Bh the rest of yom tov went well, got more sleep and was able to regain equilibrium. Now getting back to the zman and hopeful. 

The beginning of the zman was a slow start, was very tarud and took a lot of time off of seder as well as lacked a bunch of sleep, I definitely felt the effects and had a few minor slips, letting my eyes wander a bit too much. But B"H things are starting to calm down and should be able to get back on the straight and narrow road.
I had a very nice win today, I had bought a few non jewish novels which I was very excited about, and read through one and had started the second (sequel). Though they were very enjoyable to read they also contained a fair amount of inappropriate parts. I didn't want to stop reading them becaus ethey filled the void of entertainment which I needed to relax. But a few days ago while reading I felt myself get aroused and noticed a battle of lust for the next couple days following that. 
I thought to myself, I will just finish the book and then be done and stop reading them. But today I realized that this could make things harder since I would essentially be taking the easy way out and also I wouldn't have had the moment of saying "no" which helps move to the next stage of thinking and feeling "I don't need this". So even though it is very hard for me to stop in the middle of quite a thrilling epic story, I put the book away. Then I realized this is the soton in the closet and will probably just be a nisayon in the future. So I threw it in the garbage. Then I got myself some ice cream and a beer (starting to stop my no drinking phase). The End. Battle won. The war continues.

I want to be part of a chevrah of guys who have "recovered" (because you can never fully recover, according to me anyway ) who keep in touch and are available for support when needed. B"H I am already in touch with a few guys from GYE and would love to get in touch with a few more.
Besides for this I also want to create a support group within my yeshiva, still trying to clarify the tzurah, but basically guys who have been through the struggle and recovered just being aware of each other and becoming friends and sharing strength and strategies so that in time of need there is someone to reach out to who is there and relatable. The biggest issue right now is letting eople know about it short of putting up posters on the bulletin board (which I don't think the hanhalah would approve of). So far I'm just letting the mashgichim be aware of it and hopefully they will tell the guys for whom it's nogeiah. Any thoughts please comment or PM. Thanks for reading and may hashem help us all.

Obviously, the solution is join a vaad

Please pm me about leading one. It's an amazing opportunity to give back, and also a great framework for a support group. I think you'd do an awesome job. 

wow that was a quick response
Whats this vaad thing? Can you PM me first, my tablet has a bit of an attitude and I can't start a pm or open links (like the one in your signature about the vaad program)
Thanks!

having a hard time these past few weeks, not totally sure whats behind it but I want to write down some things I've noticed and hopefully it will help.
1) I feel like I need a vacation away from the city, maybe fly to calorado or go upstate. Also combined with a desire for adrenaline inducing activities. In the past these thoughts/feelings came (at least partially) from feelings of stress and loneliness, the loneliness making the stress unmanageable.
2) I found myself checking out women in the street, not overly so but more than during my good periods.
3) I am upset at my wife. Bottom line, I have feelings of pent up anger and resentment towards her.
4) My sedarim in yeshiva are not going well compounding my stressed and depressed feelings.
5) I want to give up on my marriage. 
6) I need more connections to others who are committed to staying clean from porn and masturbation. I feel it would help me more if I had others in my yeshiva to connect to, that way I don't have to try and find time for a phone call or check my messages, I can just say hi and ask each other how we're doing. I literally crave this connection. But I feel like I have no simple way to find out who else is struggling and if they are also looking for a support partner.
I will now try to be positive and rely on Hashem to take care of me.
I was not put in this world simply to enjoy pleasure. I was put in this world with a mission from G-D to do His will. Part of His will is to continue to work on myself, Honesty and Humility, and pursue righteous action including learning of the Torah despite the obstacles that G-D in his kindness has place before me. G-D loves me as his child and cares greatly for my success and continued growth, that is why he has given me situations that may appear to be more difficult than others, they are tailored for my maximum growth becomes of the tremendous love He has for me. Part of the responsibilities that G-D has given me is caring for a beautiful woman called my wife, who has been through many challenges herself and is "crippled" in many ways, I have been charged with her care and assisting in her growth and service of G-D, she also acts as a messenger for G-D to me to assist me in my life both physically and spiritually. She sustains me and invests time, effort and energy into my life. I will continue to focus on my service of G-D and give over my life to Him, and rely on His assistance in persevering in my growth and service through all the challenges which he has chosen for me. May He continue to aid me as he has done my entire existence. Amen.

Pent up anger is never good.  Do you have any tools to deal with that?

vehkam wrote on 29 Nov 2024 14:17:

Not really, I exercise regularly, and journaling would probably help but I'm not consistent with it. No way to express or let it out in a healthy manner.

hopefulposek wrote on 01 Dec 2024 00:07:

I've found exercise to be very helpful with expressing anger. Maybe depends on what type of exercise you do. 
But at the end of the day,  you need to look into that anger, where is it coming from? Usually it comes from something or someone not meeting your expectations. The worst is if you dont meet  your OWN expectations. That really upsets you. 
You need to learn how to let go of all of that anger. Itll help you tremendously. 

thanks,not sure where the anger and tension is coming from (but I assume its from me being upset with my wife). I started to get back to daily journaling which seems to be helping. Also the begining of the zman my sederim weren't very strong (it's a mild way of saying i barely showed up), but I'm making a strong effort to get back to learning shtark.
gonna try to do some serious introspection over the next few days, find out whats pushing me inside. in the meantime, One Day at a Time.
Reaching out to GYE friends over the phone definitely helps keep me anchored overall and gives me a fallback when I'm falling back.

I think I need to start a new thread about not being upset at my wife and appreciating her for all the help and support she gives me and also recognizing that she is human and every person has some faults, and I'm also human and also have faults.

I'll get to it eventually just like everything else.

What a smart idea! Go for it!

I was taking with a friend yesterday and mentioned that one night I had treated my wife and made dinner. He responded that he tries to treat his wife everyday, with dinner or otherwise, because of all she does for him, especially taking care of the kids. I thought of this when last night my wife was up with my baby all night while I slept. What an amazing women, even if is natural and "expected" it's still very appreciated.

Realized part of what I like about the journaling is the not running around for 20 minutes in the morning, it is so relaxing.

Had a challenge this evening. I took my wife out for our anniversary to a nicer restaurant, the greeters by the door were three very attractive young ladies dressed in a very provocative way. Was difficult not to notice or take second looks as they walked by. And i didn't feel like i connected with my wife, and no i don't think it was because of these ladies. And now I'm feeling frustrated. And now I'm up late and going to be tired tomorrow. Poo! At least the food was good.

Stay strong!