Nope.  Apart from my internet service provider knowing all - I've kept it secret since teen years, and 30+ yrs marriage.  Although  a few years into marriage my wife did find a few magazines.  Things were never quite the same after that, go figure 

5770 wrote on 09 May 2024 18:44:

Wow. And you don't feel like you're falling apart at the seams from living a double life like that for so long?

To word the question a bit differently, do you dream of being able to get this off your chest to someone or have you made peace with it (Although I can't imagine how that's humanly possible, to me that sounds supernatural) ?

yeah, of course. The damage is everywhere.  But you know - it doesn't happen overnight.  Broken is very much normal to me.  And sadly,  not all that hard to maintain when you're an old hand (no pun intended)


I want to be free of it, but doing a confessional is not on my list.

5770 wrote on 09 May 2024 19:31:

I would not term it as a "confession", that would irritate me too, for sure...rather what I mean to suggest, as you have certainly seen many times on this forum, is the concept of having a relationship with someone that understands you.

A person who's been there, done that, and maybe even still has his struggles. 

A person you can experience the joys (and the downs) of life in an open, honest kind of way. 

A person who you can be real and vulnerable to, a person who will not judge you for who you are. 

In other words, a real friend. 

Many have found this through this very forum, and it changed their lives in a way that very little else ever did. 

Does this tickle your fancy?

5770 wrote on 09 May 2024 19:31:

Unfortunately, this resonated with me. Over the course of my struggles, I'd completely forgotten what happiness was like. The most I could hope for was a lack of pain. B"H things aren't like that anymore.

that is very good to hear...

day 11.

I can confirm that what's really lacking is the THRILL

OTOH I have my wife's honey-do list which is, well.... not quite as thrilling:grinning:

well and there we are.Back to square zero.
I love my free will. But I hate it.
My wife is now away, due to health issues. Possibly for months.
Please Hashem remove my free will and find an easy place to dwell within me.

Oish!!
That is so painful. 
I wilbe davening for the two of you 

hey i do appreciate that

Hey @5770 how's it going?
How's your wife doing?

I was thinking about your situation. Do you think it'll be helpful if you start a project while your wife is away? What if you threw yourself into woodworking (just to pick a random example) with the goal of building a table before she gets back?  Being busy is one of the most powerful solutions, and now with her away it is a great time to get involved in something. [Perhaps ideally challenging yourself to complete a sefer is better, but you have to be honest about what will hold your attention. I'd recommend Chovos Halevovos (many English translations available) if you want a recommendation.]

ah the wife is the same, unwell, exhausted and p-off with me.

i actually have a few hobbies that are fairly constructive. But I cannot really motivate to do them,

But I did download the English version of chovos halevavos and I will give it a spin and report back.  Appreciate the tip!

Here is my enduring to-do list.  Turns out while porn is the most devastating and antisocial "thing" or mine -  it is by no means my only thing.



food

porn

anger

exercise

procrastination

timewasting



I think these are all types of addictions. None of them are under control. 



I have over the years tried to track these items on a daily basis, with the overall result that I never actual go forward, but I always break even.



I know small changes over time give the best value, but I seem to undermine myself, one way or another.



Anyway, managed to do some exercise today and keep off the porn. Oh and , in good news I am not addicted to gambling so hurrah.







 

well I think i will update daily here.  Day 3.  Ain't much, but it's a start!

5770 wrote on 06 Jun 2024 21:57: