Had a fall 

And another 

Do you have a mentor or accountability partner? 

Feeling your pain! Hug!

So you stumbled while trying to get back up. It happnes. Looking at previous falls, can you find a pattern as to what triggers them? Even something seemingly harmless? It could be some form of entertainment or exposure, your state of mind, etc? I see in the past you referred to a very stressful sounding situation as well as lack of sleep as a cause.
So, knowing this can happen, what cna be done to prepare for the next round? 
How do you normally deal with stress and things?
Another thing, do you feel like it's a specific point that the falls happen? Like, after a fall I know i have certain patterns of how i feel and when and how long things alternate between easy and very hard, etc. If you feel there's a certain step in the withdawl process you get stuck on, you just need to push past that.

It sounds like you are going though a lot and that of course makes it much harder, i was going to suggest focusing on those issues instead but it never works that way. 

EDIT: I remember seeing underwater footage during a storm. You see the fish doing their fish thing, poking through coral and eating, and then the strong winds and currents come pulling all the fish backwards. some just disappear out of sight, but some keep trying to swim against the tide. it's impossible, they're just struggling to stay in place and end up moving backwards. but when the currents finally die down, they're close enough to get right back to where they were going. And the currents keep coming back, and their fight just to stay in place doesnt seem to be working, but because they kept struggling they can get right back to snatching at the food before the next current hits. And even when they move backwards, it's not so far they lose sight of the goal. While the other fish could end up a mile away. 

The currents may seem impossible to fight right now. But doing whatever you can, and grabbing whatever you can, you'll be able to get right back up when you're able to move forward again. And unlike those fish, our efforts always have an impact. 
I forgot who it was who said that maybe the reason for the troubles yeshivos are having in israel is becuase the world needs more amelilus and mesiras nefesh for Torah. Maybe these seemingly impossible battles is becuase the world needs someone putting in that struggle and mesiras nefesh, in order to counteract a world that can't be bothered to try. Who knows your picking yourself up could provide the spiritual koach for someone who hasnt yet tried to free himself to get started.

SO sorry for everything you are going through, wish we could help, but we can listen.

Fall no comment

I think I have nothing but cheep words in terms of recommitment that's why I don't like talking about it so much. Here's what I should get off my chest... and I'll probably post this on my thread after.I see a pattern my falls are linked to how I feel about my situation in life genrally when I feel lost and failing and like I am trapped and don't have what it takes to get my life together. When I feel it futile to go on and that I am not getting the help I need from g/d or people  this is when I most often fall and indulge in self destructive habits. I see that one way to win this battle would be to get to a better place in life. And bezrat hashem this would eliminate the problem in most ways and as long as I don't feel abandoned and like I am headed in the right direction and have hope I won't fall.Now I questions this because I am praying but I feel in a sense like iyov and that my situation won't change unlike iyov I am not perfect and have made many mistakes and caused much damage so I fele unworthy of being saved and this adds to the feelings of futility I know thats a very Christian way of thinking and my opinions on free will don't help...( a long discussion needs to happen at some point) I debate weather I need to push myself harder and suck up the suck or if I must be kinder to myself in these situations when life throws me sh*t and allow myself to experience and just let myself react normally without to much interference and let my emotions and self destructive habbits run their course untill I pull myself together a few days later...What really bothers me is the situation I feel like I cant get out of it and to a place where I want to be in life and I pray to get there but g/d has his reason and I am not there but who is to blame or is it just a matter of time and patience or maybe I don't use my free will enough their really seems to be know way of knowing for sure.But I feel like if I really want to be successful in this battle my life needs to sort itself out as a foundation and the tools I have learned will get me over the finish line but as it is they only get me so far. I feel like I am obsolving myself of responsibility here which doesn't sit well with me but these are the conclusions I have come to and I am just trying to work with what I got.

My emunah tends to wane when things go to sh*t after a period of time not returning which makes me question if I am worthy of good things, my belife system, what purpose emunah has in my life if things are correcting themselves maybe I am doing a really bad job at putting my hishtsdlus in...

Really powerful and honest. Thank you for sharing.

I totally agree that when things go bad and feel futile is when the urge to act out is strongest. Self blame for failure, feeling unanswered by God, feeling unworthy, etc. all these feelings you described are extremely relatable. And yeah, I have hashkafic sources (excuses?) to back up all those feelings.

I strongly recommend listening to at least 1-6 of Dov's 12 step workshops (link in my signature). Forget about working the 12 steps - there's some extremely powerful content about recognizing Hashem isn't going to swoop in like a deus ex machina to remove all your problems, but also recognizing that Hashem is infinitely kind, loves you no matter what, and put you in these specific reasons for the kindest possible reasons (that you may never know). And maybe it's time to work on accepting that, stop running away from his ratzon, and live life on his terms. It's a life-long job. No guarantees it'll help, but that's my current strategy and it feels powerful.

Put all the eitzos, tricks, charts, books, tools, and tips aside. Yeah they are all important and helpful, but they ain't cutting it.

Start living. 

Start connecting to other people honestly (yeah with your name and face and all). Start connecting with Hashem. Start living your life the way it is, not the way your ego wants it to be.

Full disclaimer: This is hard, and I haven't done it. 

chosemyshem wrote on 24 Jul 2024 21:07:

Glad someone can relate and thanks for the good advice. ill try to check it out the dov episodes although I have struggled navigating that part of the site from my phone in the past maybe I'll do it from my computer when I get a chance.

Today I had a fall and i sicken myself I am going to try to change I have been getting by but that's not enough

I feel for you! Try taking it a day at a time shabbos for many is an easier day to pass. Can not wait to hear back from you mtz shabbos weather with a pass or not. Keep us the trying that's what is important. Your a ben aliya which doesn't mean you are clean a million days rather that your trying to go up! Good shabbos

Fall 

Ouch

Notezy, at the risk of sounding pushy, see what I commented here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/407520-Nothing-to-lose?limit=15&start=405#415956).

I'd mention it again as it literally gave me my life back after going through cycles like yours. Would you reach out to HHM (michelgelner@gmail.com)? You won't regret it!!! He's kind, sweet, easy to talk to, and many many other great adjectives you can think of!
Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose!

With much brotherly love - and a hug!,
Muttel

Muttel wrote on 28 Jul 2024 14:54:

Yes I do talk to him.
about once a month I try to call in. I'll be honest this fall could have been avoided by vigilance in the department of just keeping to a program like reading the book or f2f..  tried doing some f2f stuff this afternoon after that fall.