Face the challenge wrote on 30 Jun 2022 04:00:

WOW hashem still has somepassionate workers on this world!!!

There is one really bad habit that i developed over the last 15 years which im sure many people here can relate to. It’s the ability to lie straight through your teeth without a second thought and no one will know. I do it with ease and it’s a result of having hidden things that i was doing for years and years. Anyway, it comes in handy sometimes. One of my otd siblings has a non-Jewish girlfriend that he brings over to our house (as that is what my parents were instructed to do by their rabbi), and when she says ‘so nice to see you again’ im able to reply straight back ‘and so nice to see you as well’ with a nice big smile (even though i would rather never see her again in my life…). But it’s so natural to be able to do it. I really need to work on this habit, to get myself to be a more honest person overall, but for the time being (like this shabbos where this shiksa is going to be at my house), ill be able to rely on my ability to lie without anyone noticing. Hope to completely rid myself of this bad Midah though eventually. 
Anyway, let me know if you also have a hard time with this…

I’m by no means a posek but I don’t think telling someone “so good to see you “ when you actually don’t really mean it is considered lying, all your doing is being proper, what would happen if you wouldn’t respond that way? You’d come off as being rude which would be much worse than saying a “lie” especially if she’s not on the same path as you, you have to show her that בני תורה are mentchlich.
Again I’m not a posek just my own two cents. 
All the best and keep up with your amazing work! Your a true inspiration for all of us! 
Good Shabbos. 

 I guess that may be true in this context, but i still got to work on my Midah of emes nonetheless (for all the other areas of life…) Im confident that I will get better now that i don’t really feel like im hiding anything from the world because im not the same person that i used to be, but i know it’s going to take some hard work to uproot it. All i can do is try!
forgot to mention that with g-d’s help, i will complete my 90 days tomorrow night. Ill probably post something emotional/mushy or something like that sometime next week as per the minhag hamakom 


good shabbos!!

Hey everyone,

Today was my 90th day clean. Who thought I would ever make it this far (probably no one being that no one knew my secret(-: but that’s beside the point…) For all those who didn’t read my original point I’ll summarize it quickly here. I was introduced to porn at around age 7-8, figured out masturbating on my own around this age also, and got hooked on it before I even knew it was אסור. I was hiding my addiction throughout middle school, high school, and Beis Medrash. Life was hell for me. I was living a double life for far too long and the inner turmoil was so painful. I thought I was the biggest Rasha in the world and thought that I would go to the grave with my secret. This past Bein Hazmanim I fell in the worst way that ever happened to me and that was the spark for me to go searching on the web to figure out a real solution to put my life in order, thus I discovered GYE (For more info see my original post).

I'm now 22 years old. I’ve had a secret for 15 years. That’s a long time. Longer than I thought anyone in the world ever had this problem. I realized how wrong I was. I have read about many people who are or were in far worse situations than I was. After reading through their stories, I realized one simple thing. If there are people out there who were in worse situations than I was and they managed to pull themselves together, I can pull my life together also. I have a shot at life. No more excuses. It’s time to buckle down and beat this battle. I knew that I had to do something fundamentally different than every other time I had tried to stop. What was that fundamental difference? Communication. I had a place where I could let people know what was going on with me. I had a place where I could see how many others struggled with the same situation as I did. We are all men. We all have sexual drives and unfortunately many, many of us were exposed to the horrors of porn. It wasn’t just me. After knowing this I slowly but surely started to feel ‘normal’. I had felt alone and different for so long, and now I felt that I was just like anyone else. I’m not going to ask g-d why he put me into a situation where I was exposed to porn at such a young age and why I live in a house with many unfiltered devices and why we live in a generation that you can’t even walk the streets without being horribly exposed and why this and why that. G-d has his reasons and they are far beyond our comprehension. That’s not what I have to worry about. What I do have to worry about is how I’m going to deal with my reality. How to make sure that I now stay a changed person. How to make sure that I don’t slip back into the abyss that I was once in. That I take the inspiration from gye and channel it into real-life situations where I am struggling. I can feel comfortable knowing that everyone else struggles too and just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that I’m going to fall. I have the capabilities to carry out what I really want to be in life. A true Eved Hashem.

So I reached 90 days. After three months of ups and downs, I finally reached the ‘magic number’. I don’t really feel any different than I did on day 89 nor do I  really feel any different than I did on day 88. And day 92 won’t really feel any different than day 91. But I do feel different in one way. I’m a person who can set a goal and reach it. If I could reach this goal of 90 days, I can reach 900 days, I can reach 9,000 days, and I can keep going for the rest of my life (of course only with the help of Hashem). It may be hard sometimes, and it may feel like I'm about to give in, but I can do it! I can push through! So I’ll have urges sometimes and I know that I will and I know it will be hard, but for now, I don’t have the option to go masturbate or watch porn. I have other ways of dealing with these issues, but going back to my old habits is just not an option anymore. It’s not who I am. That’s what the number 90 signifies for me. A person who can reach a goal that they set for themselves even when the going gets hard. “Cause when the going gets hard, the tough get going”.

So all those out there who read this, know one thing. You can reach the goals that you set. It is possible to break free from this life and there is always gonna be someone who was in your situation or maybe even worse who also broke free. Use them as an inspiration for yourself. Start posting on the forum and share your struggle with someone else. Maybe one day you will pick up the phone and call someone or go meet in person as I did and you will see that there are so many people out there who can give you support when you need it. Porn does not have to define who you are!! You can live a good meaningful life without it, but you must utilize the tools that gye has to offer in order to break free. If I and so many others did it, you can do it to!!

I honestly have to thank everyone here for responding to my posts and encouraging me to keep going. There is something so satisfying when people respond to your posts, so thank you for that. I do have to give a special shout out to both HHM and Vehkam for their continued support to me as they were both there for me when i needed it most. I must give a huge shout out to GYE for all of the holy work that you do. It’s amazing to see how many people have gotten their lives back because of you! So thank you, thank you to the gye team!!! I must express hakaras hatov to hashem for enabling me to get this far on my journey and with his help, I hope to continue on for the rest of my life doing the one thing that I always truly wanted. To be a true Eved Hashem.

ps. I appreciate all feedback, so feel free to respond(-:

You are inspiration to me and I am so happy for you that you reached this milestone.  May you continue to grow and inspire all of us. 

you mention that you are not going to question why you had to grow up in a generation with so many challenges.  Many would say that these challenges are precisely your unprecedented opportunity for greatness.  Don’t underestimate your achievements. These opportunities did not exist in prior generations and will be your  ticket to a front row seat iyh when moshiach comes במהרה בימינו

Mazel Tov! Keep up the amazing work! You are a great inspiration to many here - the challenge for a Bachur can be greater than for those are married, and undoing years of a bad habit is an incredible Avodah!

One thought to keep in mind - while you say "you can't go back to porn and masturbation anymore - that's not who you are" is an important and true point, keep in mind that it's one day at a time, and the streak is not as important as your mentality today, should you have a slip or fall in the future (which happens to many) that doesn't restart the clock - you can still continue as a changed, improved person.

Lots of love, and Hatzlocha!

mazal tov! keep up your amazing work! I'm beyond moved by your positive attitude! keep on inspiring the many of us here!
wishing you brocha vhatzlacha from the bottom of my heart!

Mazel tov on reaching 90. I really have to thank you for this post, because since I started my struggle (around 10 years ago), I have reached 90 days three times. But I have never been able to get completely free. I was not sure why, and I have spoken to people about it.

But I see from your post, 90 is not (just) about changing the habit, but about giving you the confidence that you are able to do it, and that even though the struggle will be there, you now have the strength the push through. The not having as an option to masturbate or watch porn that you mentioned. With the F2F program, I have strengthened my commitment, and now with your encouragement, I am going to do it. Thanks for the chizuk and if you have any more pieces of advice or chizuk, I would love to hear.

Mazel Tov! You make me jealous! Im not being facetious or anyhting like that...... Im serious as a heart attack! You have no idea what you are doing to yourself and to this world and to all of us here at GYE! I was also a bucher and a young boy who started M* at 9 and P and 13 and it changed my life forever. I wish I had the tools that you do, there was not GYE back then and nobody to talk to. So you are lucky in that sense and a  huge inspiration to all of us. 
Now to the point that you make that Hasehm puts everyone of us into different situations to succeed, that is so true you can see it, For example, i shudder to think what i would've become had i been in such a household as you are..... I really try not to think about it, I thank Hasehm that he didnt put me into such a situation. But the fac that He put you, means clearly that he gave you the power to succeed, Otherwise, why would he create you in the first place? to set you up for failure? no way! He is the source of existence and everything good and beautiful. So He has a very bright future planned out for you! Just go with Him and be guided by Him. 
What you wrote about 90 days not being a major number, thats true, however, you can make it a major turning point, use the fact that a lot of doctors said that in 90 days a person can change his behavior and tell  yourself when you get an urge "i now know that i have the strength and the resolve to fight this, i also know that my brain is slowly getting unaddicted so i really dont need this as much as i used to" It will make it easier. 

Good Luck on your Journey and please keep writing. 

Thanks to everyone for responding:-)

Random question for the oilam: I used to feel that I had a lot of kavanah during davening before I got on this journey but for the past three months my kavanah has been in the dumps. I still feel great overall because Im in a much better place in life than i used to be, but wondering if anyone else had a similar experience and if yes, how long did it take before your kavanah came back…
Thanks

Do you mean that you mean that you were able to connect more emotionally during davening?

Ki Sorisa wrote on 06 Jul 2022 01:10:

Emotional connection is one thing that i don’t have nearly as strong anymore but also simple concentration is much harder for me. I find that im spacing out a lot more now then i used to…

Face the challenge wrote on 06 Jul 2022 01:06:

There are definitely times when it is harder to concentrate.  For a while I was thinking about it and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.  I came to the conclusion that there was nothing that I was doing wrong and that this was just another challenge that I needed to accept.   My goal is to try to stay as focused as possible but even if I space out for 99% of davening - to still grab the 1% that I can and appreciate that little bit.  Every day is different sometimes preparing beforehand can help.  

Face the challenge wrote on 06 Jul 2022 01:06:

Mazel tov on hitting 90 days clean! 
Wishing you much continued success!

I can relate to an extent. 
I hyper focused alot of energy inorder to stay clean and I think because of that I did not not have the willpower to continue with my daily shiurim and some things I completely dropped.
After some time clean i have started to take back on some things i was slacking on BH.

(From what I understand based on previous posts) its common for us folk to slack off on other areas while on the journey of becoming clean. 
So I wouldn't get too worried about it. 

if you can, speak to your mentor or revbe about it. I'm sure he will be able to guide you and give some direction.

Zedj