notezy wrote on 16 May 2024 10:24:

I feel bad man and I didn't even do anything wrong. Things are going well yet I still feel these urges holding me down. I don't want this battle anymore I just want peace. I feel like I am asking for to much because I haven't found it yet. I talk a good game but still fall apart easily like this. I talk about stress and anxiety like an anxsty teenager yet I am in my early 20s (that's harsh I know).Just got out of a sh*tty job i have been stuck in for a few years yet still dont feel better.A few things don't go the way I expected and I feel incompetent and like I am wasting my time. (Redacted for privacy, redacted for privacy, still having urges after getting off spotify and youtube.)Like i am lost going nowhere and other forms of self pity. I feel like a terrible person probably the YH just trying to make me feel guilty to lower my guard and give in..Thats probably what it is: an attempt to sacrifice my self worth on the alter to selfish desire. 
I have been here before.

Alright the urges passed. I am going to take a walk in the park to double down but I thought I would note that I havent had urges pass without acting on them or eventually acting on them in a while.
it's a case of missing the forest for the trees. Whenever I get these strong urges my mind goes into panic mode thinking these urges won't go away like even if they pass it will only be from distracting myself and then they will come back.  I haven't had it naturally go away in a long time.
I think if I get a chance to get passed it like I did today I won't feel so fight of flighty when they come in the future.

I feel for you, your angst and strain are palpable. 

You seem lost deep inside your brain, both with thoughts and emotional turmoil (yup, something I'm pretty familiar with)

Have you ever picked up a phone and spoken to someone? How about a shmooze with Eerie, who is chicken soup for the soul? There are others here too, who would be glad to hear you vent....Try it!

Yah I talk with eerie and hhm every once in a while 

notezy wrote on 16 May 2024 13:29:

Great!! Find people who have ears to chew off, even more than once in a while, it will do you a world of good. 

Day 6. 
keeping busy watching nephews.
I think i will be cruising into shabbos on a good note.

Shavuah tov. Mostly uneventful shabbos.
anyways end of day ish 
Day 7.

Today is 7 day which is one week of counting the success. 
And 1 week free of youtube and spotify...

Day 8. Start

I see my mind toy with the idea giving in every once in a while tempting me.
Any advice other than to ignore it?

Mid day it's been a bit harder today."Depression is the result of unmet expectations."and the transition (job and learning) feels like it isn't working out as i expected and i am sacrifcing more then i signed on for.
depression and anger can lead to urges when blinded by emotion the Yetzer hara has an opening.
I also got pretty annoyed with somthing else this morning for not working...
anyways thats were the urges are coming from. Or so I think. 

notezy wrote on 19 May 2024 03:23:

You are doing great! Do you have a personal mission statement or core motivating source? Perhaps try calling it forth in your mind to immediately interrupt these thoughts before they fully develop. Something short that reminds you of your resolve and gives you a positive boost. I made a serious commitment to grow and I'm keeping it. I know G-d is proud of every aspect of my monumental efforts. I believe in myself and these thoughts are not welcome. Thank you Hashem for helping me do the right thing. Smile, sing, and dance for you in this moment are at the highest levels of serving Hashem - a gadol among men.

Yasher Koach!

How do I get to a point where I don't feel like I am suffering for doing the right thing.
this sucks.

notezy wrote on 19 May 2024 13:15:

I think the answer to that lies in emunah. Not the easy kind, the really really hard kind. Hashem does not make anyone suffer to cause them pain. Hashem does send us these challenges because they are exactly what we need to reach our potential. When we focus on what we need to do now and trust that the results are up to Hashem, this is where the perspective shifts. We aren't ignoring the feelings, they are there and true. We are viewing the difficulty as benefit and embrace that the pain is that of growth, not breaking. A bodybuilder embraces the suck, and even yearns for it. That is the assurance that he is getting stronger. The struggle is a necessary step to reach his goal, so he does not quit. 

We are all here for the struggle. We motivate each other and grow together. Hashem placed this weight on our shoulders because he entrusted us with a most sacred mission. We and only we can lift this weight and throw it off to bring kedusha to the world, and we will do it together.

Start of day 9.

Still struggling with wanting to go back on youtube.
it's only been a week and it feels like its been a month

notezy wrote on 20 May 2024 11:06:

BEZH soon, it will be a month and feel like a week .
Keep on trucking, friend . 
YOU CAN DO IT!!!