Day 9:
Baruch Hashem today went well. I was learning a Mishna today and it was talking about yichud and all of sudden I had an urge. I would say it was a 5/10, I am currently distracted myself by writing part of this post but I am hoping it will go away. Its always nice the first couple of days and it’s a breeze to count the first week (which why I as very surprise on day one) but when the second week hits that is when I start developing cravings, axiety, more stressed, get a little angrier and I attribute to all the bad things I used to watch and possible addicted. I am thinking of trying this herbal medication to see if it helps with the urges but I feel when writing I get distracted- I am in middle of watching flight to freedom and one of the questions it ask is

“If I were to continue with the way things are now, what do I think are the worst things that might happen to me?

Here is my answer I will get DIVORCE, it will affect my wife and daughter lives forever, it will lead me to prostitutions and non Jewish girls, ill loose my family, ill loose my job. ill be caught doing these things, ill be a slave or homeless, ill be begging for money. It will be horrible for me

Hopefully this takes away my urge

Day 10:

I cant believe it I made it this far. Baruch Hashem! Yesterday, I finally blocked the last device in my house, it was very hard, since I would watch youtube when I came home from work which helped me relaxed. Now that I have stopped watching P&M for 10 days I started to have these weird dreams as if my body wanted to act out- I am really afraid of having a wet dream. In the past when I would have a wet dream I would usually fall within 24-48 hours. I am really hoping that this does not happen to me. I email my sponsor regarding what I should do. Hopefully he can provide me tips. I feel that I have tension in my body that needs to be released.

Interesting to note that I read a story from GYE regarding a person’s personal reflection going through the 90 days and he mention something very powerful with what I am going through above.

Focus on the goal. Rav Noach Weinberg ZT"L always said, "Pain is the price we pay for pleasure." He would give the analogy of training for a big game. The trainee might be in pain and sweating bullets, but as long as he's focused on the game, he'll endure. Once he starts focusing on his discomfort, he won't last. Stop focusing on how hard it is to quit and how much you enjoyed porn & masturbation. Focus on the powerful giant you're creating of yourself.

I have to keep in mind my goal: TO BE FREE FROM P&M

Thank you Hashem for taking care of me and being with me. I could not have done it without you.

Links: https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/383913-Doing-the-impossible

Links for book: https://easypeasymethod.org/

Day 11:
Yesterday I finally opened up and spoke to someone on GYE, I didn’t know what to expect of it but I said to myself  “I know I have a problem and I know I need help”. I had to be very real with myself. I had a very good shmuz on the problem of P&M- it was eye opening but also changed my perspective on porn- what he said was” watching porn is like cheating on your wife” I felt horrible after hearing that, its hard to hear such a thing and I am still grappling trying to understand it but I know its true. We didn't talk about wet dreams but he did tell me that it’s a very good sign.

Interesting to note that I have been reading easy-peasy book linked in the pervious post and he mentions something that hits home but needs to be reminded when ever you have an urge.

The beautiful truth is that all porn does absolutely nothing for you whatsoever. Let me make it quite clear, it’s not that the disadvantages of being a user outweigh the advantages, it’s that there are zero advantages to looking at pornography.

Thank you Hashem for helping me stay strong and being there for me.

Day 12:
Baruch Hashem today well. I did have an urge in the afternoon after coming from work which I felt was caused by boredorm and not being active. I started read a book about Tisha b’av and the halachos regarding the fast but then it was not so interesting, so then I started playing chest on my filitred mac book which helped passed the time and also distracted me.
While reading the easypeasy book and gye something that I think its worthy noting that a person needs to understand is that he can live without porn- he does not need porn to survive- its not like air/food/water that he needs it to survive and if he does not have it he will die- no he does not need porn and he will be perfectly fine- its something that needs to be repeated multiple times to be ingrained into our heads but dont get me wrong a person will have urges/craving which he has to face with but I now and its something I have told myself that I do not need porn to survive. Thank you Hashem for guiding me and bringing me closer to you

Day 13:

Fridays are one of the hardest! I work half a day, yet when I get home I am bored and idle. I try to keep myself busy by getting ready for Shabbos/שנים מקרה and etc. right now I have urge/tension to masterbate but I have to be productive and keep reminding myself that I can live with out Porn and it’s not something I need to survive on. I was reading the third chapter of Easypeasy and he mentions something so profound and eye opening. I’ll summarize it here and post part of it when I get a chance (since I am typing this out in my phone). He states why is it by a habits, if you want you can stop them without a feeling of a crave and if when doing the habit you will feel enjoyment but when you watch porn you feel guilty/worthless/horrible afterwards and when you don’t watch it you have a big urge to watch?!?!?!? 

"We make and break habits every day of our lives, so why do we find it difficult to break a habit that makes us feel deprived when we don’t have it, guilty when we do, one that we would love to break anyway, when all we have to do is stop doing it?

The answer is that porn isn’t habit, it’s addiction! That’s why it appears to be so difficult to ‘give up’. Most users don’t understand addiction and believe that they get some genuine pleasure or crutch from porn. They believe they’re making a genuine sacrifice if they quit."

My wife asked me if I can fix something but I need to watch YouTube. I said I rather not expose myself and I’ll figure it out on my

Shabbos is coming I have to go but writing this out helped a little to decrease the urge. Just keep reminding myself I don’t need porn since it’s not dependent on living.

Baruch Hashem for keeping me so strong. I can’t do it with out

Day 14

Shabbos. Where do I start? The second I woke up I had an urge. I would say it was 8/10. It was bad. I kept doing my exercise saying “I don’t need porn, I can live without it” but I was using up my will power which I didn’t want to do. I went to bathroom which helped it a bit but I still had an urge. I felt like I was detoxing from porn. It was really hard. Baruch Hashem it was Shabbos and that I can’t touch anything. I tried to keep busy but it was hard. While I was in shul or eating at someone house the urges went a way. The key is to distract yourself and do not be curious. As you know curiosity killed the cat. Never be curious because once you see something that it. You eye want to continue to see more until you tell yourself it already to late and you have fallen

Something I have that I have learnt in the past from my previous falling is that when I start counting days I have feeling that I am going to fall but I am not going to lose this time. I have been clean since July 29. I don’t know if I am on day 13 or 14. Who cares as long as I am clean for today I am fine

As I am typing this late motzi Shabbos I am thanking Hashem for being there for me today. Thank you Hashem for helping me stay strong

Day 15:
Baruch Hashem Sunday went well with no urge, I am bit surprise since I was extremely bored/not productive-I would think I would fall, but I didn’t- Hashem was for sure watching over me. I was washing my car and I saw my neighbor who was dressed inappropriately- I saw her once and told myself that I will not look again. Baruch Hashem, I did not fall. Thank You Hashem for being there for me.

I am going to also combine Monday with this post since I think added an extra post to my 90 day diary/count

Monday:
I feel okay today, a little stressed/body aches- I think I am over worrying myself due to the upcoming fast. I am just tired after a long day of work- slight urge 1/10 but Baruch Hashem everything is going well.

I was going through my phone browser which is completely locked and only allows certain websites and I wanted to know if my history contained so I searched in my history the word “porn”. Baruch Hashem nothing showed up but I was courios to see if anything would show up. I do not know why I even searched it, maybe because I was afraid something would show up. I know I should have not given into my curiosity. I have to be much stronger or else I will slip

I am going through the GYE forums and I am wondering where do I even start to ready?

Maybe I should start here?

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/413866-Thread-of-Hall-of-Fame-Threads

Day 16:
Tuesday
Baruch Hashem today went well, I had no urges but I am tired/hungry due to the fast. I emailed my mentor regarding my pervious question of where should I start on GYE forums. I am currently watching flight to freedom/reading rock bottom stories/ easypeasy book/listening to battle of the eyes/ writing a diary. I don’t know if I am doing to much but I am seeing success in what I am doing- the number of urges I have experienced Baruch Hashem have bene low like 5/10 and I give credit since I am extremely limiting myself to what I see NO youtube/social media/causal browsing and when I am outside I try to be careful what I look at- therefore reducing my cue in the CURE cycle- Cue, Urges, Response, Effect. Update: I had an urge yesterday- someone that my wife was chatting on offer up was dressed inappriopatly- that was my cue, I had an urge of 6/10, response- I did not act and I just said no, effect- I feel okay, maybe a bit powerful

I would like to share this paragraph from the easypeasy book “All users begin seeking porn for irrational reasons. The only reason anybody continues using porn, whether they’re a casual or heavy user, is to feed that little monster. The whole conundrum is a series of cruel and confusing punishments, but perhaps the most pathetic aspect is the sense of enjoyment a user gets from a session, trying to get back to the sense of peace, tranquility and confidence their body had before becoming hooked in the first place”

Thank You Hashem for keeping me strong

Day 17:
Wednesday
Today was hectic in the office. In the morning I was stressed and a little depressed due to not seeing results on a side job I was working on- I feel like I am wasting money and not seeing any results. I am trying to understand why Hashem is not helping me in this endeavor-I have been working on myself to be clean, cutting out all cues, I was hoping he would throw me a present stating good job for staying clean for so long, I am happy for you. I am currently learning about the CURE cycle and I am trying to incorporate it into my day- My cue today would be feeling depressed/stressed with an urge of 6/10, response is trying to stay positive that Hashem will help me. I have to work on my stress and feeling down since these are cues to cause me to fall.

Then my job wanted to schedule a meeting at 3:30 close to Shabbos and I am like seriously. Baruch Hashem, He was able to switch to virtually, that was the present Hashem sent me

Very powerful article

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes#124073

Day 18:
Thursday
Baruch Hashem today went well, a lot of the stressed I experienced yesterday went away, I still have urges but I am using the CURE cycle and trying to change the cycle. I feel with this cycle you are using more of your willpower to stop acting on the urge (response) by saying “ I don’t need porn to live and I can survive without needing it”. Their needs to be a replacement of the response in the cure cycle but I don’t know what to replace it with.

Anyone of have tips?

hundredbrachos wrote on 16 Aug 2024 15:14:

Congrats on hitting chai! Keep on trucking to chayim and beyond.

Excellent question. 

I'm not sure I have an answer, and I'm definitely no expert in the F2F program tools. I thought CURE was just a tracking exercise to help you get a handle on what in your life triggers you and how you respond. What happened, how did that make you feel, how did you respond, and how did that response make you feel. Then you need to do the hard work of deciding which responses make your life better, setting up your life to avoid urges as much as practically possible, and implementing different responses instead of the ones that have negative effects (as you said). 

So the broader question is how to respond to urges without using up all your willpower? Just saying "NO" sometimes works, but isn't really sustainable long term for most people. I'm not an expert but I'll share some things I've learnt and tried that seem to work for me.

Urge surfing - just sit and accept that you have an urge, that it's not a "bad" thing to have an urge but you don't have to give in to it. Often that alone will let the urge go. If not, then sitting there and davening is pretty darn powerful. Ask Hashem to help you live the life he wants you to live. Reaching out and connecting with a chaver (or anyone) and sharing how you're feeling is a very powerful tool as well (but admittedly difficult sometimes). Many many people have had hatzlacha with reframing the urge as an opportunity to become close to Hashem and embracing it as a joyful opportunity to not act out. 
There are small, easy things to do as well like just distracting yourself with something kosher. 

Willpower and self-control are finite resources. Just saying "NO" a.k.a. white-knuckling uses a lot of willpower and burns out (for most people. There are exceptions to every rule except the rule "do what works for you".) Additionally, you're not changing anything - you're just not doing the thing you want to do because you don't think it's good for you.

But the types of responses listed here don't use up nearly as much willpower. It's hard to not do what you want. It's not so hard to wait a minute, or pick up the phone. On top of that, these responses have added benefits. Connecting to someone honestly is dynamite to lust. Davening in response is a potentially life-changing connection to Hashem. Reframing an urge as an opportunity to become closer to Hashem and embracing the joy of not acting out is a while different life. 

Hope this was clear and answered your question. (Happy to schmooze about any of this if it wasn't clear. PM me for my number or email to the address in my signature). KOM100BAT!

hundredbrachos wrote on 16 Aug 2024 15:14:

Are you saying that the urge is your response to, say stress, and you are trying to learn a new response to your circumstances?

I think that leaves you with 2 options.
1 - learn to avoid and preemptively mitigate the stress
2 - once stressed, what can you do to decompress 

Have you tried meditation, yoga, music, or a hobby? Friends are also a great way to connect and stay level. 

Hatzlacha 

Thank you. I did not think of changing the response. I'll use this an opportunity to get closer to Hashem 

No, what I am saying is that I will have cue such as stressful situation that happens at work or I am walking in a supermarket and I see someone dressed inappriopatly this will cause me to have urge to respond to said cue but I am trying to change my response to the urge- I have noticed most of the time I am using my willpower to say no the urge and not responding. Like Chosemyshem stated I should change my response and think of it as an opportunity to get closer to Hashem 

Day 18:

Friday

How do people live with their cues that they cant control such as going to the supermarket or walking outside have normal life?

While I was davening for help from Hashem, I remember a Gemara Shabbos 88B stating how Moshe arguing with melachim regarding receiving the Torah. Moshe was afraid of responding to the melachim since he was afraid they might burn them with their breath. Hashem said do not worry, hold onto my throne and I’ll protect you. I want to say a kal vochmer here, when moshe answered back melachim so he can receive the Torah for klal yisroel- Hashem said do not worry, hold onto my throne and ill protect you, then forsure when it comes to keep the commandment to guard your eyes and to stay holy, for sure Hashem will help us because now we are actually doing the commandments.

Link:

www.ou.org/holidays/the-case-for-receiving-the-torah-moshes-debate-with-the-angels/#_ftn1