that I don't even consider surfing these treifa sites.

I also feel some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm no "sex addict".

I know this has to stop. When I was in yeshiva in Israel I had far greater control over this addiction... I cried and prayed at the kotel that I should have the strength to overcome it. Unfortunately, I have failed time and time again... and that's why I am here... I also feel some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm no "sex addict"...

What the handbooks refer to as "sex-addiction" simply means "lust addiction". Most of the guys here are not addicted to live sexual liaisons, but rather sexaholics anonymous deals with Lust addiction in all it's forms. And that applies equally to you. The handbooks therefore apply fully to you.

As far as the question as to what constitutes an addiction, see this article where Rabbi Twerski explains how one can get addicted to this from a single use! Even if someone can go without it for a long time, he is still addicted if specific situations make him feel powerless to resist it even though it goes against his morals and inner desires. See also this page.

Also, as Rabbi Twerski once asked someone who asked your question, "if you're not an addict, why don't you just stop doing it?"

So keep reading the handbooks, my good friend!

Be well!

Welcome aboard the GYE community read the daily emails and try to avoid the movies. There is no movie that has no women, lust is lust.

Halevi,

Welcome Home! Your new home filled with many who understand and empathize with every aspect of your struggle, because it's OUR struggle.

Thanks, brother!

Halevi wrote on 04 Jan 2010 02:18:


I'm gonna start out with the strong stuff, my friend, cuz you just gotta understand the yesod: How do we define an addiction? It's when you KNOW it's the wrong behavior, you see clearly how it's hurting you and is or will ruin your life, but regardless YOU STILL CAN'T STOP. I'm not referring to the "not being able to stop in the middle of one act", which is the clearest sign, but even the "Not being able to stop from going back to repeat it again." Look at your words above. They remind me of the smoker who says "I can quit smoking anytime i want - I've quit 5 times already...!"

Spot on.

You will one day, you must one day understand that you ARE an addict, a LUST addict. Feel inside yourself. Do you have a craving, a deep desire to lust, and to be lusted after? Did we not watch the P**n clips because we were projecting ourselves into the movie? Why? Be honest. Were we not seeking some sense of power or control? Or were we looking to numb ourselves from facing some uncomfortable realities in our lives? And since we are not proud of ourselves, why not seek that pleasure in ways we know to be self-destructive?

Can't I just be a lust addict and leave it at that? There may be deeper issues at play but there's nothing which screams out to me at the moment. I don't think I've been projecting or seeking power or control. My life is pretty good - I have two loving parents and two fantastic siblings and I don't have any stresses or great worries to contend with. Porn can be exciting and lusting can be enjoyable. With any rush, it's easy to get hooked. But if I were to put it down to anything, I'd say simple boredom and curiosity would play a part. Maybe it's as a result of spending too much time in isolation? Who knows.

And we can not truly "control" this addiction. That's the definition of an addiction - it's out of our control. Once we start an act of lust, once we give in once, we can not pull out until we fall steeply. Do you not agree?

I agree.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE IS NO HOPE! We are not doomed. WE CAN BECOME FREE FROM THE DESIRE TO LUST. That's right. YOU can get to a place where you will no longer have the desire to lust ever again. Like the Yetzer Hara to eat a trief steak, which you do not have because it is below your "bechira point" in life, you can do the same for your Yetzer Hara for Lust. You can move on from it.

And yet I've read on this website that "once an addict, always an addict". So which is it?

On this site you will find more than just chizuk to stay clean, my friend. You will find the challenge to explore WHY you got this way, why we all get this way, what our real driving motivations and fears are that lead us to WANT to LUST.

Where and how can I find that out?

All the excuses, the thinking "OK, IT'S JUST A BATHING SUIT PICTURE, IT'S SAFER." which ends up dragging us further down into worst images, etc. And without the internet, which BTW I am overawed that you are boldly getting out of your life, still the provocatively dressed women you just pass on the street are potential triggers. You can and should do all you can to avoid triggers. But that is not the final ticket to freedom from lust. We need a system to avoid what the triggers do to us.

I'm trying really hard to avoid triggers at the moment. Today I went to the beach and as you can imagine it was packed with women in revealing outfits. I made a point of not gazing at ANY of them. I meditated on the line in avos that "who is strong? one who conquers their inclination".

And the secret to THAT, my friend, can be found in an anonymous 12-Step Program, several of which you can find thru this site. I'm sure they are all excellent, but i have just finished one with Duvid Chaim, and I can recommend him very highly. He is amazing, and SO good at what he does. He's starting another one in February, so look into them and see if you can join. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

I read a fantastic testimonial for it this morning in the daily email. It's a phone hookup though, isn't it? I'm not from Israel, the US or the UK so I'm not sure how I could join in. Parents pay the phone bill. It feels a little too extreme at the moment anyway. I've watched TV shows on people dealing with addiction. Just recently I was watching a show about celebrities dealing with sex addiction It's called "Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew". Now those people are really screwed up.

Meanwhile, keep up the good work!! Daven for help, and call out here for chizuk any time.

Hatzlacha rabbah!!!

Steve.

Thanks,

Halevi.