Dear Rabbi Shem, 

I admire your energy to write such deep and insightful posts over and over. Its amazing! Please stick around and keep trucking. 

I want to talk about your question regarding procrastination. 
I cant talk for everyone, I can only share my experience which is pretty extensive...............

Everyone has uncomfortable things in his life, some stuff that we dont want to deal with, its too hard, too boring, too painful, etc. 
However, most healthy adults will deal with it anyways because thats life, you deal with crap. 
Some people however, find it EXTREMLY hard to do that, either because of past trauma, or because of there brain chemistry, ADHD and so on. 
Those people will seek to escape those problematic things in life by whatever means necessary. Drinking, gambling, binge watching, porn, sex, everything that will numb that uncomfortable feeling for a bit, its easier to numb the pain then having to go thru surgery. 

Others, especially people with ADHD have a chronic lack of dopamine and norepinephrine neurotransmitters. That makes the body crave it more then the regular person. And once they try out one of the drugs mentioned above, the body gets used to it and now wants it even more. Thats why ADHD people are more prone to be addicts. 

Anyhow, i cant tell you whats going on in your brain, But one thing you must make clear to your self, When you say your ideal day would include porn and arousal, thats just your body craving its dopamine and norepinephrine! If you can get it from a healthy source, you wouldn't NEED the bad stuff!
Regular exercise is just as good a source of dopamine and norepinephrine as sex! Try it! So keep that in mind. 

Love
Chancy

Chancy deep and meaningful as always. Thank you for the insight. I thought about this for awhile. 

Where I think I disagree with you slightly is that you're saying there's a physical feeling that can help fill whatever void porn is trying to fill. Which may very well be true.

But without getting into whatever deep internal mechanisms are activating in my brain, I really like the sound of the solution offered in step 3. Instead of filling that void with substitutes, why not try to stop trying to fill it and turn the whole mess over to Hashem's care. Idk if I can pull it off, but there's thousands of people in 12 steps groups who've gotten somewhere powerful with it.

I'm not saying don't do things (like exercise) to help make the fight easier. You don't get points for taking the hard road. But trying to fill the void seems endless.

Trying to work this through.

.

You can’t control X (and presumably don’t want X to control you) – step 1

Hashem has the ability to help you with everything (which includes controlling X) – step 2

You relinquish everything to Hashem (including transferring that control of X to Him) – step 3

.

If you replace X (porn) with Y (exercise), not that that can’t work, but it doesn’t fit with the declaration that you can’t control X.

.

Seems it’s not just about giving Hashem your X addiction. The only time that X is explicitly mentioned is in the first step. You give Him everything, your whole life. That’s why its not filling a void, because space for my will no longer exists. All that you are is now bound to Him, and there is no room left for X.

.

So for this to work, you CAN’T just give over X and keep the rest. Hashem isn’t the closet where you toss in your mess and then proclaim your room clean. He’s your entirely new room that doesn’t require a closed closet because everything is as it should be. Lev tahor bara li Elokim.

.

This is intense. You are ceasing to be all of who you were until this day, and allowing yourself to be recreated anew by the only One who has that power. You give Him your absolute surrender, because you believe that He will not destroy your true and meaningful self, as He purifies your very being.

.

You let Him choose your Shem.

BenHashemBH wrote on 24 Jul 2024 21:13:

One thousand percent. Much more articulate than my post. Made a minor revision for clarity.

As Dov says, it's not that my lust is unmanageable, my life is unmanageable. Turn my life over to his care and start living my life the way he wants it to be.

As far as I can tell (from Dov's workshops and reading the big book but not actually doing the 12 step program) this is the whole kuntz of the 12 steps. This, together with honesty and connection (via meetings), and eventually service is the entire program. Honestly the nekudas hamachlokes between this and the BOTG is incredibly small (but very important). And that is just whether turning my life over to hashem is done through surrendering to him or through fighting to get to him.

And then today was back to four hours of work out of the workday. No surrendering my life to Hashem. Poor davening. Feeling lust and enjoying it.
Guess I can't expect things to go so fast, but this sure is tough.

Spent awhile doing some online shopping and definitely was slipping. But having the Techloq notifications go to a chaver really helped b"h.

Oh well. So it goes. Still sober. Win some battles lose the war or vice versa. Life sucks but at least at the end you get to die. Thank you Hashem for putting me in this situation and please give me the strength to carry out your will.*

*Nothing weirder than people who pray/daven/talk to Hashem out loud in public. It reeks of ga'aveh, it feels performative and insincere, and worst of all if it is sincere you're engaging in a profoundly intimate relationship in public (mi yitencha k'ach li). 

No one ever promised me that this process is easy, what they did say was, that it's worth it! 



Follow the leader: Fight! Fight! Fight! 



Thinkin' of you from afar! 

Ending another sober(ish) week. Feeling pretty good. 

Sunday my wife is heading out of town for the day. She doesn't do that often. Historically, every single time she's done that I've binged my brains out till she got back home. Something about knowing she's out of the city gives me a feeling that I've got the freedom to act out and I have to grab every second (a source for a din of ishto ba'ir?). The couple of times she was out of town overnight I literally binged till close to sunrise. Even during cleaner times, this specific matziv is a massive, unstoppable, overwhelming trigger (if that's the right word). 

I'm hoping I'm in a better place now. I have a schedule loosely planned in my head to stay busy (preferably out of the house and away from my computer). Imma try to reach out proactively. But I'm nervous. I've prepared properly for other similar times and folded like a cheap chair sat on by a fat man.

Posting for accountability, chizuk, and so y'all can please blow up my phone Sunday afternoon.

Spent well over an hour catching up on this Hall of Fame thread. 

Lots of thoughts and feelings, will try to catch you before Shabbos. 

The fact the you’re still in the game, with cogent, contemplative and honest striving is a genuine inspiration for me. And there’s a lot of genuine food for thought, not just thread-candy. 

Here’s a hand, that will be warmed (much-neededly) if you grab on. “Oooh, we’re halfway there…. Take my hand, we’ll make it, I swear hope…”

Gut Shabbos, Shem. 
Livin On A Prayer, 
Chaimoigen

chosemyshem wrote on 26 Jul 2024 17:13:

Oy, tears come to my eyes as I remember my wife leaving town for the afternoon, the conviction of steering clear of that one unfiltered device, then deciding I’d learn near it because it’s in a quiet area, and then checking to see if….. 3 hours later walking groggily away a couple of ounces lighter (v’hameivin yavin)…..

Shem, I’d love to be your partner in this holy endeavor, and staying pure together will serve as a measure of Teshuva for my binges with my Tzadeikes thinking she’s facilitating my 3 hour learning Seder….. I’ll reach out privately for times.

With tremendous emotion and love for you, brother,

Muttel

maybe go out for the day as well. maybe take on a big hike for the day. find a friend and go for it.

chosemyshem wrote on 26 Jul 2024 17:13:

Thanks to those who blew up my phone. Being pretty asocial, it's tough sometimes for me to reach out. I feel like maybe I'm being a burden, and don't know what to say. So it was a big chizuk to have people reach out and proactively be in touch. Thanks guys!

So much for the good news. The bad news is that as soon as my wife left I instantly sat down by the computer and went on a four hour (and two ounce) binge. Went on GYE for some "chizuk before seder" and went straight into a power fall. Idk what happened to all my preparation - maybe it was really anticipation. Masturbated for the first time in over two months.

The good news is that I then got up (had breakfast) and got some stuff done. Other similar situations I binged literally from when she left till she returned. So some small amount of progress.

Takeaways: I gotta learn how to reach out when I want to fall. The best laid plans don't mean anything if you ain't gonna follow them.

I was planning on writing a piece about tisha b'av today to stay out of trouble. Something about how it's the once a year we can face the harsh truths* about ourselves and what we've done to our lives and our relationship with Hashem. I have a memory of flipping through a holocaust book on tisha b'av looking for a topless picture of one of Mengele's victims. A perfect metaphor for how, on some levels, we have destroyed our tzelem elokim in exchange for lustful pleasure.

But I was too busy pleasuring myself to write it.



*Disclaimer for the overly positive among us. Harsh truths are neither more nor less true than sweet truths. They are harder to handle so we don't focus on them the rest of the year. But once a year it's appropriate to recognize that we're frum adults playing with our penises like children. That we are so far removed from the picture of what a Jew should be that it's an accomplishment for us if we can withhold from looking at porn for a little bit - while we have a Torah that demands seven constant mitzvos be on our mind and that Torah is learnt every free moment on a level of hasmadah that none of us have ever seen. That the Torah is sweet and lust is bitter and we live our lives literally the exact opposite of the way it should be. That just like the Jews during the time of the beis hamikdash bowed to the sun and displayed their rear to the beis hamikdash, we push our gemara out of the way to make room to masturbate. That our lust issues are overwhelming and that's only a tiny fraction of the issues with our avodas hashem. That all our mussar is lip service (just look at this fiery little post that I'm writing in between masturbating myself for four hours and fressing on a fancy dinner.) That the jewish nation as a whole is assimilating as fast as it possibly can, and even the frum are only a few steps behind. That most frum people have almost no personal relationship with Hashem. That our nation is not dying, it's dead and barely still twitching. And above all that, that Hashem longs to fix the situation and could in the blink of an eye, and we spend most of our time pushing him away from doing that. And worst of all, we're content with this status quo.

The searingly painful words you wrote in small letters ought to be titled “The Kinna Of Our Generation”. 

I don’t think I agree with every part of what you wrote, but you made me cry for the churban that continues today…

As for your story, Shem, I don’t have anything cogent to add to what you’ve already included in your post except sympathy and this: 

You, Shem, are a fighter, a dreamer, a climber. You have grit and truth. I respect you and I’m rooting for you. It was good talking to you, too. 

Here’s a warm hand, 
get up and keep going, for
Chaim

chaimoigen wrote on 29 Jul 2024 04:19:

Yeah I guess I squished everything I wanted to write about into that footnote.

Great schmoozing with you too. Thank you to R' CO and everyone else who reached out. I most likely would've spent the whole day binging if not for the people who reached out and kept on reaching out after I ignored their calls.

R' CO how do you do that cool thing where you end your post with your signature but it is also part of the sentence? 

With love and a lot of feeling
Shem

I love you Reb Shem, 
I think you misunderstood my post regarding exercise. I didnt say its meant to fill the void of lust. 
I meant to say that your brain will learn to want exercise. And not need lust to make it feel good. 
All the other posts about letting go completely, that is a such a high Madraige i cant fathom that yet. But its not all or nothing, i agree that you need to give yourself over to Hashem slowly more and more. 

That last "kinna" i agree only 50%. 
The other 50% where you are saying its so terrible its never been worse. we are dead (CV!) I 1000% disagree. The plan was always that we need to go deep underground before the end so we can find and lift up the holy sparks there. No other genaratoin was given this task, nobody trusted themselvs. Its too dangerous. But this is our task. 
I think you need to learn more Chasidus and/or Kaballa to understand things from a different perspective. 
Olem HaTikun vs Olem HaTohu

chancy wrote on 30 Jul 2024 17:34:

Chancy I love every word you write. Keep on keeping on!

Re: the dead generation. I would be scared to say something like that on my own. But Rav Shimshon Pincus says it in a schmooze based on the posuk in Ezra "vayamus Hadar". The Kavod/glory of the nation is dead (perhaps not the nation itself). But yeah, this is definitely above my pay grade and I stay far away from the holy sparks, kabbala, and/or chassidus.