It's not all or nothing. Deliberately and accidentally these things will happen. Buckle up, buckle down, and buck those nonsensical YH voices out of your head. Every single moment matters.

Curiosity is a curious thing. It kills cats (or so I've always been told), and they have about 5x faster reaction speed compared to us humans. Handle with caution. Sometimes it's good to know things. Many times it really, really doesn't matter. Are you seeking valuable information, or is it pulling you in? Good to think about and over time become ok with all the things we didn't need to know. Tough work, but worth the focus and extra brain space that you earn for it.

KOMT!

Day 38 clean.
I almost failed yesterday and I'm so mad at myself that I almost failed yesterday freaking erev YK how did I almost let that happen. And in also so scared that if I didn't have the erev YK reason I probably would have failed and I'm scared I might fall soon chas veshalom and I really really don't want to my life is great rn I don't want to go back to that dark place 

rocky21 wrote on 11 Oct 2024 10:23:

I disagree. You had the erev YK that you need. 
A Person should always be dealing with his problems in his own way and not the way a book or even a Sefer would describe the way his problems are. 
I look for mehalchim in davening that talk to me. When you are saying Al Cheit, say it in your own way think of your own mehalech, look for ideas that talk to you in YOUR situation. No need to live up to the expectations of other people who probably aren't going through what you are going through. And reach out to one of your friends here who can shmooze to you and guide you. 
Hashem loves those people that are crawling towards Him THROUGH THE MUD. 

Day 39 clean bh
More that YK Is over I feel like I have a huge gate stopping me from falling taken away, I'm scared cause now I am "alone" again juts with my reasons and not reasons like being judged for my life. I think I will make a shvua even tho I'm scared about making one cause it's a lot of pressure and I didn't stand in the face of it last time 
I would love to hear from you guys for some options 

Ok so since writing this I have done what I did in the past and searched things but didn't click on them and I absolutely hated it when I do it I feel almost as bad as when I do watch and I think that's not fair but I'm so pissed at myself for searching that.
I'm going to wright a shvua to help me because I see how vanrabole I am.
Unfortunately I am very vanrabole,I tried to get one in before I wright a shvua I told myself but bh somehow I was saved and going to write now but still feel like a absolute freaking peace of sh@# looser for searching stuff up and not pressing on it, like why the hell would I play with risking everything I built, is it counted as falling??

No it’s great that you did not click on it !! Hey right back up and continue fighting

Thats what I'm saying like is it "get right back up" did I even get off? Like of course I should not do that again but is it considered a fall?

Some may call it a slip, but don't get caught up in the language. As long as you keep going, you're doing great!!

40 days clean bh!!!
So after doing some thinking I realized that I have done the same thing I did last night twice before on this journey and didn't really get mad at myself like I did last night on the contrary I was happy I didn't click it.
So what I leaned is that now that bh I'm cleaner and there for feel higher levels of holiness that searching affected me more cause I should be above that now and it affected me more cause I'm farther away from thkse things bh
And I'm also more mad because I was so close to giving in and loosing a amazing streak and journey that I built that I didn't have in the beginning.
In conclusion I should never go incognito that's playing with fire and like going to a shooting range and telling people look at me I doged buulets where I can dodge them by not even going to the shooting range 
So bh no incognito and no more being one click away whenever I instenctevly want to press chrome and then incangto I'll press clock and then 5 minute timer of deep breathing bh

rocky21 wrote on 13 Oct 2024 04:22:

WOW!!!!! 40 days!!!!! That's a hell a lot of days. I believe that seforim say that 40 days is a special number when it comes to breaking taavos.
Regarding the fact that you walk into a shooting range causing you to have to dodge out the bullets, first of all I love the mashal. Second of all, after all that was done facts are that you walked out clean and this is something you should give yourself a pat on the back for and celebrate. Moving forward you made a wonderful kabala on yourself that before opening an incognito you will wait 5 minutes, amazing idea.
Please don't let those searches be on your mind because all they will do is pull down your mood and lead to not good stuff.
Hatzlacha Raba and Keep Trucking!

Day 41 clean bh

Next goal 42 but looking forward to the 50

I just today saw a video of a girl that I got suggest to but said no because of my current state with p&m and I'm extremely disappointed that I had to say no unfortunately for now 

But everytime I urge comes I'll remember that this freaking urge took away a golden opportunity from me and it's 1-5 hours of pleasure or a long life of happiness and achieving goals. 

I've been free once I can and will do it again but this time the foundation will be much firmer thanks to GYEs amazing people 

Just a random question?
Do we deep down not want to watch P or deep down we do but we know it's wrong?

At some point we realize that porn doesn't help. 
Some have said on here that this don't specifically a religious argument. A goy shouldn't be watching porn. It poisons the mind making us think that just because a paid actress smiles and oohs and ahhs at various positions and angles, means our wife will enjoy it like the woman on the screen. 
We've all been told that watching Hollywood love stories are poisonous. Rabbanim have been yelling at us for years. Believing this garbage is like jumping off a building coz we watched Batman. We know it's dumb and real life is never like that. 

HHM asked me a while ago, don't you want to have sex like the chofetz Chaim? And it really made me think that that is what I want. Not the trash on the screen portrayed by a screenwriter and a paid actress. 

rocky21 wrote on 14 Oct 2024 12:02:

To answer you first question: No, it's not just a random question. It's a great question.


I'll offer two responses, and I won't be able to either one justice - so hopefully one of the Talmidei Chachamim here will have an opportunity to elaborate.

1) The short version of the easier (and perhaps in a practical sense, less helpful) answer. Yes, our essence is a pure cheilek Elokai Mima'al. Hashem Emes v'Toraso Emes, and everything else is the klippa of ourselves and this world. That's our deepest, core being. Here comes the 'but'. But, we have a guf and a tachlis.

In between, I'm going to use my least favorite mashal of the cheeseburger (for the sake of this example, assume they are delicious and you'd love to eat one). The neshama says 'no' to a cheeseburger because Hashem said they are not kosher. The body, physically, can enjoy a cheeseburger very much, health issues notwithstanding. Deep down in my conscious I could really want a cheeseburger and among the reasons I don't eat one is because I'm choosing my neshama over my guf. Hashem created a natural tayva for all food, kosher and not. I enjoy things that taste good, but do I need to taste all things or particular things. If I (forgive the pun . . . or don't) feed this tayva, it will grow and desire more and eventually pull you from kosher indulgence to non-kosher because it is a consumer, always wanting more and never satisfied. You can enjoy food, like Hashem wants you too, but in a respectful and thankful way, not gluttony.

2) So, deep down, do I actually want to watch p? No. I don't want p. Spiritually it is poison. Practically it is poison. As someone has said here "it is a bad answer to a good question." We want to feel good. We have natural and healthy tayvos for sex. Hashem created it for us to enjoy - in the proper way. We live in a time that challenges us very much regarding sex. It bleeds into our life and makes a blurry mess out of all the boundaries that should be there. It muddles our feelings and understanding of what it's supposed to be (which is its own, longer drasha). We are exposed to it long before we even have the slightest capacity to appreciate that it is the purest and holiest possible bond of a husband and wife joining in a oneness with Hashem that has the potential to create life - the domain of the Borei Olam alone in all other instances. 

Circumstances put a kid in a candy shop and now he craves all the sweets. Sugar is sweet, but too much gives you a stomach ache. A treat isn't special when you are just indulging. You still want it, and then you want another, getting the sugar fix but it's not meaningful. There is no point to it beyond that moment. p is a sugar fix. The treat is a loving relationship culminating physically and spiritually in a real connection of absolutely everything. Watching p is only about me. Intimacy is about the ultimate we. But we're hooked on the sugar. We're chasing the temporary high to satisfy the urge to feel good in a cheap way, tainting the real pleasure that was confounded by fulfilling tayva only for tayva's sake. That's the way of this whole world though. Hashem created our physical bodies, our physical tayvos, and our yetzer hara. We are naturally and by design pulled towards these things. We do want them, but we don't really want them - we want something that they give us, mostly because we don't know how to experience those things in there intended form.

I think I rambled a bit - sorry about that. To sum up, it is normal to have a real tayva to watch p, but p isn't real. What you really want is something else which you can't taste right now. The sugar hijacked your tastebuds and now there is no balance of flavors, I just need to taste the sweet, and next time even sweeter. We're sick with sweet.

rocky21 wrote on 14 Oct 2024 12:02:

Piggybacking OYC, pretty soon after staying clean for a bit, we come to realize that porn is disgusting. It's the epitome of abuse of women's bodies (the  gangbangs even more so). fake and disgusting and it doesnt even help......