About a month ago I hit a low that I thought I never would. For those who read my initial post "Broken and crying", it was truly so in that moment and the few weeks that followed. 

I have stopped crying for the most part and managed to pick up pieces enough to get my life in order as best as I could. I have taken measures and steps to secure myself and my finances (that was part of the bottom for me) and while I have no guarantee that it will not come back to haunt me, I cannot and will not live my life on the "what if's". Regardless, I am reminded of the promise I made myself over a decade ago to never give up. For the most part, I have kept that promise. Not with the greatest results but nevertheless, I never tried stopping. Now it's time for me to go through a process that I believe I must go through. It is a process I went through in my late teens/the early twenties. Back then I had little support and little did I know that I could have easily gone to a point of no return. Also at the time, I had little to lose. This time is different. I have support and too much to lose should I lose myself. The GYE community is an amazing one and was critical the day after I hit my low. I am hoping it will be a help on day 1 and beyond. I will try to log in daily or every few days. I am hoping to pass on helpful tips and tricks to making our journey easier and more fruitful but also find inspiration and comfort on the days I feel like I want to give up.

The journey started many years ago but day 1 to the rest of my life begins...now.

I think it would be helpful to you and the guys here to hear more details about your struggle. 
Whatever you story, you will find some guys here that share your struggle.....
Never give up is right. All we can do in this world is to keep fighting and never giving up. Everything else is not in our power.

hi iwantmeback

i read through your other posts, and felt the sadness in your words. i also felt the hope you write about for good tomorrows, which came along with solid steps going forward. i'm sorry for your financial loss, and wish you hatzlacha in the future.

what i think is essential, is to work together with someone, like a rav or profesional who you can connect with, towards those better tomorrow's. as you write crying together is better then crying alone.

hatzlacha in 'the rest of your life'!

Day 1: Log
I saw a post a few times to elaborate on my struggle. I don't know how appropriate it is to elaborate too much but if there are questions I can always be PM'd for a fuller conversation. In short, I grew up in a simple Jewish home, went to charidi yeshivot, and my religious way of life has been from very religious to downright atheistic and anti-all around. My home life growing up was turbulent (to put it mildly) and my school life was no better in the slightest. The net result was I was a very angry individual at the world, God, and anyone religious. I lacked basic social skills and death was a welcoming outcome as opposed to what I considered far worse fates. Ofcourse, throughout P & M was my drug, my escape, my best friend. At the time it's what I thought and then I learned it wasn't. The 17-21 time period was the worst in my life. At 21, by God's grace, I fell upon an individual in the most unlikeliest of places that it upon herself to help me. She saw a broken individual and became perhaps the first person in my life who I felt truly cared for me. She let me express things I have held up inside for years, was nonjudgemental, taught me the basics of life and she also opened my eyes to the issues of P& M. Ever since then I have been fighting the good fight. So that is a very short snippet of my history and hopefully a better understanding as to what was the groundwork that lead to the struggle. I also hope that if someone has a similer story, it will be of help to know they are not alone.

As for more current events, ever since roughly a month ago of my rock bottom (or better yet my wake up call), I have taken a good emount of time to sit down and think about things. I have implemented a no phone in the bedroom at night rule for myself and that alone has reduced P significantly over the last few weeks. Aside from a few very low moments, I didnt have any outright falls in the P department simply by keeping the phone out of the bedroom at night. I have also been journaling and that has also helped me put things in to perspective over the weeks. Meditation and putting on teffilin is something I am trying to restart. It's very rusty but slowly it is happening.

M has been far more difficult for me to not do. It isn't so much that M is occupying my time but rather the oppisite. It happens so quickly that I barely have any time to really get a hold of my mind before I find myself after the act. guess that one will take some more time do deal with.

I am also trying to find an appropriate professional / coach to have in my life. 

guess thats it for now. I guess this post isn't so much of a first day but more the lead up to the first day. I asked myself what goal do I want to start with and I hope to reach a week. Only 6 to go.

Thanks for sharing. Its very painfull to hear what you went thru. 
I hope you do find the courage to fight on. 
Good luck and keep us posted. 

Dear GYE Community,

I was debating if I wanted to write or hold out possibly for a much longer time. I am choosing to write.
I last posted on March 29 as day 1 to the rest of my life. Turns out I had several days 1 from then but as of, at least,  56 days ago I had my last day 1 and I truly hope it stays this way. Something changed because I never and I mean never had such a 56-day length of time. Over the years I had some 30-day or maybe even once or twice 60. I think once and once only I was around 90 but the singular thing I remember from all those times was that it was an intense battle. A battle, in hindsight, that was doomed ti very likely end with another fall and usually a bad one. However, this time, while I have my moments of sweat, I can honestly say it has been smooth, cleansing, life-changing, and just all-around the kind of sobriety that I strongly feel is impacting. What changed was, perhaps a cliche, exercise and a more forthcoming honesty to myself and others.

I am a fairly skinny guy with an ultra-fast metabolism, Not gaining weight from eating everything and anything was never a challenge. The opposite is true. Try and try as I may I could never hold on to any weight gain if any. Now I was never at a place where I disliked as I looked and for the most part I never really focused on my looks. However, over the years I tried several times to gain weight and build a little bulk to myself but never was able to and also ended up hurting myself a couple of times for weeks as a result of not exercising properly. I have been told, heard, and watched people saying for years "Do exercise, it is good for your body and mind and more" but due to my biology, schedules, and a whole host of other reasons I never did it seriously. Why this time I decided to try again I can't really say but I thought why not give it another go? I did. I did some listening from coaches and I understood that I cannot commit to going to a gym or something out of the home because it would not be realistic. I wanted something I could reasonably commit to. So I learned some home muscle exercises and also how to do them properly across multiple muscle groups to avoid burnout and start gaining muscle across my body overall. I even tried a few apps. 

I am at day 56. I am at day 56 of not having missed a single day of exercise, even if I have not been able to do a full routine I still did something. I am at day 56 of not having P&Md. I am at day 56 of living a life and being on a road to the max. I truly didn't think the benefits would be other than bodily but because of the exercises, everything has changed. I got some of me back and learned to work with the parts that I had more trouble with in the past, I have a better relationship with my with both in and out of the bedroom, I have more patience with my kids, I started putting on tefillin as part of some of my meditations. I have put on more times Tallit and Tefillin in the pars 56 days than I have over the last 8 years. I like my body and enjoy putting it to service whether it's at work as my work is more physical, at home while playing with the kids or doing things around the house, and for my wife who is most important of who I want to be attractive for. I also found a good therapist with who I have been making progress and expanding my inner self. I am more thankful and appreciative for my male body and the masculine energy that God has given me. I function better in the bedroom and intimate time with my wife is new, fresh, and perhaps the first time in my marriage where I feel a true intimate bonding as it was intended to be. Of course, also the obvious benefit of a more fit, better looking, better functioning body with a little bit of mass to it. Perhaps even more significant is some conversations I have had with some of my male close friends about the topic of sex, P, M, and discovered that they to can struggle with it and it's ok to talk about.

Why did I decide to write? I wanted to share first and foremost. Believe me when I say that I was a skeptic for years about exercize and I could not imagine the benefits it would yeild. What I am trying to say is let this be a learning lesson. If there is something that you never thought it would work for you, it might just. It doesn't have to be exercise. However, also, I wanted to write because while all this life-changing goodness is happening, I felt it was important to first say thanks because not very long ago I was perhaps in my lowest point in life. The initial moments were on GYE so I say thanks once more out of likely many more times as I hit milestones. Also, I felt it was important to write so as to not forget and be honest. I am a SA. Ignoring it is not going to change that. Doing what I am doing now is helping me live a full meaningful life but the journey till now and the SA part os part of me. I could go into all kinds of deep stuff about it but it's irrelevant almost. Truth is truth and reality is reality and this is my truth and reality.

Anyway, if you got to this point in this post, points for patience to read it all but also, I am open to talking or having a sit down if you are in the Jerusalem area. I am no mentor but if there is something I did that can help, I would be happy to do so.

Here is to day 57 and onwards.

wow. thanks for sharing