Well, Let the tough part begin. I just joined GYE less than a week ago. I was full of disgust and shame over my actions over the past years, and I was ready to commit to HaShem and break the chains of my Yetza Hara. While I was full of shame and disgust, I also had hope. With this program and increased and focused davening, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

Days 1 through 3 were easy enough as the shame and the hope combined to get me through. Day four became a little more challenging as the excitement and the disgust disappeared somewhat. Day 5 was going along fine until about 4 pm when a single image on the TV changed everything. I went from having a productive and relaxing shabbos to falling into the rabbit hole in an instant. The moment the feeling came over me, I tried in vain to shake the image from my mind, but it came out of nowhere and came so fast. I never had a chance. I was alone, the computer was sitting next to me, and a few minutes later, the shame and the guilt are back, my 4-day streak was over, and I am back to square one.

And now it is Sunday morning around 5 am, and feeling lower than I did before I started. I am thankful that I have this forum to get these thoughts out . But I can't believe that I messed this up so soon. This is not going to be easy...

Hopeful2022 wrote on 31 Jul 2022 09:09:

thanks for posting.  it is helpful when you put your feelings into writing.  It is even more helpful when you post them and share them with a bunch of guys that really want to help.

Please don't think for a second that you are back to square one.  The effort that you are putting in does not go away when you have a fall.  Try to view each fall as a learning experience.  Do not let that feeling of "lower that i did before i started" linger.  Some would say that the yetzer hara getting into your head after a fall is worse than the yetzer hara of the fall itself! so you definitely want to avoid that depressed feeling.  On the other hand i hope that you will use the dissappointment to motivate yourself to get right back up and continue to resist the temptations of the yetzer hara.  Every time you resist is a success and you should recognize that and celebrate it.  

Please consider reading the book The Challenge of the Generation by Hillel S.  I found that it helped with my perspective in this struggle and i have gained tremendously from reading a chapter every night.  I will iyh finish this week for the third time and look foward to starting the book again.

best wishes for continued success
vehkam

Welcome to the fight! A couple of thoughts:

1) You nailed it with your last sentence-it's not going to be easy. But as I heard from an incredible real-life warrior whom I'll leave unnamed "If life is easy, you're living it wrong." It's not going to even get easier for a while. But take it one day at a time. Never get caught up in thinking "I have so many more days to make it to 90" or "I'm feeling so powerless right now, there's no way I'll make it to tomorrow without falling." Take it slow and steady, day by day, even hour by hour if need be. You can do this.

2) You are NOT lower than when you started. You're climbing a mountain, and if you face a challenging obstacle that you don't pass on your first try, that doesn't mean you've fallen back to the base of the mountain. You're still at (to pick a number at random) 500 feet up. It just means fighting more to get to 600, and there's no shame in that. 

3) It would be unspeakably helpful to 1) filter whatever device you fell on, and 2) get a partner on GYE, especially 1 more than 2. 2 is a luxury, 1 is a necessity. There's no chance of changing for good if you're a few clicks away from porn whenever the lust hits. Here are some options: guardyoureyes.com/protection

And here's the partner program: guardyoureyes.com/tools/partner-program?view=accounts

4) Lastly-keep writing on GYE! It's a terrific way to get your thoughts out, and most importantly, it lets you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS BATTLE. We're all together in this. And you will win. Remember that. Keep fighting!

Imagine life as a race where each day is another mile run.  If I told you that someone ran 4 miles, slipped and fell and continued the race--would you say he's any further back than the starting line?  Of course not!  He's still 4 miles away from the start, and no matter how many times he falls he will never be as far back as when he decided to start the race!  If you made it four days--Mazal Tov! You ran four miles, and you're four miles away from a point in your life; four miles that you can never lose!  Do not be discouraged, rather use the chizzuk and continue the race! 

Your Yetzer Hara tries to fool you to thinking you're worse off because you fell.  This couldn't be further from the truth!  Just keep getting up and knowing you're forever going to be in a better place than you were before starting this race.  And know you're running with Hashem and all of Klal Yisroel on your team!

AsherBacharBanu wrote on 31 Jul 2022 17:28:

Welcome A.B.B!

Nice to have you with us. 

Whats gonna happen if he watches porn for 4 days, does that put him back to step one - how does it work. 

Nope! My analogy still stands strong! Once u start the race there is no way to go backwards. Falling down while running doesn’t revert you backwards. It simply means u fell; even if you fell 100 times you wouldn’t magically teleport to the before the starting line.  The very fact that you decided one day to start this journey means you will never be in the same place again. 

You can try to use logical arguments to ruin my analogy (arguments that I very easily answered). Or you can just take the analogy and try to better yourself and those on this forum. I strongly suggest the latter, but I do appreciate the honest questioning! 

AsherBacharBanu wrote on 31 Jul 2022 21:46:

I agree 100%!

Definitely - You turned a new page and started any program of recovery, there’s no turning back. 
You have a valid point.

However you seemed to say something else in your previous message. 
I understood your words in the context of 90 day chart (forgive me if I’m being too literal which occasionally happens - out of my control )

Lets say someone joins gye and counts days, but hasn’t started any gye program, or SA program, or therapy etc, I don’t follow how we are boosting his morale by saying to him when he has let’s say a monthly 4 day clean streak 
“You ran four miles, and you're four miles away from a point in your life; four miles that you can never lose!” [even if you fall…]

What may he have lost, that you’re trying to save him from?

Of course any clean day is a prize, you can’t take away!
In this day and age, each day can be a new struggle…

Yet if one of our brothers here fell after 5 days, the chizuk I’d tell him is not “you have 5 days clean and when you restart counting you should start from day 6”. 

Rather “Brother, Sorry to hear you’re back to day 1, and your constant struggle in getting a clean streak. I’m clean thank Gd because these x,y,z steps have proven to help me… If you need anything - we are here for you 24/90”!

Thoughts ?

Hopeful2022 wrote on 29 Jul 2022 10:16:


Ouch, this sounds really tough!!
Is your marriage on the rocks because of this?

If your story was unique and no one would understand you and no one can help you and you’re doomed, then yeah staying stuck can seem to be the only solution.

​But you said your story is not unique!

You asked for forgiveness. 
Can I make a suggestion and if you take it you’ll be granted full forgiveness!

Im not a big shmoozer, but I have spoken to a few gye friends over the phone and also met a couple of them too!

THEY DON’T BITE!!!!!

Here’s my suggestion. Drop me a Private Message and I’ll be happy to have a chat with you. It’ll help you break the ice and break your fear of reaching out, and then you’ll get your free forgiveness pass!

Deal?

My marriage is not on the rocks over this. It is probably the only thing wrong with my marriage. My wife thinks the lack of intimacy results from my age, physical health, and overall lack of interest. 

My biggest concern right now is that I don't want her to know about GYE. I think (and I may be wrong) that it would cause more problems in my life if she knew I was involved in all this.

Thank you for offering to chat, and I may take you up on that. I don't think I am ready for that yet. I am still learning the ropes and even writing on this forum is difficult for me. The people reading this are the ONLY people I have told about this. This is already a leap of faith to join GYE. Knowing there are people willing to help is very comforting and gives me hope. 

Hopeful2022 wrote on 08 Aug 2022 13:56:


Brother your story is gonna get lost if it’s on very different pages. I suggest you keep your story on 1 thread. Next time simply click ‘reply’ instead of creating a new thread.

Works for you?

Keep on Trucking bro 

Thank you. I am still learning the ropes! I will keep it on this page!

Two days clean and have a busy day three, so I hope and pray for a good clean day three!

In the middle of a "scary" moment. I am alone and my wife just went out and that is when I have the most trouble. I feel good right now, have no urges and having a productive day at work (from home). I am just waiting for the next attack by the Yetzer Hara. Is he lulling me into complacency and then will leap, or is sensing that I am strong at the moment and knows he can't get me?

I am in day 3 of the latest streak and feeling good at the moment...

Hope everyone is having a strong, safe, clean day!

Keep up the fight! You can do it!!

Hopeful2022 wrote on 10 Aug 2022 15:20:

I find that by me, making all these calculations ("Is he lulling me into complacency and then will leap, or is sensing that I am strong at the moment and knows he can't get me") actually ends up making it harder for me, for it keeps the lust front and center. The best thing  is to stop obsessing, wondering making cheshbonos and just get busy with life and whatever tasks you have at hand.

Hope this helps.

i am at day 1 problems with Chatting with wrong ppl i hope to be strong