Checking in just to share a W from last night.

My wife went to party and left me babysitting for hours at night. That situation is somewhat dangerous for me. Forget about porn for a minute. When I don't have my normal structure and schedule, I often sit down to "learn - but just check the news first" and boom at best the whole evening is wasted on nothing.

Last night I planned ahead, put my devices away (once I finished weighing in on the GYE machlokes hayom), and did my regular night seder from home. Wasn't the most productive seder, but infinitely better than sitting and killing time online.

Felt good. I probably wouldn'tve fallen with porn last night. My tailspin from last week has been b"h straightening out slowly. But I for sure would've killed the whole evening on narishkeit, and I'm happy that didn't happen. I'm also happy I stayed far away from a situation that could have become a struggle very quickly. #TYHAGYE

chosemyshem wrote on 23 Dec 2024 13:51:

Hero! 
Here's a hug.
And another on..... 
Actually the other one will wait until tonight 

redfaced wrote on 23 Dec 2024 14:03:

Now that's what I call cheating. 

Is Igor involved?

Muttel wrote on 23 Dec 2024 14:13:

I sure hope not!  

Muttel wrote on 23 Dec 2024 14:13:

Hey, Who invited you?!?!

redfaced wrote on 23 Dec 2024 14:03:

Turns out the "another hug" was considerably better than the first. 

redfaced wrote on 24 Dec 2024 03:20:

Happy to confirm. Also, happy to share the attached selfie I took with Redfaced.

Checking in.

Unfortunately, things were not great. It's been very slow and murderously boring at work, especially with the holiday season. I get trapped in this weird headspace where I don't want to work but also can't admit to myself that no work is gonna happen so I just sit by the computer and procrastinate. And then I get pissed at myself because I didn't do any work so I veiter escape from that uncomfortable feeling with the internet. 

Didn't help that I was "working" from home some of the week which is basically just me shouting at my kids to be quiet. Whatever.

This is a long winded way of saying I had a fall yesterday. Built up slowly from like Tuesday. Lotta things I could've/should've done to avoid it. The good news is I don't feel a heavy draw to the follow up fall like last time. 

Just to share a hargasha. Kinda related to the thoughts Yiftach and TD shared about mizmor shir chanukas habayis.

I came home late yesterday for menorah lighting. I was coming straight after finishing my fall and felt like garbage, as one does. Somehow got through menorah lighting and the rest of the night. Got unnecessarily mad at my wife, etc. etc. Pretty lousy night. One thing kept me somewhat together and the thought crystalized during Hallel today.

Had a thought during Hallel though. We say:

. צָרָה וְיָגוֹן אֶמְצָא: וּבְשֵׁם יְהֹוָה אֶקְרָא. אָנָּה יְהֹוָה מַלְּטָה נַפְשִׁי: חַנּוּן יְהֹוָה וְצַדִּיק. וֵאלֹהֵינוּ מְרַחֵם: שֹׁמֵר פְּתָאיִם יְהֹוָה. דַּלּוֹתִי וְלִי יְהוֹשִׁיעַ: שׁוּבִי נַפְשִׁי לִמְנוּחָיְכִי. כִּי יְהֹוָה גָּמַל עָלָיְכִי

Correct me if my dikduk is wrong, but I think the description of the danger and the tefillah is in the present sense but the salvation is in the past tense. This is relatively common in tanach - the prophetic past tense. Hashem's salvation is so certain that we can speak of it as if it already happened even while we are still enmeshed in the struggle.

And so I was thinking. If you told me that I'll remain struggling my whole life I'd give up right now. I'm not down for that. The only thing that keeps me getting back up is my certainty that one day Hashem will shlep me out of this. But I don't relax and enjoy that salvation - I feel low and hopeless. But maybe instead I can calm down and be thankful and appreciative to Hashem for the coming salvation.

chosemyshem wrote on 27 Dec 2024 16:29:

Was thinking about this point a little more and I'm gonna throw some of those thoughts up here on this page.

I think this thought grew out of grappling with this excellent post/question from R' Jolly. And while the simple answer to that question may be to take things one day at a time and don't worry about the future, that is quite easier said than done. And so I think the only functional way I've found to deal with that feeling is more or less to try to have bitachon about it. (What a radical solution )

And I think I've posted before that I haskafically believe it's possible for someone to be doomed to struggle in the mud their whole life. Meaning that they are placed in a level or situation that it's not possible for them to get clean. And I still theoretically believe that. I just think I'm not that person.

Why am I confident that Hashem will get me out of this? I think I largely addressed that in this post.

A large part of coming to believe that Hashem will get me clean was coming to believe it's at all possible to get clean. This took some time to sink in. In that regard, speaking and connecting to people who I could really relate to, and seeing that they takah aren't different than me but they managed to get clean, was very helpful. I'm not egotistical enough to believe that davka I'm the one who is so broken that I cannot be fixed. (Doesn't mean I won't need to use heavy duty tools along the way. But it means that I've seen solutions for problems equivalent to mine can be fixed. It remains to be seen when I will be willing to put in the work to do my portion.)

I think sometimes we do this thing where we say, "Oh you got clean? That must mean your problem isn't as bad as mine." And we use other's successes as a proof that we are worse, instead of as a proof that we too can be helped.

I think there's more to be said about this topic.

Seeing the way you are handling falling and using your sechel to find your way back out is a limud for me, thank you

chosemyshem wrote on 29 Dec 2024 19:49:

R" Shem!
Your perception and self awareness is really off the charts!
I need to really think about what you posted before I can even attempt to respond.
Here is what I can say: With such a great awareness of where you are  and what you are up against in your personal journey is a major tool in this battle of the generation. (It is no wonder people reach out to you for advice etc.) I am very confident that you will beat this be"h! You are amazing!

chosemyshem wrote on 24 Dec 2024 15:54:


Please do share. 
I would like to know if the rumors about red are true. Is he really as red as everyone claims him to be. Or maybe he's just a light shade of orange and goes around calling himself a redhead! 

odyossefchai wrote on 30 Dec 2024 16:29:

I don't want to dox him. But let me just say I was sadly disappointed. I was expecting Hans Langseth, but in a candy cane red. Had my hopes up way too high

Shalom Brother Shem,
While this was a great grouch, I think it (also) belongs on your thread. We need to find you at least one healthy activity What say you?