cleanmendy wrote on 17 Jan 2025 15:06:

Since when is having a taiva a issue my dear friend? i think if you wouldn't have a taiva that would be a issue! it's part of our d.n.a., but i guess i would say there's the issue losing oneself aka fantasizing and or looking where we shouldn't......... than there is the more chomur issue of doing an actual act....... whatever that is, but hey don't take my word for it i'm just a fellow struggler in the mir, ask your guys that you speak to! kol tuv!

Bh shabbos went by smoothly, today theres a bit of stress in my life, I'm realizing that for the past 15 years that meant acting out.
Today Bh I'm working on staying focused. Just because not everything is perfect, ill deal with it head on instead of running off to my fantasy land, where ill just feel so much worse after.
Also it def helps to just vent to you guys, thanks for listening:grinning:
Btw I could only do it with the Chizuk of everyone here on gye.

cleanmendy wrote on 19 Jan 2025 14:33:

Like most of us...

I love your song!
Is there a playback of the tune, perhaps I can arrange a recording with the words.

I dont know I wish I could record it.

Hi everyone day 20 today, Without giving too much details, for years a certain fantasy was in my head and I've acted on it many times, actually nothing too terrible, but a useless fantasy nonetheless. 
Well today I had an easy oppurtunity to act on that fantasy, So far I stayed strong, reminding myself that its just a fantasy, wont really give me real pleasure anyway. Ill feel stupid after, and of course cuz if I win this battle I'm one step closer to my dream of living free, and one added connection with HKB"H and my wife.
I know for a fact that just a few weeks ago, I would've done everything I can to make it happen, now I know just ODAAT, and ill beat this stupid filth in my head.
So am I getting places? Yeah!
Thanks for listening to me vent and giving myself a self confidence boost:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

I'm sorry I cant divulge too many details of this story, I don't wanna trigger anyone unnecessarily.
For years I had a certain fantasy that I've tried to act on many times and successfully did unfortunately.
Well yesterday in the morning The opportunity came up for me to get that fantasy later in the day when I had to run an errand and the YH went all out on me, This is your chance, you've always wanted this, who cares that your three weeks clean, you'll break anyways soon enough you may as well do it now etc. 
The whole day this was on my mind back and forth, back and forth, I had this inner turmoil, While I was trying to get the thoughts out of my mind it kept coming back, do it, don't do it, do it, don't do it...
I tried posting about it yesterday on this thread but it didn't help get out of my system, On my way to second seder, my mentor texted me that he saw my post and asked if all was ok. I got the courage to talk to him. This specific nisayon was so hard for me to say over, I was so filled with shame and embarrassment, even though he knows my deepest secrets already. 
Well he softly prodded and I told him about my struggles, and we talked and he told me its a normal struggle, and gave me this idea that when I go to that place I should call him and well talk on the phone the whole time so I wont fall.
Right away I felt so relaxed, someone understood me and didn't judge me based in my struggle, and lo and behold the urge drastically went away!
I went to learn second seder, after on my way there it wasn't even on my mind at all, so that was my fantasy, but now I'm gonna hold back. And I did!!
Not only that I had to go back a second time and I held back again which was even harder!!

So I experienced the incredible yet simple solution to calm down my urge, call a friend. Talk it out.

Hope this gives you guys the Chizuk to build that connection with one of the holy mentors on here. Hatzlacha on your journey.

Reb CM, if I may add two points to your beautiful post
1- You texted me, not the other way around
You are a person who is determined to grow past these behaviors, and your dedication and motivation are inspiring! You are a very special guy who overcame the shame and embarrassment, and reached out to a friend. So take credit where credit is due

2- Just to highlight, the way the YH sometimes catches us is through the panic, the thought that enters our minds 'maybe I should go do _____________", and then we start panicking, what if I'll do it, and what's wrong with me, and why do even want this, and all those negative thoughts give the original thought power. The panic of "oh, my, maybe I'll fall", that panic can cause us to fall. It is always very important stay calm. Take a deep breath. Step back. When we are calm, the thought has no power over us, we realize the dimyoin the YH has  created, and we can move on.
Sometimes, it can be hard for a person to get out of the panicked thoughts by themselves.  It can be very beneficial to talk to a friend, who can help us calm down, who can help us remove the negative emotions, and then we find we really have the power to overcome the test that lies before us
Sometimes there's a guy who thinks that opening up, sharing what he's challenged by is so shameful, so embarrassing, and that holds him back from seeking help. Friends, I have also thought that so many times, but each time I shared, I learned that the friends here respect me and accept me no matter what I shared, and that is the greatest help to me accepting myself.

Years ago,
Fell so low.
Didn't know,
Kept on a show.

The shame,
The game,
Living lame,
Staying sane,

I cry,
Lost time.
I cry,
Now, Im mine.

Im here,
Not there.
At home,
Not alone.

Discovering,
Recovering,
Connecting,
Not Judging.

With friends,
I Talk.
With friends,
I walk.

No shame,
Now fame.
Still sane
Regained.

With hope,
To cope.
Slippery slopes,
I hold the rope.

Years ago,
Fell so low.
Now I know
No more show.

Bh day 22.
Its amazing how for so many years I made my Kedusha issues, not just a part of me, but let it define me. I was the bachur that watched porn, that's my identity. It only got worse when I got married and fell further into the abyss, I was the Lying cheating Yungerman, that was me.
The shame and guilt that I carried around for so many years is still so heavy. I now know that its just a struggle I had, and I'm a good person otherwise, but still the mindset is there. 
Especially since even if I internalize and believe that its just a problem I had, not Me. The world unfortunately doesn't look at it like that. They define us by our struggles. 
Hopefully one day ill be able to say proudly I am a good person who does great things, and has also struggled greatly!

Achakelo bchol yom sheyavo

cleanmendy wrote on 22 Jan 2025 16:40:

you already are a good person! your are working on yourself and growing by leaps and bounds! you can already say today i am a good person who does great things!

cleanmendy wrote on 22 Jan 2025 16:40:

אם לא עכשיו אימתי!!!!!!

Thank you for the chizuk, i really appreciate it.
The thing is, so many years of negative thinking about myself doesnt leave so quickly, just like the memories and images in my head of what ive done dont leave.
I wish they would, but theres no magic switch.
Im not just being negative, I'm describing the thoughts in my head.

So I had a really revealing moment, I was walking to shul on Shabbos and a little piece of skin by my nail was peeling. Top ten most annoying things in life! I tried not touching it buts its so tough, so I decided to completely take my mind off it by relaxing and humming a tune, Thank you vekham for the idea of music to calm urges! And it worked amazingly.
Anyway I turned the corner and I heard, saw, and smelled one of the biggest urges I've had since I started on gye, my mind went wild, fantasizing like crazy. 
I stopped myself, And thought I just changed my mind from peeling my skin, why is this different?
I again went back to singing to take my mind off of it. Guess what? It worked!! The thought did come back during davening and laining and even on the way home but not nearly as strong. But Bh I think ill consider this a huge win!!

Shabbos is really hard for me walking on the streets, now I feel like a million dollars!

The power of distraction and relaxing is huge!

And reading other peoples journeys on here and getting ideas of how to better myself.

Bezh reaching 30 days this week!!!

And for all you out there that read this and say this guys crazy, peeling skin is easy, sexual fantasies are impossible! The truth that I've learnt in the past few weeks is that your wrong. If we take our sexual fantasies and look at them as normal urges that every male on this planet has, then its not so crazy what's in our head. So, I have it with every lady that passes me on the street, doesn't change anything about me. I'm a normal male. No, its not easy, years of acting in in the most lowest of ways make you immune to it. But if I want to live the life that I want, I must change. Sometimes I feel the urge to peel skin and sometimes its to go meet someone, or chat or just stare, doesn't matter, all normal urges that I have to learn to control.

Hatzlacha on beating the beast!!

cleanmendy wrote on 26 Jan 2025 15:43:

Buddy, what is even the safek? Of course that's a win! A huge one!