I think your making a good point. Your right that I can't always try to continuously create new "projects" or goals that will seem advanced and different from those I have already achieved, life does have certain central points which become the focal workshops. For right now I think that this will be helpful for me as it won't seem like I'm just trying to get farther in the same field but rather as if I am now playing in a different field. Maybe a better Mashal would have been when a child learns to play baseball, first you teach him the skills of catching a ball and throwing and hitting. Then once he has the basic grasp of those skills he can begin to play the game and practice different positions on the field. One can choose to tryout as a pitcher which would be honing the throwing skill in a very specified manner, or any of the other positions which build upon the basic skills once learned. But (unless a clear sign shows up) you are a different mentch working on different areas then the child first swinging a bat.
But once again you are right that there must be the underlying feeling that the end goal is to remain clean and that is a never ending goal.
Please comment if you can help clarify things for me. Thank you

Sorry I'm not yet adept at quoting others posts. That last comment was a response to Foolie's point on the new view after 90.

To continue with your pitching metaphor. First you teach a kid to throw a good fastball once he has a handle on the fastball you teach him to throw a curveball. Even after he begins learning to throw the curveball he still has to work on the fastball even if he is concentrating on learning how to throw that curveball. Hopefully that clarified things

Love it.

Hi everyone,
B"H still chugging along, pretty basic weekend, definitely easier to look away from things and it helps that the winter is starting to show itself slightly.
So the first "topic" that I am planning on focusing on along with continuing to stay clean is... Working on my marriage.
I realize that this probably won't be of interest or helpful for bochurim and if I had been starting a new thread right now I would do it on the Baal Habaatim forum, but I feel there is a major benefit for me to have this as one continuous thread. I will still be posting about my battle to stay clean as well as my journey through "working" on my marriage.
The reason I put it in quotes is basically because I have no idea what it actually refers to. It sounds vague like "working on a car", what exactly are you trying to accomplish and what are you doing to get to there.
So here are the few thoughts I had on the matter along with some thoughts shared by one of my Rabbeim:
1) Reb Aharon Feldman wrote a book on marriage in which he classifies three stages/levels of marriage 1) co-existence, 2)helping each other to a purpose one alone would not be able to achieve, and 3) Working together towards a common goal or purpose (I may have the 3rd on a bit off but I don't have the book anymore to check). I would assume that working on ones marriage would be to slowly elevate through those steps. First figure out how to live together peacefully (if that's not already the case), then assist each other to accomplishing goals, thirdly to live a life together with common purpose. I don't have a great understanding of these steps and therefore they are not really on my radar of what I am aiming for in the work that I am trying to do. (basically against classic messilas yesharim approach, but I that the following steps are also well grounded in daas torah as to follow them and hopefully they will lead to what Harav Feldman intended.)
2) There are different aspects of the relationship between husband and wife which would help them to reaching these stages and to having a harmonious marriage. The big one is... Love. However love is not something which can be so quickly attained, it takes years and years for the love to mature and grow, so if my goal would be to work on that love I doubt whether I would be able to see real tangible results in a timeframe which would be motivational. However Love also doesn't grow naturally if there impediments in the marriage, and there are things which help foster love. therefore it seems sensible to try to "work" on limiting the obstacles to love and try and create habits and an atmosphere that fosters love.
3) One of my Rabbeim shared with me that it is much much much easier to work on your marriage when both parties (husband and wife) are interested and invested. B"H my wife was very open to the idea and agreed to try to figure out how to work on it more. Sitting down we listed several areas which would help a relationship (love). Connectivity (an openness to sharing and communicating, as well as being interested and involved in each others lives), Relaxing together, Expressing our feelings of love for each other in a way which the other will feel it (basically talk to the other person in their love language).
4) It is not easy to overnight change how you act or speak. I know that there are several areas in which I need to act differently and it is very hard to change quickly, just like with the struggle with P and M this will take a lot of patience with myself and a lot of continuing to get back up.
5) My Rebbe also advised seeing a (recommended) marriage therapist, although a was a first adverse to this I think it is a wise move for myself, but I would not put it as a general suggestion.

IY"H the first thing I will be working on is more communication, again i feel like I have literally no idea what this means, but i'm gonna try. Also hoping to find some way to spend time relaxing together (which seems to be impossible).
If anyone has some advice, ideas or chizuk I'd be happy to hear.
Thanks!

I was just messaging my partner and was having a lot of hard feelings and realized I should probably post about this.
Today I was walking down the street and coming towards me was a very attractive young lady not dressed in the tznuah manner. L'maaseh it's still hard not to look, not as hard as it used to be, but it's still hard. I think the YH is getting to me "It's always going to be this hard, get ready for a miserable life." Reading through some of my posts I think I sounded like things usually are going great and the sun is shining and everyone is spitting rainbows, but L'maaseh it's really hard sometimes especially without person to person contact of others going through the struggle. I really admire the guys who do meet in person or chat on the phone, I'm not up to that yet (not sure why).
Anyways, I guess this is the pity call asking for some chizuk, but I guess that's where I am, still digging myself out of this deep and stinky hole. And i need the help of the brave warriors alongside and those who have reached the top to throw down a rope and help haul me up out of this quicksand.

To your first post and point number 5 it should be mandatory in my humble opinion. 

To your second post, it’s your journey do it at your pace, if you’re not up to talking to people on the phone, try talking to them over the chat, it’s a nice step somewhere in between not talking to people directly and calling them on their personal line

As they say it’s free advice so you know what it’s worth 

hopefulposek wrote on 06 Nov 2023 20:07:

First of all, take a movement or five to think how far you’ve come! You are complaining how hard it is to look away! That’s a far cry from actively acting out…… 
Yes it’s hard, some days easier and some harder, but I promise you once your train your brain that staring and looking intentionally is just not something that you are doing anymore, it will get easier.
like everything in life routine sets it and the groves in the brain deepen. The best thing is to focus on the reasons you are doing it and not on how hard it is. Think about your Neshama, your wife, your kids, Hashem. Whatever is driving you is what you should be thinking and some day you will realize that you are enjoining not looking…… it feels soooooo good to be holy! Nebech on that prutza that doesn’t realize what every man thinks when they see her, she would vomit on them had she known, nebech. But what’s it to me? Nothing! I’m a Tzaddik! 

good luck and keep shtiging 

HI,
So this morning I had a bit of a slip, not much but B"h enough to remind me that I'm not out of the woods. I was browsing amazon looking for a present for myself for the 90 day challenge and I saw something innapropriate, and though I have a skin filter for images it doesn't work on videos, I ended up clicking on the video for the product and watched it. It wasn't anything very inappropriate (which made it totally not worth it). 
I tried playing out in my head visualizing the next time it would happen and how I would react, by walking away from the computer for five minutes to relax. IY"H there is hope in the future!
Also another big step, I ordered a copy of the Battle of the Generation. Thanks to all those who suggested it on here!

hopefulposek wrote on 07 Nov 2023 19:40:

Lots of filters can also block embedded videos.
I know that I cant watch an amazon product video with Techloq

redfaced wrote on 07 Nov 2023 21:36:

How do you turn that on? I also have techloq and was able to watch the videos.

OK so right after my last post about how I visualized how I would respond to the YH if he tried to fight me again in amazon, I had a very innocent thought: "Hey maybe I am able to access very inappropriate videos on amazon if I search even more inappropriate things. That would be a huge problem and would need to be addressed immediately. I should probably try to find out, so that I know to fix it of course all L'shem Shomayim."
So for the next ten minutes I attempted to search inappropriate things and watch the videos. Needless to say there was very little L'shma action going on. BH my filter worked well enough to block the worst of it, but I still saw a lot of images that I hadn't seen in a long time.
I stopped to go to yeshiva and had a miserable afternoon, literally felt sick and couldn't concentrate at all. B"H I have an amazing chavrusah and we did end up learning a bit. After seder I started feeling better, started going through the positive thoughts and being present.
Does anyone have any advice for if this happens in the future: How do I escape the feeling of loneliness when I'm in seder and everyone around me is blissfully ignorant of the struggle that I'm going through and the storm raging in my mind. 

I was literally thinking about this during Seder today. Eagerly awaiting for answers with you.

hopefulposek wrote on 08 Nov 2023 00:44:

Its a filter  setting i have embedded videos blocked as a default
\

redfaced wrote on 08 Nov 2023 02:11:

Is it going to stop me from seeing the videos on GYE also? cause I sort of like those