Hi all, 

I am so upset at my wife for not wanting to have sex with me for years (although) we had sex a few times. Until now her excuse was partly "well anyhow you look at inappropriate stuff so why should i have sex with you." 
Now that she knows I am working on myself nothing has changed and she has plenty of excuses why she doesn't want to have sex. 
What do i do? I am so so mad.....

At whom are you mad??

my wife

hellogreen wrote on 13 Nov 2024 03:55:

i hear were shes coming from...........
and i hear were your heading..........

love you,
cande'

Perhaps she is not feeling secure in the relationship given that you have looked elsewhere for your personal pleasure.  What have you done to rebuild that secure bond?

Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here, as you have started seeing, you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program, the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframing the struggle.
(Captain, link again? )

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com. Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com, and iwannalivereal - iwannalivereal@gmail.com are a great place to start!

Looking forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

hellogreen wrote on 13 Nov 2024 03:55:

Hey welcome!

Change doesn't happen overnight usually. But it usually happens. A call with HHM may be very helpful to talk out your situation and get some advice on how to repair things with the Mrs.

A couple threads you may find interesting are available here.

Thank you all

Hi welcome to the greatest community, where help and warmth is top priority, and getting healed is a reality.

I've been thinking about your story since you first posted, or honestly since you dropped your bombshell at me when we chatted privately, your situation really bothered me, and I'm really desperate to see good things coming from you, but you should know that you're not alone, and hope really is on the horizon.

first off I would suggest, that you should read "Shalom Bais's" thread here,  read from the begining till at least page 14, I think you'll really find yourself, in every sentece that he writes.

Then once you're comfortable, please do yourself the greatest favor and call someone, like HHM, or MUTTEL, EERIE, IWLR, PY, and the list goes on. most of the above mentioned's contact info, are listed above in PY'S post.

Keep on trucking, and keep us posted.
With love Akiva

hellogreen wrote on 13 Nov 2024 03:55:




Hi tzadik. 
Welcome to GYE. 

Please spend some time reading around the forums. You will meet many people who have a story not too different than yours. 
But don't fear. 
Help is here. 
Any wonderful people will be able to warm your heart and help you, just as they helped me. 

Please post more of your story, where you got into it, and how you are trying to clean yourself up. 
We would all love to get to know you better. 

With much love
Odyossefchai 

Thank you all,
it is very confusing to me bec I always thought it was my fault that my wife didn’t want to be together with me. Since we had the kids 10 years ago she lost interest. (She said that she had pain during sex but at the same time never really tried to fix it)
I went to my tov to complain about it many years ago. He seemed to understand me but when he spoke to my wife he seemed to change his mind and said that I need to be more patient with her. It has been at least 5 years since then and I have tried a million things but there always seems to be something that I did wrong and that is why we haven’t been together. 
Now that I am close to 60 days clean and she knows that it’s hard…
This is obviously not something that I can explain properly in a few sentences but this is a start
thanks for listening 

Hello and Welcome.

I am very happy for you that you are clean for almost 2 months already. 

Just to reiterate what has already been said. We are here to support you in this journey.

A woman that feels she has been cheated on will take time to come around to feel comfortable and secure. Keep on cleaning up your act and looking at her with love for her sake, and she will feel it and come around. כמים פנים אל פהים is real.

Keep Flying!

My friend, how are you doing?

Thank you for asking. Things are not great. We are at a therapist and all i want is for my wife to treat me as an equal so we can work thru our issues but she doesn't consider me an equal now so it is very difficult and painful 

OOy, my heart goes out for you my friend. Please feel free to reach out. I can only speak for myself, in my situation, (and it took me a while to get to thinking this) but I found helpful for my shalom bayis (which is still in progress but much better) to focus on 2 ideas. 1) I don't need sex. 2) my job is to work on myself and be the best person I can be, I can try to help my wife but I can't make her change, her emotional issues are not my problem (I know it sounds a but strong but I think\hope it's true)
stay strong! You got this! One day at a time! You're amazing for working on this! You're a good person!
hatzlachah rabbah! Again please feel free to reach out through email text or call whenever you're ready.