chooseurname wrote on 10 May 2024 16:07:

But if I was good at sticking to my commitments I probably wouldn't need to be here to begin with.

Was thinking more about this. Another reason I thought I should take a break from posting is to "adorn myself before adorning others." I'm not sure if that's a valid reason. But the main reason was because every time I get a few days clean it turns into an ego thing, " I am doing this, I am winning the battle of the generation." And that's neither good nor helpful. Because I am also the idiot who got myself into this mess and have not been able to get myself out. And posting little bits of helpful advice and suggestions or whatever only feeds that ego. "Listen to me, I know what will help you." 
So it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut. But I'm trying...

Anyway. Rough week. A bunch of small falls. I haven't had consecutive falls like this in a couple months. Not sure what to do other than to keep on trucking. Been working on my flight plan and watching a bunch of F2F videos. Trying to internalize that even if I enjoy porn I don't like it. 

Some other thoughts that are coming up as I write.
I was looking at the Big Book. I think it's hard for me to believe Hashem would get me out of this. And I generally think of myself as someone with emunah and bitachon. Not just externally, I've made serious and fundamental parnassah decisions relying on Hashem. But now when I try to believe He can restore me to sanity and ask Him to remove my defects of character, I get stuck. Not because I don't think he's capable of doing so. But because he has not done so yet. Over the years I've shed countless genuine tears, and begged Hashem to fix me, to take away this taaveh, to help me fight. And while intellectually I believe those tefillos were accepted and had whatever affect He wanted, the taaveh didn't leave and so I feel like they didn't help. 
So I kinda am stuck. I believe Hashem could help me, but I feel like he does not choose to (for endlessly perfect reasons of course). And I'm not angry at Hashem for not helping me. But I also am having trouble believing that my higher power can restore me to sanity when he apparently does not want to.
So I am powerless. My Higher Power can help me, but may not choose to do so. Where does that leave me? Am I fundamentally not a ma'amin and what I thought was bitachon was just disguised laziness? (this is very possible). Am I a ma'amin but not enough? Should I just close my eyes to the past and believe that Hashem will swoop in and save me this time? idk

Feeling very low. Trying to recognize that's normal post fall and not let it pull me down further. 

On the other hand. Before this fall I was also feeling like I'm not making any progress. All this talk of progress and long term change. And I'm feeling like nothing is changing and all my GYE'ing is superficial. Basically just ultra kosher entertainment. Sitting and bs'ing about change without changing. Voyeuristically reading about other's pain and exhibitionally sharing my own.
But no change no growth nothing concrete no desire to change. Brief bouts of inspiration fading before porn lust. 

Today was supposed to be a good day. Had some motivation (know someone undergoing intense surgery today). Got through a rough weekend unscathed. Received some really good news this morning. And I sat down at my desk and went straight for the long, slow fall. fech. No reason, no excuse, no attempt at stopping.

chooseurname wrote on 20 May 2024 19:16:

I feel the depths of your despondency and despair! I am so sad to see you deleted your account, was that by mistake? And we don't even have an email or something to hold on to...

Please, if you ever feel up to it, "chooseurname" again, so that we can continue to hear your pearls of wisdom, and your words of longing to be pure. 

Those encouraging words of wisdom and hope were not fake, although it can sometimes feel that way. 

I, for one, will miss you.

So long, chaver....

I feel that despair a bit too today after the fall.
I might ask you said u had no reason for falling but maybe the good news took away your reason to fight and as soon as the guy got out of surgery u weren't fighting for anything any more I know it might sound to simple to be the case...

chooseurname wrote on 20 May 2024 19:16:

Wish we could talk… 
Auf Wiedersehn, friend. Fare thee well…

And thanks for caring, in your other post. Means something.

chooseurname wrote on 20 May 2024 19:16:



It hurts to see such a good guy leave, especially after such a roll coaster of a day. 

My friend, I hope you decide to join us again. We are here for you. No reason. No excuse. Simply because you're a fellow Jew who's fighting a battle he didn't pick. It doesn't really matter what you did a minute ago or what you will do in a minute from now. As R' Nachum Binder said so nicely in his recent video, not only did Hashem give us the tools to overcome the challenges thrown our way - but Hashem also trusts that we will overcome them, He believes in us. So you'll say, oh well I fell even after coming out unscratched from a tough weekend. Well for all you know, the challenge thrown at you wasn't about the fall itself it was how you will deal with yourself after you fall.

Dear brother, you are a good man who accomplished some really amazing things. Please accept my hug and join us on this ride.

Love ya,

chooseurname wrote on 25 Apr 2024 17:01:

Well okay deleting my account was maybe unnecessarily dramatic. 

Terrible multi-day fall. Felt hopeless like I haven't felt in a long time. Still don't feel like there's an end in sight. But that's okay.
Might never get out of this. That's okay too. I'm aiming high, but if god wants me to swim through the mud I'll do that to.
Never giving up on not giving up. Though I do feel like I gave up on hoping to be clean.

Que the (accapella) hype music! This is the part where our hero gets up, takes back his power, and puts a beatdown on the big bad YH.
Honestly, my heart is racing to see you return. Thank you!

gye365s wrote on 22 May 2024 15:08:

accapella hype music is an oxymoron.
And I wish a beatdown was coming


But I appreciate the kind words. 

chosemyshem wrote on 22 May 2024 14:50:

Chooseurname, did take a flighty,
Away he ran, in middle of the nighty,

What a guy! He was so great,
Did we all lament, at your unknown fate

Understand him well, oy! do I ...
All the times I feel like fried Mud Pie

If I were to delete “YKW”,
For every time I feel like stew poo (thank you for that edit idea, Bennyh, I can always count on you),

The Dark Lord, he’d just keep returning,
The desire deep within, burning,

Doggedly we forge on, through Dark and Thunder,
Chosemyshem he now is, what a wonder!

Excellent poem
To reply, well um
rhythm my jam is not
and rhymes are like snot

But I will say that I didn't just delete my account because I felt like stew. I was feeling very down on GYE, like posting and doing the program wasn't helping. And aderaba, was hurting.
But during the past couple days trainwreck I realized GYE isn't helping enough. But it's definitely helping a lot. So idk what to do but I don't think it's smart to stay away.

chosemyshem wrote on 22 May 2024 16:03:

Makes Bennyh's poo edit all the more profound, for that does indeed sound like a bad case of "poo", not "stew".

chosemyshem wrote on 22 May 2024 14:50:

Wow! You had me quite nervous there, and boy am I glad to see you back! 
I was honestly very sad to see you go just like that, and it has brightened my day to see you back!
KOS! 
If that's what you need!
(KEEP ON SLOGGING!!)

You got me scared with your disappearing act. Thank God you returned! Welcome, it's so good to have you back!!!

And yesterday continued my long, slow trip down the toilet. Was at work for about 8 hours; worked just over 2 hours. Probably an hour or so was spent on "neutral" browsing or surfing to warm me up to the fall. The rest of the time . . . 
I'm not at the point where I'm worried about losing my job. But I'm paid hourly and that's alot of cash I flushed down the toilet (very literally). And I am very worried about getting called out about not doing any work the past week...

Anyway. Had some time to sit and think last night (I was trying to avoid my wife out of fear she'd want intimacy and I was feeling way too low. Also recently heard a nice thought from Rabbi Tatz that when we are inwardly perturbed we instinctively try to make our outer world align to our inner world and we therefore self-destructively try to destroy the harmony around us. Was probably doing that last night.)
So I was sitting and thinking. Please excuse me as I regurgitate onto this page.

I dropped out of daf yomi around when this slide started. It was kinda not my fault - the shuir I was going to fell apart, there wasn't a good shuir at the same time conveniently available, and I tried to keep up on my own but it's hard to get up in the morning without that framework. I still am learning night seder, but sometimes that seems more like just showing up to keep to the schedule. That morning boost of Torah was probably very helpful. It also made me feel like I was accomplishing which is also helpful. Obviously not the sole factor here, but I think it'll be a help if I can restart that. Trying to recommit but it's difficult.

Other thoughts that I thunk. I feel less hopeless now. Objectively, I'm in worse place than I was a week or two ago. But now I feel more hope/calmness. I really would like to know what flipped that switch. What made me feel so down and what made me feel better?? I'm not very in tune with my feelings so this is tough.

Also. A big trigger for me is when I'm sitting at the computer faced with a task that is boring/unpleasant/lengthy/difficult. Unfortunately, this is most tasks. And it sucks. Especially because I have what is in a lot of ways a dream job in my field and there isn't a way to avoid being faced with unpleasant tasks in life. Something I gotta work on responding to better. 

Had some other thoughts but trying to work today lol