I didn’t manage to hold on this timeSeveral thoughts are coming to my mind.

The first is my lack of honesty. When taavah takes over, I can’t seem to snap back to awareness and look at myself honestly and say, “Look at what you’re doing — you’re all alone, in front of things that are, objectively, disgusting — and you’re secretly giving yourself pleasure, like a child hiding to eat a piece of chocolate they took without permission.” And that’s what excites you and what you want... If I could be honest with myself in that moment, I think I would be able to stop on my own, without a problem.

There’s also a lack of confidence, or maybe a will to remain isolated and self-centered, not wanting to ask others for help (even when I pray, I struggle to ask Hashem for help on this issue). It’s like, “this is my problem, and I’ll deal with it alone,” even though I know perfectly well that the times I’ve managed to hold a long streak were when I opened up as much as possible to others.

Another thing I realize is how the cycle works — and I’ve seen it not just in myself, but many times: a long streak, then a fall that creates a turbulence zone, where several more falls happen more or less frequently. Sometimes, it’s hard to get back on track, and it breaks your morale.

Also, realizing that actually, every single day I don’t masturbate is a victory. Not just the days when I fall being failures — that shift in perspective could help maintain a certain level of optimism.