Hello to you all

I want to see if can do 90 days without porn or at least very little porn.

I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about quitting masturbating. That's gonna be a separate fight. The porn issue is much more important. My therapist has stressed to me how important it is to quit porn even if I wasn't Jewish.

My original post was here

My new meds are helping - i have been around 17 days without porn, without being suicidal or severe  emotional flashbacks. Or even wanting to watch porn.

I know it's gonna be a struggle, especially since I have to keep myself busy as I ain't working alot. I have too much free time. If I could work more, I would. Also I have an unfiltered device due to needing porn if I get suicidal thoughts/emotional flashbacks. (I do have something similar to a Taphsic, but it has a release clause if I get suicidal thoughts or I am in a severe emotional flashback).
Thankfully the new meds are helping with those issues, but it is too early for me to feel it is safe to have filter on my device.

I hope to post here how my 90 days are going
90% of my porn watching is due to extreme emotional pain, very little of my porn watching is due to enjoyment. I don't really have much enjoyment of most things, due to emotional blunting/anhedonia caused by med/trauma I went through. The more I heal, the safer my body feels, the more my enjoyment levels return somewhat
if anyone on this forum went through emotional blunting or anhedonia and would be able to be there for me as I go through it, please message me
I'll keep you all posted.

Day 17 - going strong so far

You inspire me brother!! Ill be following every word! Hugs hugs and hugs! And remember its about the long term, not about freaking out about every slip. Looking forward to following your journey!

Today is Day 22 of no porn
Friday night was great as i was calm and relaxed
Shabbos was hell. (At the moment due to pain and suicidal/emotional flashbacks, till my meds kick in properly, i'm on my devices alot of shabbos -- I discussed this with my Rov), despite being on my devices, shabbos day was still hell, anxiety kicked in trauma mode kicked in, I overate alot to counteract my anxieties and traumas which just made them worse, it was even a struggle to leave the house even for a short walk.

Sunday i was super angry, don't know what triggered it. Blew up verbally at a family member I don't get along with with - I try not to talk to them. Blowing up just made me angrierSunday night was horrible as I was still angry and anxious and I tried to learn with my chavrusa but my brain was on zero. I was angry at G-d that I'm trying to learn, I walked 20mins in a crazy mood to learn and you won't even let me learn cause you've put my brainpower at zero. I hate you even more.This morning was angry till I ended up doing some EMDR for the anger, for just a few mins and calmed down pretty quickly. Then after a few hours my meds kicked in and the rest of the day was amazing.
Chavrusa tonight went really really really well. Brain was 9/10. Despite my usual ADHD, Learnt 40mins straight and we finished a perek gemoro.

​Therapy day tomo aswell -my therapist is like a father figure (I never had a real normal emotionally available father, my therapist is the closest thing I have to a real father), no wonder I look forward to therapy sessions...

I'll keep you all updated
It's day 22

ILAHCFM wrote on 21 Nov 2022 22:24:

❤️, my friend.

I got to 56days. Last night/today I fell and watched porn a few times.
My anxiety has been extra high the last week and I've been off work due to the holidays. When my anxiety is high, all my usual ways of keeping myself busy or distracting myself, don't work as my anxiety can be overwhelming/debilitating and "override" the distractions. I was watching porn just to "get out of the world" and forget that I have anxiety as my anxiety feels debilitating - I'm struggling to go on a walk, go shopping, I go but it's painful due to the anxiety. Even watching movies is a struggle due to the current anxiety... I know people will find it difficult to believe but there was very little enjoyment in watching porn for me, I would rate it 1/10, it's just the power porn has to make me forget I'm in a world going through so much pain, is the reason I watched porn. I'm on meds but they don't always work, some days meds are better than others.... It didn't help that besides no work, that my therapist is on holiday aswell... And I have a loophole in my "similar to Taphsic thing", that I took advantage of, I can't close the loophole as I need it when I'm in severe emotional flashbacks (my loophole is to message my therapist that it's off - gonna see in my next session if there is a way to close the loophole whilst keeping it open for emergencies i.e. only for severe emotional flashbacks). It's the same reason I don't have a filter as there are times when porn is a "lifesaver" (I've written about this in a diff thread)

Im looking back and thankful that I managed 56 consecutive days of no porn. I didn't believe that ill manage so long and I only managed it as i took it day by day. My meds also played a big role as I get very little desire when I'm on them. And I got a new job working more hours so that helps....

As of now, I'm restarting my challenge to see if I could reach 90days of no porn, taking it one day at a time
thanks to everyone who reads this

56 days is awsome!

wow, that's strong of you to fall so hard after so long and get up brush off without waiting for the "right" time to restart

keep up man

My friend ILAHCFM…56 days is terrific. A real win!! Plus the rest of your post was filled with good information about how well you seem to be coping compared to when I first met you. I’m SO PROUD OF YOU AND YOUR 56 INDIVIDUAL WINS!!! Smiling from ear to ear. Be proud. Pick yourself up. You sound really solid at the moment and I know you can keep going. One fall does not a failure make. With respect and love, Yosef. 

Ybird wrote on 28 Dec 2022 21:23:

Thanks. I don't feel "safe" having the ability to watch porn, so I try get back on track quickly.

Teshuvahguy wrote on 28 Dec 2022 21:23:

Thanks
I think if my therapist was in town and I had work instead of holidays, my anxiety would've been less severe or I would have been able to cope with it better, and less likely to fall.