Fall this morning 

notezy wrote on 24 Jul 2024 20:25:

Brother NotEzy, who do you have to talk to?
Talking to HHM once a month is beautiful. Have you considered talking to one or more people more frequently, perhaps 1-2 times a week?
When your life is positive, it helps you fight the urges. But what if the falls are making it more difficult to find yourself? It's a catch 22 and you may need to break that cycle by, as you say "embracing the suck" long enough to catch your breath and focus.

It hurts to see you taking hit after hit and it's a real inspiration that you stay standing every time. Praying for you to find what you need.
Kol tov

Thats somthing to try contacting people more often even ehen thing go well but I don't always get through

I am not posting daily anymore because I decided not to count the days for now like I said in an earlier post
but I think I might try doing some updates every once in a while aside from marking when I have a fall...
so anyways despite the fall I had this morning things are good. 
Trying to think of what I could talk about "fall" I saw someone using it on here and adopted it into my own vocabulary to replace "ending streak" I found it helpfull switching these words to reframe "falls" and it's part of what I have used to be less emotionally drained by the battle and the falls is one of my tools to help me bounce back quicker. I know it sounds like such a simple little thing but I thought I would share it.

Had a fall today. I finally got a call back from dov today. We talked it was worth it. Have a good shabbos.

Another fall last night

And a fall this afternoon 

Fall

Reb Notezy,
not to be rude or anything cv, but i think you need help. Fast.
What makes you fall almost every day? i feel terrible just reading about a fall every other day. 
if you need adivse or help, a lot of us are eager to help. But you gotta come out of your shell and talk to us.

good luck bro.

Taking a break from even posting falls on here to refelect on why I am doing this I have talked with dov I think I am going to still be in touch but I am going to try to follow what yields best results and this ain't it anymore I still might pop in if tmi have what to share that will help me... like I notice I have streets under more control but sometimes make the mistake of forgetting thst vigilance in my own home with devices.

30days clean eyes as in not chasing my eyes on the internets 
got help from hhm and still in contact with him. Also join dovs calls every so often.
haven't been in contact to much with people on the daily accept for hhm I guess I can get on that.

Youtube still hard to get off.
I have been looking for a good tool to block the site across my windows 10 computer I already have covenet eyes but that isint good enough for site blocking
Um I talked to tag recently and i dont know if this is a new thing or they always did this but it seems they only reccomend 3 filter options i thought i rememberd them having a wider knowledge base but i guess not. Anyways it leaves what to be desired... i want more information on parental control tools if anyone has more information on which ones are good and which ones aren't please tell me... or if u know of a good resource to find out....

Wow wow wow ! I just read your thread, you have amazing koach to get back up every time 

An update:
60 days clean eyes 
Started using the Freedom app for blocking on my computer it's not perfect but it suits my needs I am starting to slowly get off youtube by blocking it 3 nights a week and 1 day fully the other 2 are half days anyways (Friday, Saturday) and really only using it download some videos from the people I subscribe to to watch later. In other words a lot less browsing and scrolling.
Been working on the Shmiras Anyim with HHM planing to start taking Shmiras habrit more seriously when I am ready. Thinking about taking a few day on a week. I would be curious to talk to people who have taken this approach of instead of trying to go for streaks to choose days off during the week they stay clean if anyone has advice on how that goes for people I would love to hear it.
Overall life is going slowly and i am in yeshivah less but its not in my hands so i am just trying to take it one step at a time.
I wish it was diffrent but that doesnt seem to be my lot right now.
Alright thats all for now.

Wish I could go faster but I don't think I can. I think this is a test for me, in life to be patient and persistent, I'm always wishing to be somewhere else like 10-15 years into my future. learning to be okay with the now is my test, understanding I really dont need to have it all settled in order to live happy. I wish I could say I am able to accept it now... maybe in 10-15 more years I will be able to .

I am debating trying to take on 1 day at a time of being clean each week and and then adding when I feel like I have made that day a habbit maybe about  a month or 2 so each...

Alternatively I was suggested to to try taking on the entire week with 2 days to not be clean and see how that goes...

debating/not sure which.
Plan 1 aims for sustainability while 2 will get me to my destination quicker.

looking for advice and maybe a little encouragement.
I haven't been on in a while