hey umm not proud to ask but anyone here ever act out to spite the wife?  Unclear if I do it out of spite or just..u know... because.

 i guess it's just "i am entitled to compensation for tolerating you!"

I have acted out because my wife refused to be with me in the bedroom or tolerate me but it wasn't out of spite. I was just very hurt and acting out relieved my anxiety and hurt feelings. I did feel that it was my wife's fault and she deserved to pay the price for my acting out. Although she mistreated me (and I mistreated her) it wasn't true that acting out was her fault but this was how I felt at the time.

5770 wrote on 21 Apr 2024 19:00:

I think it's very common. I notice it in myself too. 
One thing that helped with that was a comment HHM made, porn=cheating. If you can internalize that a little, then when you notice that thought process you can argue back "yeah she did that. But because of that small thing I should cheat on her?" 
It becomes a disproportionate revenge k'eilu.

Edit: I think this is true for people with generally good relationships with their spouse who had a e.g. a petty argument. For someone with more shalom bayis challenges this may not help so much.

re. porn=cheating.  That's an interesting one.  Although it is probably 100% equivalent, it doesn't feel quite as drastic.

If we assume that our wives are spiritually aware of their husband's behaviour (and the wife being a reflection of the huisbands glory, etc) then it makes sense that a chronically depressed wife is the direct product of a long marriage of cheating/porn.

Certainly is the case for me!

PS should add that ive never "physically" cheated on my wife. However if you equate porn/mast. then I have done.  POrn is the coward's way to cheat. He is not brave enough to risk doing anything that would risk his marriage and he feels there is no victim so how can he be cheating? (i've switched to refrring to myself in the 3rd person, which I think rather makes the point about it being an act of cowardice and denial)

and :sigh: back to one day we go

thing is... its not just about the p**/mas*****.  Its the whole thing. In my case - procrastination breeds boredom, sadness etc which of course causes the acting out. When you get to my age (i'd rather not say ) you got a LOT of things to remind yo about how messed up your life is. Worst of all I have the house to myself most days, so its pretty much open season.  if I can get past 10 days it will be worthy of a lechayim (perhaps I can create another addiction!) Anyhoo good shabbos gents

Boredom and sadness can both be treated by doing something you enjoy doing, or by doing exercise and socializing. All three keep you occupied and give you a lot of positive energy.

5770 wrote on 03 May 2024 00:12:

Dear 5770,

I do not know you personally, you seem like a great guy, fighting hard. Yes, the very fact that you are here, is very special.

 From reading your posts on this thread, I thought it would be beneficial to bring your attention to a link of Dov’s old posts.

This forum is a wonderful place of hope and inspiration. Yet it can sometimes be counterproductive. Sometimes, we are stuck in a cycle, where we act out, feel bad, and then, when that feeling of disgust dissipates, we fall back into square one.

This painfully circuitous cycle repeats itself, and posting here can sometimes give one the illusion that things are progressing, when they are actually not.

Its great to give chizuk that abstaining from porn for barely ten days is amazing, yet it is equally important to be brutally honest with oneself, am I going in circles or am I actually changing?

Am I managing to pull of more significant streaks, am I marching towards kicking this forever?

Am I changing my pattern of thinking? Am I trying to live life as a balanced and healthy person?

Painful questions.

Dov’s posts helped me a lot, because he has a way with words. He has a way of pulling away the curtain of deception, to show us that we may have a problem. “Addict” or not, matters little to me…tachlis….do I have a problem?? Is this a normal way of living, with all these obsessions about lust? Living by not living, but escaping?

I will share them here. Read around, no, not everything may resonate, but there's a lot to learn from and apply to yourself in your own way.

Wishing you much success! -YKW

yikes, yes this does sound familiar.  I definitely can justify my acting out by reminding myself: well done and don't worry -  you are posting on the forum!

definitely in the cycle. sigh

The disappointment here is that when I did manage long stretches of self control, literally none of the other things in my life improved! (WHAT A SURPRISE)   My wife was NOT happier with me, the kids were NOT better behaved, work was NOT better and my health continues to decline.  And not only that my sweet, secret, delicious treats were banned!

Painful questions.

Yep I am definitely in the category of living by escaping. In my case, everything is geared towards escape in the form of rests, rewards, distractions, treats etc.

So thank you for the Dov posts.  Wow that is a lot of material!  I started randomly reading... it is frustrating because I am sufficiently old enough to know better, but a key take away is that this is (certainly in my case) stemming from a reluctance/inability to actually grow up.  Hilariously I am pretty old calendar-wise, with all the ravages of illnesses and worn out body parts... but with the brain of an idiot boy in many other ways.

So on the one hand. If you met me in real life - I OUTWARDLY have the hallmarks of some moderate success in life as a parent and with adult stuff, but in many ways (ask my wife) an appalling immature husband due to frankly not being an actual adult man.  And by adult man - my reference would be someone life my grandfather or my wife's father as example of actual mature men.

I guess none of these failing is a massive concern when one is say 30 as there is always HOPE for the future.  However at (errrm) double that age there is not much runway left!

Anyway thank you for taking the time to post about this.

5770 wrote on 05 May 2024 16:53:

Wow, Reb 5770, that was quite brutally honest!

You seem to be acutely aware of how much your life is about escaping and not being present in the moment. That alone is a beautiful realization.

There’s a lot of despair in your words, much of it perhaps compounded by your age.

Although we all know what the Sefarim say about the possibility to change no matter how old you are, I am not really in the position (eerrmm, as close to half your age) to give you encouragement about this.

Perhaps there are older GYE users, more middle aged and older, who can chime in and give us some hard facts based on personal experience…is it possible for older people to retrain their thought patterns, and learn to live a life without lust? Any older success stories out there?

Regarding what you wrote about how life did not improve when you were having good streaks, Dov does seem to write a lot, in his own experience, about how things eventually turned around b'ruchnies and b'gashmius after a few years. There's also a great post here from Eerie, which makes a great point. 

ha - this is a cautionary tale about being an early adopter of technology porn, indeed!

Although most of the older rabbeim are probably busy helping the lost souls, it stands to reason that a good number of GYE members could potentially end up like me - habitual LIFETIME internet/porn/consumers, regardless of marital state.

I read somewhere (eerie or someone) that we have to dehumanize the whole process to make it easier.

I started buying porn from physical shops back in the day - but I would always chose corner shops where the seller/owner was NOT LIKE ME (derive your own conclusions about that) - thus making it easer.

Similarly  -  the women are not actually our  mothers, daughters or sisters, they are completely separate meat objects which we cannot relate to other them being angels, sexy, unrelatable - UNOBTANIUM.

Anyway I dont know where I am going with this. I apolgize for the rant.  Shalom bayis is at a standard, regular low as I write.

If I don't write to you guys here- the alternative is worse.So  thank you gye brothers for just listening

Yaakov (aka 5770)
PS I will watch some more of F2F later. SO Not a completely wasted day

I see a lot of meaningless words in your post. The only words I can figure out are: "Shalom bayis is at a standard, regular low as I write. I will watch some more of F2F later". These words sound like good things to focus on.

yitzchokm wrote on 09 May 2024 00:18:

yep you are not wrong.

Yaakov, I'm sorry to hear it seems like you had a hard day yesterday.

I see you are here for a very long time. I've read many of your posts, but not over a decades worth of them

Have you ever done anything beyond the forum? SA meetings or relationships? Does anybody here know your real name and face?