I had a fall.Had an open day was thinking about going somewhere but didnt.I saw some stuff accidentally but went back to it and felt guilty for doing so.Around the same time I found something got past my tools for blocking and I went there and had a fall. I already figured out what i am going to change in my filter settings to prevent this happning again.The 30 day challenge had some simple rules that really were good for me at setting a line in the sand that if you cross it then u have fallen and helped me get here again. I am worried by the fact that I have crossed it. Because it takes away from the strength of the fence.This was my own doing.I could have went for a walk like hhm said earlier in the day.

Alright I had some time to think.
I want to achive greatness to be great would be to carry on despite this fall and keep going knowing how hard it is...
Thats what I will do. 

first stop call hhm.
second stop go for a walk and or leave the house.
Tommrow change the filter settings.

The strange thing is this past 9 days felt like each day each moment I struggled I recognized the choice in the matter. And worrying about potential future falls was a stumbling block I avoided by calling it out. Each choice was looked at to go on in that moment they didn't really follow a pattern of getting easier or harder they all felt hard. 

Reaching out did help some advice I got was better then others.
Ultimately the choice was mine and to make excuses would be to take steps backwards.

Funnily that feeling of a desire to give in the sense that it was to hard to control myself was absent from my mind as I fell. It was just getting it over with knowing it wouldn't be worth it but still doing it anyways like this was just how things went. 
Despite hating this being the fact the truth is still I was looking for entertainment to veg out to I went and read the news and that mindset still was probably the biggest cause of my fall.

We have your back!! Doing great!!

On a practical level it's been a few hours and I am trying to keep my spirits up but on the inside I am starting to get feelings of depression/guilt. Is their anything I can do to mitigate this to keep my Yetzer hara from using it as a tool to push me to sin again? 

notezy wrote on 20 May 2024 16:50:

Please don’t feel down. If we never failed then we could never accomplish. Who is more impressive, someone who gets up once or the one who gets up after falling 100 times? Every time you choose to keep fighting and not give in creates a you that is higher than every you before. This new you is stronger, and the old you’s past does not have jurisdiction in the new you’s future. Every time is the last time for as many times as it takes. You have proven that your yearning is to battle and defeat this yetzer hara and not to give in – so you have absolutely nothing to feel negative about. This is part of your journey. Now you take the next step in the same direction you were going before. It’s not all or nothing. You had 8 precious days, many precious days before that, and many many more to follow. Those didn’t go anywhere. The rest of today will be even more precious when you turn it around and make it your new first last day.

Alright start of day 1.
"This is the first day of the rest of your life!"

I think it's been 118 days since I started this challenge.

Finished chapter 25 of TBOTG I haven't read it in a while the ending of the chapter was talking about celebrating each victory and mentally emotionally physically if we do this it will give us strength to push forward... 

In Jerusalem today davning at the kotel for eveyone.

Day 2 Start

Updated my Lock settings patched the hole in the fence I talked about in my last fall.

A little apathetic today been trying to figure out why... I went to the gym and yehsivha.. getting those feelings you grt in the beginning after a fall of "u had a taste of tivah and you want more" not sure what to do with them pushing it away and pretending it's not there might leave it dwelling in the subconscious... bringing it up to face it doesn't help because then your focusing on thinking about the things you shouldn't be thinking about so I am settling for discussing and writing about it here and then moving on.

notezy wrote on 22 May 2024 12:27:

You know what you do? You find that roaring lion deep inside of you that wants to scream and you let it out! 
Scream
"I DONT WANT ANY OF THIS ANYMORE"
I WANT TO STAY CLEAN, FOCUSED, HOLY, PURE
I DO NOT NEED TO ACT ON MY LUST, I CAN MOVE ON
ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!
Stop being so nice and gentle and waiting to feel free. Fight you way thru a desire! Now you are free.

Ending day 2

Mid day 3.

Finishing day 3 I am on my way back to where I was. I am proud of myself.

This helped me a ton thank u