Buddy, i have read a lot of emotional stories here, and have had grown men cry on my shoulder, but the gut-wrenching emotions experienced reading your story have no parallel. I wish i could go back in time and hug you as that so injured child and protect you.

I find it interesting that you shared the entire childhood/early teenage parsha with all the details, but only afterwards shared the pornography/masturbation details - as if they were two different stories, when in reality they were both happening at the same time to one person - you. So many of us did that in our childhood/teenage years - like a novel with two stories happening at the same time to two different people. It's as if an illusion - "someone else" was watching pornography and masturbating. I assume your therapist has been, or will b'ezras Hashem be able, to put it all together to help you accept your full history and heal.

Why a nice innocent kid like you had to experience the Hell on earth of emotional turmoil torment and dysfunction is beyond human understanding; it's miraculous that you didn't commit suicide. However, realize one thing. You are overcoming your challenges and seeming prophecy of doom and developing into a great hero. You will b'ezras Hashem be able to be a beacon of light and hope for so many suffering people out there. May Hashem shower you with brocha, menuchas hanefesh, and hisromemus!  HUG!!

Thank you for your love and support and hugs.

As I reread what I wrote last night I was struck by just how vague I put everything, and how I barely scratched the surface of the feelings and experiences I had. I think this will become a bigger project for me. 

only as I begin to examine it further do I realize just how much my childhood held. A quick but easy example of things just skimmed over but which had tremendous impact. I mentioned agav in a line that my brothers had a tough time. Two of my older brothers were kicked out of school by the third grade, one was developmentally and emotionally challenged (as is now in a very precarious state of mental health) and subsequently went to a school for challenged kids, my other brother ended up in public school. this set the stage for them to have many challenges including addictions of their own, and they are now both OTD. My eldest brother (not from the aforementioned) made it through school and beis medrash, but also went OTD later on.

This piece itself triggered many other emotions for both me and my parents and helped to set the stage for further issues in the home.

OK, probably going to need more time to do this properly, though I won't be posting it on GYE I don't think theres a true toeles, even though it was very helpful for me to post the basic overview and get some supporting comments and also to let others know who went through difficult times, there is life after hell, and feel free to reach out.

Im crying 

5678 wrote on 04 Feb 2025 01:59:

Oy :_(
Don't worry everything is going to be ok. and it already is :_)

I'm feeling so alone right now, it cuts so deep, a deep internal sense of loneliness.
I was feeling not understood and disconnected from my wife last night, then things just snowballed and felt worse and worse. Wasn't able to get through to the chevra this morning but then managed to call my sister this morning and talked about those feelings of loneliness and worthlessness for a while which she had also struggled with for years, although it never manifested as an addiction (as far as I know), and felt a bit better, but it didn't last long, talked to a friend in yeshiva for a few minutes, also felt better but it faded quickly. Now I'm home with my wife and kids and just hurting and scared inside but not able to talk about it or feel cared for and connected and just so alone.
Good shabbos

:sweat:did the wrong emoji before, actually I'm not even sure this is the right one, I'm looking for exhausted depressed sadness.

Ok I cant seem to figure them out, one more try 

Brother feel you your not alone there's a guy (not sure where you live ) who could be a thousand miles away from you or maybe your the house right next door   wtvr it is I'm writingthis to you to show I care about you and am a big follower of your thread so keep it up buddy   have a wonderful shabbos

BH after a few days of depression feeling better. starting the vaad now so will post more later iy"h.

Ok, here we go a bit of update, mixed with some introspection, sprinkled with helpful insights from the vaad and topped off with optimism for the future.
I was basically feeling lonely and depressed starting thursday through sunday night with a few sunny moments in the middle, when I went to learn shabbos afternoon and sunday night when I left seder early to go play pool and watch the superbowl. Then monday morning I woke up totally fine, got a nice chunk of journaling done and had an amazing day in yeshiva. This morning also feeling good, exercised, some intense journaling, and good morning seder. So B"H overall looking good
Now some introspection: I'm not even sure where to start. Why can't I handle feeling lonely and feeling hopeless and full of worthlessness and despair? They're just feelings! why do I shut down and want so badly to escape, and can't bear being around people feeling utterly disconnected? I don't know. At least not fully or confidently, but I have some guesses. I think the starting point is that as I grew up over time I was never ok with feeling uncomfortable emotions and painful feelings. Whether I shut them down internally or numbed the pain with porn and masturbation I never learnt to accept and live with pain. I don't think this is anything special, this is classic addict gone sober realizing he never got the coping skills of life because he would always use or drink to escape. Fine so I have to learn to be okay with myself and my emotions, okay throw in some therapy and journaling and mindfullness and we should be good to go. It won't be easy or quick, learning to cope with challenges is a large part of growing up and maturing, if I missed that essentially it should take me back 15-20 years and it should take the same amount of time or longer to learn it now. Okay fine things take time, I'm okay with that. But in order to be really okay with it I would need to make it into a project just like I made being okay with urges a project which B"H has been largely successful.
However, I think it's reasonable to assume that I have an extra sensitivity to feelings of loneliness and worthlessness based on my history (AKA: traumatic and difficult childhood). Just thinking and typing now, if someone was in a fire as a child and got severely burned and lost several family members, it would be understandable that after growing up they would be terrified of fire and go to extreme lengths to avoid it. so too since when I was young I had a lot of emotional pain related to loneliness and worthlessness as well as seeing my siblings driven OTD by that pain it would be understandable if I, even subconsciously, would go to extreme levels to avoid feeling those painful feelings. So when they come, as is normal, I flip out, those buried parts of me shut me down and demand escape, not interacting with anyone which would exacerbate the feelings, and for me to do anything not to feel anymore of that pain.
Ok nice theory, sounds pretty good. And this is basically what I learned in a few months of therapy. And also how to work on it so I can eventually not react in such an extreme manner.
I think both points are important and feed off each other, also I became extra sensitive to it because it probably reminds me on some subconscious level of the greater more painful emotions of my youth.
PY on the vaad pointed out that it's not about not feeling, but it's about being okay with your feelings. spot on buddy spot on! Although I do believe that I feel these things in an extreme way and lgabai that I need to work on not feeling it so much, in general life is life and theres gonna be hard feelings so got to learn to be OK
Bottom line: I'm going to go back to therapy to try and readdress it, or really just help keep me on track to continue addressing it. Also Iy"h I will be more conscious of it and try to feel my feelings. The plan right now is the next time I feel the blackness coming on I will leave to a quiet place for 20 minutes and take time to feel my feelings and accept them and be okay with how I feel, journal a bit too.

Thank you so much for shring your story, I really relate to your powerlessness. Thank you for sharing

Quick update:
Feeling good today. Had a bit of depression friday night, but it didn't last too long. I'm starting to learn more and come to understand more about myself and the steps I should take in order to get to a place I want to be emotionally. So now I'm trying to find good affordable therapy (I know its an oxymoron) and to not get stressed out while I do this. 
Earlier I was getting very stressed out because I didn't really have clarity in my situation and felt lost and alone and scared, B"H after talking to several people and taking a lot of time to myself to journal and do the exercises I was supposed to be doing I'm feeling a lot more calm. ODAAT is basically the name of the game, and first things first.
Just went a week with no movies or trailers which was historically a favorite escape of mine which leads nicely into lusting. I'm trying to break this habit, and am feeling optimistic about it.
Looking forward to hitting a year clean from P and M soon! (everyone I talk to is surprised why I'm so excited about purim this year more than others, if only they knew)
Also my G-voice got suspended and I haven't been able to figure out how to get it back, so for now I'm only available through email and PM

Hi just an Idea for more affordable therapy, if you are willingto do it over the phone/on zoom why don't you go to an english speaking therapist in Israel the sessions are longer (an hour instead of 45 min) and can be about a third of the price as American therapy.

I've been slipping and sliding a lot lately, went on a long run yesterday which was great but spent the whole time checking out all the women in the park. Today also found myself taking many drinks in the street. tried some of my old tried and true methods and they helped a bit, but I think the fight has gone out of me. It seems like it's time for renewed motivation and a clarity in what the struggle is, what is it costing me, what do I want to accomplish and what will bring me long term happiness.
An interesting thought I had today concerning some of the negative beliefs that come along with addiction: If someone doesn't understand my pain then they will not take care of me and support me. This is a strong belief I have and it morphs into more destructive ideas, such as: If they don't understand me they don't care about me, If they would know what I struggle with since they don't understand it they would think me strange and leave me. I can't trust you to give me the help and care that I need because you don't understand what I'm going through.
I used to think this was a bit strange, just because someone doesn't understand the pain I go through why does that mean they don't care for me and won't support me?
But today I had a nice mashul which helped me get clarity: If you go to a doctor and tell him your head hurts, and he thinks that you just have a headache, he will give you advil. But in reality you have a migraine caused by a tumor. So if the person you are turning to for help truly doesn't know what you mean when you are describing your pain, and they don't understand what is going on underneath the pain and the need to use, and they have no idea how to help even if they would understand, then it makes sense that they wouldn't be able to give you the care and support you need.
For me this is helpful to come to terms with going to SA and staying on the vaad. To get the support and care that I need as I go through troubled times and try to stay clean, I need people who understand the pain and struggle.
But it's also good to acknowledge that these beliefs are not %100 true, others can care and support me, although I may need additional support from "experienced members". And not everyone would abandon me if they knew the internal struggles I have, though I don't have much proof for this except for the fact that I've learnt about others' intense struggles and haven't abandoned them, so I hope the same is true of others.
A Freilichen Monday Everyone!