Guys,
I can't reach out for help on chats becasue I can't stay at my computer for long...
Life is crazy. Wife is depressed. Many children with lots of energy.
And now Tahara issues!! Been assur for many weeks. I have been on a roller coster... 
I am trying so hard not to give in (49 days clean as of today) and just wish I could release all the stress by acting out, but הגיעו מים עד נפש..
I feel so stuck.. אוי לי מיצרי אוי לי מיוצרי..
I can't anymore..

Thanks for listening, I have noone I can speak to..
Upanddown

49 days amazing.. one more till your own Shavuos!! 

Stay in the Milchomo.. don't give in. You know full well if you do how you will feel afterwards and you don't need to go there. Thats what i have been telling myself recently and it has helped.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and tremendous Siyata Dishmaya.

Hey, Go get yourself some cheesecake, and meat with a good wine and throw a party to celebrate your own Maten Torah.

Stay strong and keep thanking Hashem for all the good in your life. And like taherlibeinu wrote, you know that if you act out your life will just get crazier, its hard but rewarding. 

Keep posting,

UpAndDown wrote on 16 May 2023 14:56:

Hey, hang in there. I can relate to everything you've written. I also have a bunch of kids (two with special needs) and life can get pretty hectic. Also, recently due to a minor medical procedure, my wife has also been "out of the waters" for a while now. Is it easy? Not at all. But know that we are here for you and this will pass. Stay strong and Be''h things will get better. All the best.

Sounds tough, but you sound tougher.

We feel for you. So please keep us updated. 

Just like your username, now it's down, and let's wait for the up. 

taherlibeinu wrote on 16 May 2023 15:15:

Thank you so much for this!
Yes that does help me a lot as well.
Hashem has created us men with a deep instinct that masturbating is wrong. Even at age 12/13, even before anyone has told us anything about the איסור הוז''ל, one can feel that it is a bad thing to do... And however many times I have acted out and tried telling myself to chill about it and keep doing it, this instinct follows right after! And one is left feeling phisically fresh but emotionally broken and frustrated.

Thanks again for your Chizzuk!

Thank you all for your replies! It makes it so much easier when not alone in it and when my feelings are validated. Thanks.

I have kept strong so far, but its still so difficult. I am naturally a very hot headed person and full of feelings. I am absolutely desperate to watch porn and act out. To ditch it all (yiddishkeit)...

I have come a long way in קדושה and especially in אמונה, but I am shattered from the constant battle with the YH. I am so upset. I cry nearly every day bitter tears from the יסורים נפשיים of overcoming the temptations.

Please forgive me for the following, I know it's wrong to talk like this, but...

I am angry with Hashem! So upset with him!! I feel like He is pushing me into a corner until I give up! 
Then I tell myself that this is exactly what he wants from us, he wants us to realize that only He can help us and we should daven to him - אילמלי קל בעזרו לא יוכל לו (or something like that) - but thats exactly when I get furious at Him! I daven and daven and daven again with bitter tears but there is no response... תחשה ותעננו עד מאד! And the battle continues... And learning tora doesnt work.. and there is no end in sight! (2 years ago I had a streak of nearly 400 days clean!! and then I fell again really badly and here I am today still struggling with P&M...)
I am in so much pain..
So many times, when having a huge urge (nearly every day, several times), I raise my hands to the heavens and say: Hashem! I am not touching or going near it just for your sake!! Please show me that you are happy with me!! Show me a sign that the תורה is אמת and that if keeping the תורה one has a happier, better life!!
But there is no answer... total הסתר פנים..
It's so frustrating. It's infuriating.

Sorry about my rant. Thanks so much for listening. It is so painful.

UpAndDown

I'm so sorry for your pain and frustration, my friend. I have learned that having people to share with in this journey is very helpful. Besides for advice and comraderie, they also offer hugs when you are in pain. My friend, reach out to someone safe here. Talking to people that understand you will be a life-changing experience. And boy do we understand you

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's amazing that you're hanging on through it all! If you want something that will help change your perspective on this fight, please read The Battle of the Generation. (See link below in my signature.) Keep on trucking!

hi upanddown,
im sorry for what you're going through. i hope your situation gets better, and that even before then (ביזן קרעטשמא דארף מען אויך א טרינק) you should be matzliach.
im remembering a great vort from the tzemach tzadik: the posuk says that hashem told yaacov avinu: כי לא אעזבך עד אשר אם עשיתי את אשר דברתי לך. fregt zich di kashe, what does it mean that hashem will not forsaken yaacov untill he fulfils his הבטחה? after hashem does את אשר דברתי לך he will (c"v) forsaken yaacov avinu??
says the tzemach tzadik that pshat is, that hashem is telling yaacov avinu that even before he will see the ישועה, while its still a matzav of העלם, its still עד אשר אם עשיתי, even there hashem will not forsaken him. cuz hashem is always w a yid, watching him, guiding him and helping him.

i want to bring out an important point. don't underestimate 49 days. its a big deal. one of the chevra shared an eye opening perspective w me: try to compare the struggle w lust to that of loshon hara. now say you go through 49 days of not uttering a word of loshon hara. do you feel like a looser for having a nisayon to say a couple words? do you feel that the 49 days went to waste cuz you anyway came back to square one?
you write that in your recent history you had a 400 (!) day streak. that's amazing! don't let anyone take that away from you. yes its frustrating when you think you're past that garbage and then you get an ugly reminder that your still human, but i dont think its fair to eat yourself up cuz of that. again think of the loshon hara analogy. like your name suggests, journeys come w ups, and with downs.

best wishes to a bunch of hatzlacha,
horizon

I was starting to think of some Chizzuk to write. Then I realized, Chaim, who are you fooling?! This man is so far above your Madreiga - just be quiet and learn from him. I re-read your post many times and found more things to learn each time.
UpandDown?! what unbelievable Gevura! I am in awe of your strength to hold on in the situations you are describing. I wish I had your Koach. Chazak Viamatz, bruder. I'm davening for you

I am so touched by each one of your replies!  מי כעמך ישראל!
Unbelievable, I have brothers around the globe who don't know who I am, yet they care for me so deeply!
And miraculously I'm still in BH! 50 days clean. It's in your זכות..

So far today is a slightly easier day. Not sure why... perhaps "chaimoigen"'s תפילות are working... (BTW @chaimoigen - I was so moved by what you wrote!)

I'll keep you posted..

Much הצלחה to all of you in your own journey...

I PM'ed you. Ayin sham

UpAndDown wrote on 16 May 2023 22:29:

You’re a good man!!

Sorry to hear your struggle. 

You said “It is so painful”
From what you wrote it sounds like you’re good getting to shul early 3 times a day, being kove’a itim, helping at home, helping the community, BUT it’s because you can’t win the fight against Porn which is why you’re so despondent. 

I wonder if it’s possible that there’s pain in your heart regardless of Porn?
I mean let’s say you happily managed to cut porn out of your life, how calm and serene would you be - day by day, week to week?

To be carrying such a burden is painful. 

Sometimes in my tears I drown (who am I kidding. There's no tears) 

I won't offer solutions because I haven't a clue how to help. 
When I'm down, I find that some self care is worth it. 
If the girls can go for manicures, why can't us boys have some fun. 
Hit your favourite shawarma place for an hour of 'me' time. It helps me clear my mind when there are too many things in my brain for me to handle. Extra tachina sauce helps.