K here it goes:
I keep on seeing on this website that urges are like waves that come and go and by either riding them out, delaying, distracting yourself etc these urges will (eventually) pass.

By me I have noticed things a little different for the most part. 
Usually, after acting out etc I’ll feel disgusted, annoyed, depressed etc. For the next few days I nothing will trigger or even interest me at all. Then it will slowly start to pick up and I will push it off for a bit until I eventually give in.  For the most part it’s approximately a week or a bit more (at different points in my life it is more or less).
When these urges start to come I can usually push it off by (subconsciously?) telling myself that it’s fine I’ll give in tomorrow etc. Especially if the timing is not right, either because I’m busy, trying to be holy, need more privacy etc. it’s almost like my body knows I need it once a week and therefore I will have to give in at a certain point and I’m just pushing off and delaying the urge until the point of giving in. (I also (subconsciously?) tell myself that no more than once a week - that’s just too much and addictive etc and don’t do that).

Point is, that I don’t feel like the urge tactics help because the urge doesn’t actually go away. It just pauses and than resurfaces until I “need” to give in.

I amaware that obviously every delay and every time you push away is good etc but point is the urge feels more like one long continuous urge until I give in and not urges that come and go.

Here is an example: About two weeks ago I checked out the website and saw a lot of the f2f videos and even made a plan etc and started counting how many days I cud go. After a couple days it started getting harder and I kind of knew that sooner or later a trigger will come and I’ll “have” to give in, hoping that I’ll be able to outride it. About ten days later, last Sunday, I went out of town for the day (without my wife). I knew it was going to be hard. I held myself in the whole way until the way back home a two hr bus when I was near a “attractive” person. I knew I should probably move away but I didn’t. The urge grew bigger and bigger and I let it grow, gazing etc until eventually I decided to ignore all urge tactics and give in (especially that I felt like I already failed by gazing and not moving away etc). So I stayed put and then eventually took out my phone got past a certain unfiltered part of my phone and the rest is history. (I have since bh filtered that part of my phone too). 

The next day I started to count again and I’m hoping to do a full 90 days but at least until after Rosh Hashanah. 

I am wondering if anyone here has experience with these “continuous urges” and can share them or can point out some resources.

thank you everyone!

Reb Yid, you are in the right place. 

I can't tell you that the urges will disappear. You are a human, male (hopefully) and a human. Did I mention you are human? 
HKBH gave you the urges. Don't be shamed. 


Have you reached out to the people here who can help you? 
Many of the tzadikim here can help you alot if you reach out to them. They can guide you and show you how to win this battle. 
Hatzlacha 

Great question. I'm very familiar with times when the desire to act out comes relentlessly like the tide, beating down defenses over and over. Wish I knew an answer. I'll share some of my experience from being in the same boat, but don't have any real answers for you.

I think the idea of urges only lasting a relatively short time is referring to the sharp urgent urge. As far as I know, it's not a solution. It's a reminder that when you have that urgent feeling, this too will pass. It's a helpful technique to hold back for a bit. 

The general feeling that I "need" to act out, or that "I can't hold it in longer" is a different feeling. This is one of the fundamental problems. The solution to that is not outlasting the urge. The solution is making changes to your life so you don't have to make the same responses. (Engraining into your mind that you really do not have to give in is also important.)

Hope this helps. This is really a fantastic question to ask Dov though.

11sh wrote on 24 Sep 2024 20:00:

That's not a natural urge. Its a trigger-caused urge.
Urges are physical. Triggers are emotional.
Natural urges come and go. If not aggravated it passes after 15min. If it reappears and feels like one long urge, that's most likely because you're feeding it too much. From my experience, the longer you go without acting out the easier it gets, as it says, משביעו רעב מרעיבו שבע, the more you starve it the less hungry your body gets and the less natural urges you get. And btw after 90 days it gets way way easier... but you never get totally rid of the urges, even if you're a million days clean. 
Triggers are emotional. Caused by something that's usually in your power to avoid. And once you give in, it won't just disappear unless you distract your brain from what you saw or felt. But as long as you let the triggers get you, the urges will haunt you and become stronger.

Thats the way I understand it. Hope this makes sense..

Keep up your great work!!

The way I see it, addiction—especially porn—is like having an abusive partner in your mind. Your brain convinces you, manipulates you, and tells you you need what it wants. And the more you resist and then fail, the more powerful it becomes.

When it comes to most things in life, the more you practice, the stronger you get. 
➜ If you work out, your muscles grow.
➜ If you play the piano, your skills improve.

But with addiction, every time you resist and then give in, your brain learns that you’re not strong enough to fight back. The next time, it doesn’t start gently. It screams louder. It pushes harder.

Think of it this way: If you have a deaf relative, the first time you speak to them, you use a normal voice. They don’t hear you, so you speak louder and louder until you’re shouting. The next time, you don’t start at normal volume. You start at high volume. That’s what happens with your brain and addiction. The urge might be a whisper the first time, but after a while, it’s an all-out scream.

The brain learns to amplify the craving because it knows that’s the only way to get what it wants. It’s smart. It’s relentless. And it’s designed to get its needs met.

Should we give in?
Obviously not. But white-knuckling it through these urges isn’t the solution either. So what does work?

➜ This one might be controversial, but hear me out. Instead of trying to fight the urge 24/7, schedule it. Give yourself a specific time and place where you *allow* yourself to give in. That way, you’re not fighting a losing battle all day long. And often, when you get to that scheduled time, you’ll find you don’t even need it as much as you thought. You’re back in control - rather than the addiction controlling you, you now control the addiction. Slowly, you'll wean yourself off.

➜ For a lot of us, addiction isn’t about the act itself. It’s about regulating our emotions. Porn, for example, might be a way to escape sadness, stress, or boredom. But it only numbs those feelings temporarily. If this is why you’re turning to it, you need to find a healthier way to cope. Try journaling, meditation, or therapy. Something that helps you process, not just escape.

➜ The people at the most risk of addiction are those with a sense of meaninglessness—a lack of purpose. When you have a purpose and work towards something that feels bigger than you, the urges start to lose power. You stop feeling the need to fill the void with something that leaves you empty.

Sometimes, the best way forward is to stop focusing on the addiction and start focusing on your life. Because when you find meaning and purpose, the urge begins to become just that—an urge. Not a need.

And that’s when you take back control.

I am familiar with feeling the need to give in to an urge about once a week. I have been doing that for decades. After masturbating the desire goes down for a while because of masturbation but then it builds up until we feel a "need" to masturbate again. This cycle can repeat itself endlessly.

Once you learn the ropes you will see that this feeling of a "need" to masturbate is coming from situations, feelings and emotions that you had immediately preceding the feeling for this "need". We call these situations, feelings and emotions our cues. Once you identify your cues you can choose tools in the toolbox that you believe that they will work for this "need" or rather urge. The next time you have an urge use one of the tools you chose. You shouldn't have to use any of these tools for more than a maximum of 15-20 minutes each time you have an urge. You may have multiple urges a week but each time you don't have to use these tools for longer than 15-20 minutes. Once you use these tools effectively you will learn that these tools work and there is no such thing that the body "needs" to act out or else something is going to happen. You will learn that you can do just fine without acting out.