Well said.

KUTGW!!

I hope everyone's fast went alright. I had a fall the day before tisha b'av but it seems like it was just due to complacency, as i've since found myself in the same situation and not acted out. i'm still working to stay occupied during the day and things are getting better. its only about a month before i leave for israel (for 9 months  :o) so things will start getting hectic soon but i hope things are great with everyone else!

Day 1 as always.

Shlomo wrote on 22 Jul 2010 22:04:


Whoa! I hate to be the killjoy here, but..."just due to complacency?" What does that mean?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but it sounds like you're saying that it doesn't reflect on your ability to stay clean - that unless you get complacent, you can stay clean.

Is that what you're saying?

silentbattle wrote on 22 Jul 2010 22:46:


when i say just that i fell because i was complacent, it means it was a loss of focus and composure. essentially, i used my family computer without anyone being home which is obviously a terrible idea. since then, i've been put in the same situation multiple times (aka had this "freedom") and intentionally occupied myself with a more useful activity rather than using unrestricted internet.

i dont mean to say that i will be clean if i'm not complacent. its just been that in the past, complacency has been a main ingredient of a fall. hopefully this clears that up but if not please, care to share some chizuk SB! its always appreciated!

OK, I'll share some thoughts- thismay apply to you, or not. Take as needed. SOmetimes, I get the impression that people judge themselves by whether or not they're able to stay clean - regardless of whether or not they actually do so.

The fact is that we're all able to stay clean, but there's a world of a difference between the me that was able to stay clean, and the me that actually is clean.

today has been tough. i had two falls. the first one was due to an loophole in the filter that I stumbled upon. The second was due to a failure to fix the situation. since the second fall, i have emailed the filter gabbai and i (without making a vow) will do 25 pushups if i try to visit the website before it gets blocked. i know i need to start thinking before acting.

after today, i've thought a little about my relationship with Hashem. Given my background as a Jew, my davening is not at all where i would like it to be. i have a minimal understanding of hebrew and even when i do pick up a phrase here or there, i still feel like my davening is impersonal. this is partly due to a lack of a connection I feel with the tefillos, especially when i think of them in english (which is rare). to me, reading of the "King of Kings holy splendor and unwavering mercy" feels distant. chanting about "lovingkindness and truth" is tough to relate to. For some reason though, the Hebrew words have more of a personal connection with me, as I see the hebrew language as the holiest language, which it is. but i still dont feel a connection to Hashem when i daven.

i would love to have a part of my relationship with Hashem be like that taught by Rebbe Nachman, that of a close friend. not that i think that Hashem is my best friend, just that i should be able to (and actually) open up my thoughts to Him and to actually verbalize them. at the same time, i struggle finding a way to instill fear of Hashem in my mind. maybe this comes about through meditation. maybe through time. regardless, its an area where i need to work.

so......i think this is one of the major sources of my inability to put together a long streak. if i cant communicate or have a relationship with Hashem, how can i expect myself to give this fight over to Him?

I want to at least begin work on this area now, before heading off to Israel. In israel, i wont have access to internet (besides email), which is a huge , huge advantage in this battle. but at the same time, this means i wont have access to GUE and a support group with this, which absolutely stinks. so at least for me, now is the time for a lot of this work to be done.

if you've read this far, todah. i can only hope to report back with a more positive message tomorrow.

And by the way SB, thanks for that thought. it took me a while to digest and internalize, but is well worth the effort to understand.

Day 1 as always.

Shlomo,

Have you tried praying to Hashem in your own english words?  Forget the hebrew, He knows english just as well!

Try it, it works for me! (and I know what the hebrew words mean, it just is more natural for me to pray in english)

You may be able to stay in touch with some of the members via email, or even by phone - if you feel comfortable with that.

Well, Day 2 and things have gone well so far. My davening (and discipline) has been much better, just from trying to focus. in fact, i had a particularly strong urge when i was home alone. instead, i just caught up with a friend i hadnt spoken with in a while and that carried me through the ordeal. things have been solid here. i hope things are going well with everyone else!

SB- i'll definitely look to stay in contact with people through email.

JB- your tips really helped. they've really helped my davening and prayer throughout the day.

Day 1 as always.

My dear SholomShlomo wrote on 26 Jul 2010 02:29:


Do I understand right that the loophole wrapped around your foot and made you stumble?

Shlomo wrote on 26 Jul 2010 02:29:


Would it be fair to say that you are longing for a closer relationship with Hashem, and you wish while davening you felt that closeness?  If that's roughly the idea of what you said, do you understand that this longing is the deepest part of our soul, the longing to be closer to Him, to connect to Him, to ultimately experience the annihilation of our physicality as we merge with His infinite Light?  The flatness during davening is a well known phenomenon.  Guard sent these to me and I pass them on.  You'll no doubt share them too, and on and on.

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=296

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=518

Shlomo wrote on 26 Jul 2010 02:29:


7up once sent me something about Rebbe Nachman, how he used to go out somewhere and just talk to Hashem, in his native language (Yiddish, I think).  From this I just started to have little talks with Him, pretty much every day.  Nothing major.  Just asking for things, thanking Him for things He's done for me.  Asking questions.  It's helped settle me down a lot.  It helps me to remember that I do my little work and the result is in His hands.

I understand about the fear of G-d.  I'm Baal T'shuvah, and at first I could only feel the Love of Hashem.  But slowly, slowly the fear, or awe began to dawn on me.  It wasn't what I thought it would be.  It is what it is for me.  Just keep davening, having little talks (if that's right for  you), posting your brains out, reading the handbook and attitudes.  Which reminds me, I need to go do that.

May your trip to Israel be filled with joy, and the experiences of Hashem that you so beautifully long for.

1daat- thank you for your inspiring post and chizuk, especially the links to the emails

i had a fall yesterday but i can only blame myself. right now the only feelings i have are frustration and hope. the frustration is not at all negative, but more a call to action to stay focused 24/7 (or as close as humanly possible). the hope is rather obvious, but at the same time, i feel like my mindset is slowly evolving to a more focused mindset in regards to shemiras einayim as well as in regards to kedusha in general. so i guess its only day 1, but its just a matter of staying focused.

also, i'll be staying with my rav for shabbos (and spending the friday night meal at his house with a friend), something i havent done in months, given my schedule, so i'm really looking forward to this to end the week on a good note and head into next week on a wave of kedusha.

hope things are great with everyone else 

Day 1 as always.

Enjoy - that's awesome!

But hashem gives us a ride on a wave for a reason, and it's not just to enjoy the ride. It's up to us to use it, to keep the momentum going.

Have a great Shabbos.  I'm in your corner

i've fallen back into the same trap as when i started on GUE: i seem to only post about bad news. i fell today. right now, i'm feeling down. but in my book, thats a good thing. i feel like i started becoming numb to falling and i would always try and put on this happy face of nonchalance and just keep on moving without truly internalizing everything. but now i because i'm feeling down, it inspires me to make a change that (to the best of my ability, coupled with Hashem) i never feel this way again. its an ideal and while it will be near impossible, i can work hard and hope.

i was reading the email the 90-day-tracker sent me after falling and one thought reads: "It seems Hashem loves your divine service too much to just let you be happy with your current situation." And that couldnt be more correct. recently, i've only been able to put together streaks of less than a week, and in fact i've never had a streak long than 33 days since joining GUE. and i know its just a lack of focus and discipline. with a lot of things in life with deadlines, i always get the job done well but i typically do it last minute because thats when my thinking cap works best. but with this, i've learned that one should literally never wait to the last minute to back out of a situation, because its like quicksand. so i have to begin the process of learning to work on something for an extended (if not infinite) period of time.

so here's my new plan of action:
1) Say daily tehillim right after shacharis
2) Go to bed before 12
3) Have at least 1 post on the forum every day and at least update this thread once every 2 days.
4) Study (absolute absolute minimum) 30 minutes of Torah a day not online. This should get me using the computer less, thereby wasting less time.

Thanks for reading this far and for sticking with me. i can only work hard to make do Hashem's will. Hatzlocha to all who fight this same battle.

Day 1 as always.

Rock on, bro. You inspire me!