Checking in. Very tired today so need to be on extra guard. Trying to just not think to much about this and stay busy. 

Fell. I feel like I didn't even try to fight it, but I don't think that's fair. I tried. But not hard enough.

chooseurname wrote on 05 Mar 2024 18:13:

I know those, been there done that. Try to identify what happened leading up to the fall, so you can see it coming earlier next time. 

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail” - Benjamin Franklin 

chooseurname wrote on 05 Mar 2024 18:13:

Ouch! I'm so sorry. That hurts.

Keep Rollin'

Keep plowing!

Look forward,

Never look back,

Focus on the good,

Regarding trying - i dont have a scale me, i also dont know how hard you tried - which im sure you did try hard. My friend, this fall doesnt refine you. Move on and RUN!

Aight. Yesterday was bad. Very bad. I was exhausted, cranky, stressed, and bored. A lethal combination.
That's not an excuse, just a recognition that I need to be more on guard during those times. 
New course correction. What was working was only using my work computer for work. My home situation is much safer these days. (Not safe, because nowhere is "safe", but safer). If I need to browse I can do it at home. So I'm re-accepting that. Bli neder from now till Purim, no browsing at work. Only work stuff, true emergencies, and 5 minutes on a kosher news site. [Ideally I'd leave out those last two, but I feel like that's tofasto meruba. Hopefully not leaving in a loophole[. 

Agav, I did some math. I'm paid hourly and I obviously can't count time at work I'm busy watching porn. On days when I "fall" this little habit costs me probably close to $100. Literally insane

[quote="chooseurname" post=409617 date=1709735128 catid=4]Aight. Yesterday was bad. Very bad. I was exhausted, cranky, stressed, and bored. A lethal combination.
That's not an excuse, just a recognition that I need to be more on guard during those times. 
New course correction. What was working was only using my work computer for work. My home situation is much safer these days. (Not safe, because nowhere is "safe", but safer). If I need to browse I can do it at home. So I'm re-accepting that. Bli neder from now till Purim, no browsing at work. Only work stuff, true emergencies, and 5 minutes on a kosher news site. [Ideally I'd leave out those last two, but I feel like that's tofasto meruba. Hopefully not leaving in a loophole[. 

Agav, I did some math. I'm paid hourly and I obviously can't count time at work I'm busy watching porn. On days when I "fall" this little habit costs me probably close to $100. Literally insane[/quote]
So far this is working pretty well. 

Great weekend b"h. Had to suffer through the world's longest simcha seudah but was just painful not triggering



Hoping to start this week off strong.

I had an intersting thought/feeling this morning during hallel and I'm going to incoherently vomit it onto this page. Wish I had time to write it out properly.

During min hametzer I read it like this: "min hametzer" I'm locked in to this problem with no way out, "anuni b'merchav" Hashem showed me I'm standing in open space. But even after that, "kol goyim svivune" I'm surrounded by problems "bashem Hashem". Even if calling bshem hashem doesn't help and I'm literally on fire with the yetzer hora "bshem hashem!". And still I'm falling, but still "bshem Hashem ki amilam". 

And after that, when we keep on trying and keep on calling out to Hashem even though it seems like it's never getting easier "yimim hashem" "lo amus" etc. Hashem will eventually save us. And when he does, "pishu li sharei tzedek" I'll walk through the gates of righteousness. And when I said that, it hit me very strongly that even though I'm struggling still one day I can walk through the gates of olam haba with my head held high.  Even more than that, I felt like I was calling for them to open the sharei tzedek for me now. Yes, I'm struggling. But inevitably Hashem will get me through this as long as I keep on calling out to him. And it's only a matter of time

chooseurname wrote on 11 Mar 2024 13:43:

That's a beautiful reflection/interpretation. I love that you put yourself into the words.

chooseurname wrote on 11 Mar 2024 13:43:

Beautiful! I love it! Gives me chizuk! (Happens to also not be incoherent...and save the vomit for the YH...)

This is really meaningful. thank you so much for sharing it, I wish I had seen this before davening hallel myself as it would have added so much to my teffilos. Thank you

Yesterday was okay overall. No falls, but I'm disappointed. I'm not using my work computer for non-work stuff, which is a very important geder for me. But I was moreh heter yesterday for one specific time-wasting site yesterday (there's this one serial novel that I'm hooked on. I'm also trying not to engage in entertainment now, but I'm mamash hooked on this. It's such a terrible waste of time). I decided it was after I was done work so it shouldn't be included in my geder. But aderaba that's the most dangerous time. It didn't go any further - but it's such a terrible slippery slope.
Any eitzos how to recover/make sure it doesn't happen again?
(I considered just being mattir this one site for myself, but I think that's a bad idea. It's a very slipper slope. I also considered unblocking the site on my home computer, which is a safer machine, and that way not using my work computer, but it's such a time waste I hate allowing it (also, the site has inappropriate content on other pages and Techloq won't want to allow it). It's just such a fight for this one site. And what's happened before is I gave in for this one site and then the YH pulled the whole world through the crack.)

מן המצר קראתי י-ה.
From the depths of my addiction I call to you Hashem. I see no way out. I've tried so hard and I just can't stop.
ענני במרחב י-ה
Hashem answered me and showed me I'm not stuck. There are tools, tricks, and plans I can use. There's a way out of this mess and a light at the end of the tunnel. 
ה לי לא אירא. מה יעשה לי אדם
Yetzer hara thinks he's got me, but I'm not scared. Hashem is going to help me and I'll never fall again.
 ה לי בעוזרי. ואני אראה בשנאי
Hashem is going to help me, and I will be victorious over the yetzer hara, over the porn that's shackled me down. I will see their defeat!
: טוב לחסות בה'. מבטח באדם טוב לחסות בה'. מבטח בנדיבים:
(this line I associate with other matters, namely parnasa. But it can be applied to this line of thinking too)
כל גוים סבבוני. בשם ה כי אמילם:
All my plans aren't working. My hard learnt techniques are failing. Hashem! help me and I will win this.
סבוני גם סבבוני. בשם ה כי אמילם
It's not getting any easier. Why isn't it getting easier?? Hashem it's  so hard. Please. help me. I will win this with your help! 
סבוני כדבורים. דעכו כאש קוצים. בשם ה כי אמילם:
Hashem I'm burning with desire! I feel it in my bones, more real to me than anything else. It's tearing at me - I can't sleep I can't relax I can't distract myself I can't do anything please please hashem help me. why won't it stop
דחה דחיתני לנפל
  -I can't. I'm going to fall -

this is where I'm holding now.

Now we turn to the future that will come and speak in the prophetic tense - recognizing the inevitable future..
. וה' עזרני:
Hashem saved me.
עזי וזמרת י-ה. ויהי לי לישועה:
Now life is beautiful. Now I sit, with peace and sing the songs of redemption.
קול רנה וישועה באהלי צדיקים. ימין ה עשה חיל: ימין ה רוממה. ימין ה עשה חיל:
In my house the sounds of artificial pleasure are not heard anymore. Now is the sound of redemption and rejoicing. Hashem lifts me up. And up. And up. over all my problems and enemies.
 לא אמות כי אחיה. ואספר מעשי י-ה
I have a life now 
 יסור יסרני י-ה. ולמות לא נתנני:
It's so tough. It hurts so much. I'm losing so many battles, but I will never lose the war
פתחו לי שערי צדק.
Now! Open up you gates of righteousness. Open up gates of gan eden. Stand to the side tzadakim and righteous people and make way for me, I'm coming through with my head held high. I belong here and I am worthy!y
אבא בם אודה י-ה:
I will come through to praise hashem for saving me from this tzar.
זה השער לה'. צדיקים יבאו בו:
This is the gate of hashem. Only the righteous may come through it. And I am walking through it soon.

chooseurname wrote on 12 Mar 2024 13:38:

What would you be doing if not engaging in entertainment? What is the alternative? If realistically you will spend your time with the alternative, then avoid the time waster. However, if you won't, then what will you do? Won't you just continue to give yourself permission to use your work computer?

I feel like I am reading my own story in some of your posts. To be honest, even if it may be considered an unpopular opinion, the way I got to long streaks in the past was because I unlocked more entertainment on my personal filtered machine. I no longer had an excuse to use my wife's unfiltered machine. Before that, I only had access to email and my bank account information. Something like that. I didn't want to have the distractions and the time wasters. But at 10:00 at night when I felt like I needed to wind down before going to sleep, I didn't take out my gemara, I took out my wife's computer. Started with some entertainment and then the downfall...

I don't watch TV and movies all day. I have chavrusas that establish that accountability to get out of the house and go learn and I have some good hobbies. But if I find myself itching to do something familiar. An old habit of just sitting there and watching or reading something, I'd rather do it on a safe machine.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 12 Mar 2024 17:30:

I hear that. But I'd really rather not allow entertainment at all. a) Most entertainment sites have something on there that'll be triggering. b) I can waste truly disturbing amounts of time, c) blocking entertainment at home yields more learning for me. But for sure if my options are between entertainment on a safe machine and on a not safe machine I'd go with the safe machine. But I don't want those to be my only options.
You definitely gave me something to think about here. 
I think my question is more like, "what to do while I'm bored at work and want to procrastinate without watching porn"? (obviously the answer is work. But sometimes that just doesn't go).

Back to day one. I think if I was like a farmer or something I would have waaaaay less issues with this. Just beating up dirt in the field all day, no internet no computers. All there is to look at is grapes and dirt. Halevey. Anyone want to quit and open a winery with me?