Hello wonderful people,

I'm back. I mentioned in another post that I would start posting at least weekly and I figured this is the best category to do it under. 
BH I'm doing well. The past week was good. I faced a similar nisayon this past shabbat that I did previously and bH I think I dealt with it well. I've been keeping myself busy with good things lately and I'm really noticing how that's making a difference. I get home tired or I have things to do and I don't crave P&M as much. Idk how I'll make sure to have something similar when I move onto a different schedule but I'll take care of it when I get there. 

This is where my question comes in. I'm a bit scared. Because honestly, I haven't had so many urges lately, and they definitely haven't been so strong. I can't tell if it's because I've been doing something better or if I'm just having a lull. I do think it's good to be on edge though. Even though the past weeks have been relatively quiet, I'm still on guard. So my question is as follows: How do I know when I'm doing something that helps and therefore I should note it down to continue doing, and how can I tell when it's just a lull?

Goodnight, be safe everyone

Thank Hashem for the easy days, and ask Him for help when and if a trigger strikes.

So a trigger hit. And I did not ask Hashem for help as Hashem Help Me suggested. I find that when I get a strong urge my mind sorta goes blank. And a lot of the time, I even intellectually know to do x, y or z, but emotionally I have no desire. I want to tell Hashem and His "rules" to stop bothering me. And the stronger the urge, the stronger I don't want to listen. Sometimes I succeed in ignoring that and sometimes I don't. But the emotional reality is such a strong pull. Even right now just talking about it I feel the emotional pull.

And the day after was especially hard. I know that the point of this is not the streak, but it definitely helps motivate me and honestly, it gives me self-confidence. And when I don't have that, the pull back to p&m is that much stronger. BH today, even one day later, the urge isn't as strong.

Returning to the first point, it clouds my judgement. And I can feel the effects right now. It's clouding my judgment and it makes me doubt the bad effects of p&m. And so I want to do it. I'm going to try a safe landing audio recording now, we'll see how that goes.

I think your describing something that many of us feel - when a desire hits, we want the P and M, and even though we have many good reasons why we should not want it, those reasons don't actually make us not want it. We still want it even though we shouldn't.

Something that has helped me tons in this specific point is the mindset and attitude that is described in the battle of the generation. The mindset he talks about there is how when a desire hits, there's something that we want that will make us feel good. P and M will make us feel quite good and we therefore go for that. There is something else that can be done that will not only make us feel good, but will make us feel even better than the P and M can make us feel. This is none other than not doing going for the P and M. If and when a person can understand the accomplishment of not acting out (which is a central theme of the entire book) he will actually feel better - make that way way better by not acting out than by acting out. The good feeling you get from P and M is physical and lasts for almost no time at all, the good feeling you can get by overcoming desire is a deep feeling of fulfillment and accomplishment. You just did something unbelievable and amazing. This feeling lasts for a lot longer than the good feeling of P and M. This is a mindset that has to be learned - check out that book if you'd like - but once and if you can pick it up, it might very well change your life.

Personally since learning this mindset and really working on it, when a strong urge comes, instead of feeling like it's me desperately wanting the urge against the intellectual reasons to not act out, I'm able (with a bit of thinking) to say to myself hey I now have an opportunity to feel accomplished and fulfilled. I no longer feel it as a strong fight between my desire and my intellect rather I can turn the urge into an opportunity to grow and feel happy with myself.

All the best

freedom11 wrote on 16 Nov 2023 14:00:

Yeah, the hard times are hard. I'm feeling your pain.
You wrote, " I did not ask Hashem for help as Hashem Help Me suggested. I find that when I get a strong urge my mind sorta goes blank."
I think we can all relate to that. One thing I've found helpful for this specific problem is to use the more highly motivated times to get into the habit of preparing a response to the bad times.
For example, I've been using the posuk of אֵ֗שׁ תָּמִ֛יד תּוּקַ֥ד עַל־הַמִּזְבֵּ֖חַ לֹ֥א תִכְבֶּֽה׃ (which is supposed to be a segula for clearing the mind from hirhurim) as a urge surfing meditation, just saying the posuk slowly a couple times when I see something triggering. I've tried to do that before but was never able to remember to say it in the moment. So I started saying it every night a couple times to ingrain it as a more habitual response; now it comes to mind more readily in the heat of the moment.
This is probably not helpful in the very short term, but if you want to get into the habit of davening for help as HHM suggested, or get in the habit of viewing self-control as a greater pleasure as Iwannalivereal suggested, practicing during the good times will make the response more of a habit which will make it easier to activate that habit during the bad times.