Hi Geshmak!

First of all, I just read your posts - I give you tremendous credit for pushing through and not falling - of course it's hard, but in my opinion and experience you need to have a hard filter on ALL devices (otherwise you will fall!) and being that you are a person with a lot of energy (although you wrote it, I can see it from the way you are writing) you need to reroute your energy on other things. Once your busy and focused on good and your passion is focused on the good/other stuff and devices are filtered it will be much easier not to fall.

Of course, there will be triggers. Of course you'll see things when you are just walking in the street, but even if you do (break and) look it generally wont lead to a falling!

(BTW I'm far from the biggest tzaddik myself. I've falling many many times - last was 8 days ago, but I try. I happen to be a very peoples and passionate person myself, which is why I think I can relate to what you are saying).

Hatzlacha!

Teshuvah4real wrote on 28 Nov 2022 16:18:

Thx!
but I do have filters on all my devices and I do a lot of good things with my energy and guess what buddy i still have very strong desire for shmutz ( it’s interesting you post this today, cause punkt today im going through a hard time didn’t have this in a while) so basically I want to know WHY IS IT SO SO SO HARD?!?!? Why can’t I just let go enjoy something else as much as this( do something else instead that will calm me down as much as this would) ? And if the answer is that there is nothing else as fun and geshmak( hope I’m aloud to use that word on such filthy stuff) as this then why did h’ aser it he want us to enjoy life, NO????

Geshmak! wrote on 28 Nov 2022 15:47:

To block an account from emailing you in gmail on a computer: Click the 3 dots on the right of a message, then click block...

HI Geshmak, let me tell you what i did today by shachris. 
After finishing Shmona Esra. I started to scream (quietly of course......) Hashem! Why is this still so hard? I can give in very easily and fulfill my wildest desires  every day, the only reason i dont, is because you forbid it......
The G'Mara says 'Habo L'taher M'sayin Oisoi' (who ever wants and starts to be clean, will be helped from heaven), so why am i not seeing this help? Hashem. you promised "open me a door as big as a pin hole and i will open your doors as big as the doors from the Ulem! have i not opened my door as big a pin hole? After everything I've given up in the last few years? From Porn, TV shows and movies, goyishe books, podcasts, goyishe news, etc. I've given up everything! What else do you need me to do? just tell me and ill do it! Ive asked you so many times to please remove all lust from me, or at the very least the desire for other males..... You say in the Holy Torah that its a Toiava which roughly translates as something despicable... So why shouldn't i feel the same as the Torah does? being triggered by women is at least manageable by me, you can look down on the street and thats it. And besides im BH married so i dont feel the need to transgress by looking at other women. But Males??? come on! I cant go to shul without being triggered! Who is even talking about going to the mikvah?!?!? I want to go to cleans and purify myself but i cant! If this continues, i will need to stop going to shul as i cant take it anymore! is this what you want me to do? 

I dont know if it is appropriate to talk like this to Hashem. Im sure it isn't. But i believe that openness is the key to a good relationship, so when i feel angry, instead of bottling it up, i give it all out and feel lighter. I hope He will forgive me. 
btw, anyone without any SSA desires will not be able to comprehend the scope of this struggle. its so debilitating for me.

chancy wrote on 29 Nov 2022 16:25:

I have no words! What a heartbreaking beautiful post … my eyes literally tiered up when I was reading it…. Abt if you can talk to H the way u did ? I think not you could you have to H loves to hear he’s child scream out to him for help especially when it comes to ruchnies! Your heart full scream was for sure heard in שמים and for sure answered! Davening for you!
הצלחה וברכה! 
ps I bh don’t have issues with ssa ( I think men are ugly ) but I can imagine how hard it is for you it must be torture for you… h should help you בקרוב ממש!!
and abt mik. Oish it’s probably hell but for me it’s gan Eden I love going to mik I go every morning I feel like new man after ,someone once said if a giy goes to mik to become a gar the water has a power to make him from giy to yid! Can you imagine what it does to a yid! Ah I love it it says that after the churben the shchinah lives in ‘מ סאה a mikvah and when I go and I’m under the water I think thoughts of תשובה and I daven for myself and my family…I also always go to mik after I fall bh there are mik open all day in my area. I hope everyone does the same at least go once in a while like eriv shabbos… bh we are lucky that we don’t need to brake the ice to go to mik there are all over nice mik for only 2 bucks you can be a new man! So dear chancy! Please find a quiet mik to go to… you can different hours when no one is there I many time go and I’m the only one there… wishing you all the best!!

chancy wrote on 29 Nov 2022 16:25:


Wow I could have written every word of that! BH I'm basically clean from actual acting out for a while now, but the day to day struggle with the people I see at shul, work etc. drives me nuts. But yes, I think that's what Hashem wants me to be doing. To fight a special battle for Him, one that only a chosen few get to participate in. And maybe the Tafkid is not to win, but just to not give up (see Tanya 27). This is something my mind knows and believes, but my heart sometimes has trouble feeling...

Thank you G'vura! it means a lot to me that you read my posts and that you identify. As time goes by i also feel that the urge to actually do something physical is less and less. its more of a fear of getting triggered that im fighting now. 
Im trying to train my brain to not fear the trigger but just to move on with minimal effort. 
My 911 need right now is to learn how to not notice every pretty think that comes across my eyes......

chancy wrote on 29 Nov 2022 16:25:

@chancy, this brought me to tears. I feel exactly the same way. I could have written those words myself. Shul is so hard. And guys who don’t have SSA cannot understand the extra layer of pain this adds to the already difficult struggle. I beg Hashem to remove these feelings. I have for more than 50 years. It is ridiculous the superhuman strength it takes to steel my head and eyes to keep from glancing at a man’s crotch or fantasize about his muscular hands. Every part of them is sexualized. How can Hashem love me when I want this? I hope he loves me for fighting it. But as you said, “I’d rather be in everlasting purity than neverlasting filth”, so I keep trying.  Thanks for understanding and constantly giving me chizuk! I am here for you, too.

So today ( Dec.1 2022)is Day 128 for me with one fall by day 110 so I'm really up to day 18.
Let me tell u what was going thru my head on day 110 before I fell. I was telling myself u were so good for such a long streak and your now in a crazy horny mood so What's gonna happen if u make one step back like I'll just get right back up as if it didn't happen...And just get on with my new clean life. It won't affect me even a bit. But chavrah I was so so wrong I learnt that when u fall u don't fall back one step u fall back like a hundred steps (this is not good to read right after a fall... Cause then u gotta just get up with a shtarket and go further and any such thought are from the y.h. But before a fall or now a few weeks later it's great to make a chashbin hanfish)I fell and I fell bad cause I was being accountable to hhm and I thought to myself once u fall enjoy (Ich) it all the way so I did bad stuff not going into detail but it was way worse than just watching (not that watching porn isn't bad enough) and I felt so so bad after you can't imagine.  I had urges these past two weeks like I didn't have in months I got in to fights with my wife like I haven't in months( maybe even years) thoughts of just giving up and just living a dirty life and just give up my dear wife and dear children were constantly in my mind (sounds crazy typing this but I really had such feelings) I use to think this way before I got my help. So I learnt a fall is painful no matter how long your clean a fall can bring u back to step one cv there's no such a Thing as just one small slip... But BH I made it out of it בשלום!! I think I'm back to were I was before the full. Like I'm getting my life back BH!
So first I want to thank everyone on this forum it really helped me these past two weeks I used it as a fun outlet when I got into my moods... And I got a ton of chezuk from all of you! I always had a hour time limit on gye but I felt that I need it more past to weeks so I spent more time on it.... And it was nice I got to know new friends in theses past two weeks that I was on so often( eerie and shmuli and emes and many more). But I think it's time for me to get back to my gmarah (not that I ever left it ) all the way...I don’t think H ‘ wants me spending too much time on gye. So you won’t see too many more posts from me(unless I fall again cv... that's not happening bhy) so please don't be insulted if u don't see me respond to your Post. And you should all know that when I push the thank you button it means I read your post and I liked it and I appreciate it .
Wishing all of you all the best!!!!!
Kol tov! 
With much love , geshmak!

Hi Geshmak! or anyone else reading this,

Perhaps the best solution, as crazy as it sounds (and of course devices must be filtered), is to take a few min each day and truly thank Hashem for the struggles that he has given us! It's a known fact that the more you thank Hashem the more brochus he showers on us. 

There was a story about a couple who were childless for 10 years. They went to Rav Sholom Arush for a brocha - he told them to thank Hashem for the next 40 days for the mere fact that they don't have children. It ain't easy, but eventually they started seeing al the good they have etc. about a year later they had a baby...

Perhaps (no, definitely) if we Thank Hashem for 40 days for all the struggles he gave us - just think about it, how much stronger are we than our peers who don't have these struggles. Yes, we fall from time to time, but the self control we have is incomprehensible! Thank you Hashem for making us so strong! 

Would love to hear thoughts on this.

Sunday night December 11 2022. 
Just staying accountable:
I’m going through some huge urges… I don’t know why but that doesn’t really matter. Im bhy gonna just pull through and not do anything that H’ my dear father in haven doesn’t want me to do!!

Geshmak! wrote on 12 Dec 2022 05:18:

Keep strong!
Urges are temporary.
keep usus updated!

Zedj wrote on 12 Dec 2022 05:33:

Sure will!! So much easier knowing that you care and want to hear an update like I feel like I just can’t fall cause what’s zedj gonna say… thx so much!! You should be gebantcht! And enjoy the fabraging on yat kislav ! Drink an extra lechim for me (but don’t get drunk you might just say all your gye secrets and have guys  around saying hey your zedj?!?!?  )
good night, love ya bro!

Geshmak! wrote on 12 Dec 2022 05:18:

KEEP STRONG!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Hashem loves you! These nisyonas are for your good! חזק חזק!!

Hey, reb Geshmak! You are my inspiration! Keep up the holy fight my holy brother! We are all waiting to hear from you, keep us posted. We are davening for you. I loved your post about there's no such thing as one step back. Beautiful point.