than that I start looking towards the future, if this is me, then why is life worth living, and if I'm not getting anywhere in life I may as well at least enjoy every woman on the street and internet. In English they call it 'giving up'.
The thoughts of what will I look like in 5, 10, or 20 years wont leave my head. I feel inadequate, I'm not what I could be. Ill just continue this failure till 120...
Now worse than these thoughts is how I react to them. Instead of facing them head on, I crawl up into my shell and shut down. Not letting anyone else in to share in my misery. This is what I do time and time again. Its a living hell. Painful.

But I guess I did change cuz I did open up to a dear friend today, and got clarity on a lot of what I'm going through.

I hope to have only good news to share.

So basically what I'm trying to say is, don't be insulted if I ghosted you... its not personal:)

cleanmendy wrote on 19 Jun 2025 15:42:

Dear holy Mendy, this is already good news! what do u think good news is meant to be? 1 million days clean without growing pains? It's good news that u are posting about it, it's good news that u opened up to a friend, and it's good news that your still in the fight.... 170, that means that during these hard 2 weeks u still stood strong!, it's crucially important to realize that true internal change is a continues battle, there is no magic light switch, it's the battle of life, here's a warm hug, and know holy brother that you have all of us standing here cheering you on! we hope and daven that you get back to yourself fully, and please don't stay in that shell of yours please share your light with all of us the beautiful light of life,

I feel like i have to state the obvious, now this is not for you mendy, rather for all of us, RABBOISAY: please don't get discouraged from our mendy, i know it's very hard for us when we see one of our fellow trailblazers, one of our hero's, one of the few people on here that all of us look up to and respect like crazy, one of the people who have shteiged so so much, one of the people that are so so helig inside and out, and to see that even him even cleanmendy is being so hard on himself? what are we supposed do think about ourselves now? are we hopeless lost causes forever? here's part of the answer rabboisay this is all part of @cleanmendys unique gadlus that we all came to respect, this is what makes him stand out from the crowd, it's because he is so so so good of a guy that he is mimeila feeling this way now, cuz he expects the best best of himself............, but for us omcha yidden we don't have to worry so much, when we reach his darga we'll revisit ourselves again, hatzlocha to us all, and let's keep on learning from the hero and tzaddik mendy.

Is there a big enough thank you that I could say to the family I have on GYE??

All I could say is you guys are the best, thank you for being here for me, always.

הודו לה' כי טוב כי לועלם חסדו

Against all odds, I had a clean, productive, and fulfilling Shabbos. It was hot, and I was by a Simcha.

I spoke to Hashem before going out and told him how much I just wanna not look, how hard it is for me. I told him how I really need his help to win. Well, Baruch Hashem I had many wins over Shabbos!! 

The pleasure of success is immense.

Gotta keep trucking.

cleanmendy wrote on 22 Jun 2025 14:22:

Beg to differ. When you try your hardest, the way you're doing, He kicks in with an extra dose of Siyatta Dishmaya. You are a role model for me.

Its really a feat,
To stay on your feet.
Not look or peek.
Every day every week.
This way or that,
The temptations are fast.
From big or small,
We try not to fall.
Then comes the summer,
Its really a bummer.
For our holy neshamas,
Oy tatte help us!

But instead of this thinkin'
That its hard to stop lookin'
Lets start believing
That each time we are winning
Its not just to 'get us'
But instead, to build us
An opportunity were given
To really start livin'
That feeling we have
When we win over bad
Is greater than this malady
These thoughts and fantasies
So my friends keep it up
A reine moach un kop
Will bring you delight
May Hashem show us the light!

Beautiful!! Ttto??

lamaazavtuni wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:55:

Sorry no tune this time, some may call it a rap:)

cleanmendy wrote on 26 Jun 2025 11:29:

Did someone call the Holy Ish? Is he really bein' challenged?!?