In the first situation you were able to avoid seeing anything at all

In the second situation You were uncomfortable because you saw some thing that you know you don’t want to see.

It would be helpful to celebrate the second situation as a win as well.

I agree with Vekham.

Also:

The first one was internal and probably developed.

The second was external and popped up in an instant.

KOMT

Perhaps, In the second instance, you came abruptly in direct contact with the fact that exposure is unavoidable, and a part of you wanted to welcome it. That’s an uncomfortable feeling, especially coming off the high of the purity of the first experience. 

As Vehkam said, celebrate both. 

I am touched and gratified that you appreciate (and added to!) the point I was making about the Turkey-Slug King and his Malchus. 

Keep going! 

we are, 
Looking towards Chayim

My thought process:

in the second there was a real person that you were tempted to objectify. That might be a belittling feeling.

Do celebrate both, and keep turkey slug king trucking!!

chosemyshem wrote on 11 Aug 2024 17:52:

Ahh...the beauty of true progress! (Sorry, can't help it...)
My friend, this coming Shabbos please celebrate this progress appropriately.I am very happy for you!
KOMTKS!!!

Some thought provoking responses.

My initial thought was that in the first scenario I didn't actually need to restrict myself. I just did what was supposed to be doing then (getting ready for shabbos) instead of going to do something different.

In the second scenario I had to change what I was doing. I couldn't just keep walking, I had to restrict my field of vision - and that felt uncomfortable.

But alot of truth to the points y'all made. By the way, I did celebrate both scenarios as wins. But only the first one left me instinctively feeling that purity.

I raised the wife-out-of-town binge on the Desparado's call yesterday, and there was some real, deep, truth in response. Unfortunately, I forgot most of it already. But I'll summarize some points I recall for anyone else in a similar situation:

1) The issue is not the wife going out of town, or the way I act when my wife goes out of town. That's just a slightly more severe manifestation/symptom of the issue. The issue is the way I live my life.
2) Preparing for something like that the way I did likely was anticipation.
3) Instead of, or rather in addition to, connection with chevra, it would have been more powerful to connect with my wife and share whatever I could about how I was feeling (obv. in the appropriate way). 
4) The main thing is, I gotta fix the way I live my life so I can continue to live that life even when there's a disruption in the normal set up or routine.

chosemyshem wrote on 12 Aug 2024 18:40:

Since when does not being invited bother me? Wha'ever
My friend, I am looking forward!

All right, here's some consolation to make up for all the Tisha B'av torah.

-----------------------------------------

As I sat drowsing on a cold hard floor, bent over a tome of tragedies far and near, my mind wandered. How long? For how long, O' G-d, must we wallow in our blood in the path? How long are we to be beaten and despised in these strange lands?

And my heart cried out, "Oh my G-d, where are you"??

And from the depths of my soul a voice arose and it cried a distant echo, "I am where I have always been. But where are you, my child?"

And I fell into a deepest black.

* * * * * * * 

I know not how long I lay there dreaming, but I was awakened by a gentle shake. Through bleary eyes I saw a kindly old Yemenite man, with a long white beard and wisest eyes I've ever seen. When he saw I was awake, he gestured me to follow.

We passed through a small grey door down an endless stone corridor. Walking on and on for timeless ages until at last we came to a room so vast I could not see any end. The room was filled with a pool of crystal waters, illuminated gently by a skylight in the vaulted roof. Wordlessly, he gestured for me to immerse. I melted into the still blue depths and was lost. Arising, I was born anew.

From somewhere the old man had produced a robe of the whitest linen. I held out my arms and he dressed me; wrapping a matching turban on my head he led me on. 

We came to the end of the corridor and he gestured me through a door. 

I entered a chamber roofed with stars. There was an endless commotion. People running, shouting, furiously working on an enormous building. In the crowd I saw many faces I knew, but they did not turn to me. They seemed engrossed in their labor.

Before me was a man with a face shining with love and fear. Sitting upon a small folding chair as if it it was a throne of finest gold he gestured to a pile of marble bricks beside him, each brick flickering like a flame. "Shem," he greeted me. "At last. We were waiting quite a while for you to get here. The bricks are almost done. Please," he says while lifting a brick, "Go place this on the wall". 

I take the brick but cannot move. "Go", he says, "The work is almost done." 

"Forgive me, my king," I stammer, and he squeezes my arm supportively. "Forgive me, but I cannot take this stone. These hands are filled with blood and with theft. These hands have been lifted in anger against another Jew. How can these hands place a stone on the Beis Hamikdash?"

I look down in shame, but the king smiles. "Listen."

I listen and I hear a whisper that roars like a lion

"מַ֣יִם רַבִּ֗ים לֹ֤א יֽוּכְלוּ֙ לְכַבּ֣וֹת אֶת־הָֽאַהֲבָ֔ה"

And the world filled with light.

* * * * * * 

I'm awake I'm awake. My head is pounding, the kids are screaming, and my wife is telling me something but I can't. They're calling me from work and i didn't finish the project and i didn't do it right and i can't. there's a heat building between my legs and i need to let it out i need a release i need to escape i need.

And the world is filled with light.

The world is filled with light.

Shem
Your posts and words are truly inspiring!!

Keep Flying!!

Hot Darn. I pushed the “Thank you” button like 19 times, but it only registered once. 

For 50 bucks I'll let you use mine. I was withholding it till now with that in mind

redfaced wrote on 15 Aug 2024 16:58:

Aderaba. Skip the thank you and send me the 50 bucks. Heck, I'll even give you the friends and family discount and cut it to $40.
I accept cash, gold, and bitcoin.

chaimoigen wrote on 05 Apr 2024 18:37:

Sheesh all this great stuff buried in this thread. I'm putting this little dialogue in my signature

Checking in.

Still clean for the past couple weeks. Been pretty smooth sailing for the most part. Friday was rough (for some reason Friday is the toughest day of the week for me. Probably feels like a lazy day, even though I technically have the same amount of work to do then as any other day.) Watched some very borderline videos, but not counting it as a fall.

My Rav was nudging me to install webchaver. I think it may be helpful (or it might drive me to unfiltered devices. I'm not sure). But I'm feeling a lot of resistance. The main issue is it'll almost certainly raise a red flag for my wife. But another issue I was surprised by was that it feels like a serious invasion of privacy - I just don't want my rabbi seeing the inane stuff I'm googling or whatever. A think a third issue was that I still have that unhelpful "I will fix this" attitude and webchaver is a whole nother level of someone babysitting me.

But clearly opening up to him is paying off, since he's still pushing.

Getting web chaver is still you. 

Does it have to be your Rabbi. What about someone here who you don't feel judged by?

It's there anything you could implement on Fridays, like a weekly shiur (dvar Torah for Shabbos), to give it a new flavor? 

Continued Hatzlacha