Wow. Your journey is beautiful and courageous. My heart is with you.

Incredible accomplishment! How many Shavuos mornings were a disaster by me.....  Exhaustion coupled with not being able to process my emotions used to make Yom Tov and Motzai Yom Tov disaster zones for me. Ashreichem!!

Face the challenge wrote on 07 Jun 2022 02:57:

wow, that bigger then yosef hatzadik

the heavens are rejoicing...

may the effort that you put into this propel you to heights that you could never have imagined.  i would guess that if moshiach would come today, he would probably point to you standing somewhere near the back of the crowd and summon you to a front row seat.  this is true gadlus. 

67 days clean! Looking forward to my 70 day celebration!!!

On another note, not having internet with me day to day was actually not nearly as hard as i expected. Being that im in yeshiva, there really is no reason why i needed to constantly have it and i would like to share some thoughts:
When i started this journey one of the most fundamental things (if not the most fundamental thing) was me being active on the forum. It was where i replaced the time that i used to watch p*** (needless to say, i was on gye for many, many hours). While that was able to propel me far into my journey, i did feel that there was a certain set back that i was having. In a sense I felt that i was trading one bad habit for another. Now obviously i don’t mean to say that gye is a bad habit, that’s not at all what im trying to say. Rather, it was the constant pull that i felt to keep running to the gye site. I was going on like twenty times a day and in a strange way it was kind of keeping the subject of p*** and m******* on my mind way more than I felt was helpful. So this past week (which was only 3 days) i experienced not going onto the site every few minutes/hours. And I felt that it actually helped me to not constantly be thinking about p***. I felt good. I was just living my life and i didn’t feel like there was any other issue in the background.
The only reason im writing this on the forum is in case there is someone else who may feel that to much access to the forum is holding them back. Again i want to reiterate that if you don’t feel the same way i did, throw my words in the garbage. I don’t have the proper words to express my hakaras hatov to the people on the forum who helped me, and if someone told me not to go onto the forum to much at the beginning of my journey, i definitely wouldn’t have gotten as far as I did today. I’m speaking to very specific people, not to the general public so please don’t take my words the wrong way. I hope to continue to post about once a week and ill see what happens from there.
Good Shabbos!!!

This week I got to level 7! I’m at 74 days and going strong! 16 days left to get to the big 90 (-: I’m looking forward to getting a nice dinner on that day. Other than that my week has been relatively fine. I obviously still have the constant struggle on the street but it seems to be fading more into the background. I’m making sure to stay on top of my game though because i don’t want the yh to sneak back in. I had accidentally left my slides at the persons house where I stayed for shabbas last week and when i got back on motzei shabbat i realized that i didn’t have them. Showering was always a big trigger for me, so i made sure to always wear some type of shower shoe which has really helped me, so i went out on Sunday and bought myself another pair. It was well worth the money(-:

On another note, i actually went and met with hhm this past week. It was a very powerful experience for me to meet someone in person. It gave me a lot of chizuk and i hope to keep going strong. (I’m not suggesting for anyone else to necessarily do the same. I don’t want to get back into the discussion that was discussed previously as to whether or not you should meet/call someone. All im saying is that it helped me a lot.)

[I post my successes because it helps me to recognize where im holding in life. I try to tell myself that im doing awesome. I still feel kind of silly doing this though, but im going to continue because it’s working to help me fight the yetzer hara when i recognize my achievements.]

Keep posting your successes you inspire yourself and you inspire others. The yetzer hara will tell you to downplay your achievements…. Don’t listen!!!

Have a great shabbos.

I just read your original post.  What a masterpiece!  Keep on inspiring us. 

Face the challenge wrote on 17 Jun 2022 16:56:

You are BH doing awesome - why do you view it as silly to tell yourself that? Positive reinforcement is a responsible, honest, and wise method to change bad habits. Keep it up, and keep posting.

Hey FTC!

I just read your whole story and I was crying. I havn't logged on in a while but it was worth it just to see your story!

I also got hooked on porn before I even realized it was an aveira or that there was something call zera levatala. Who would have known that what I was doing would result in years of suffering? I even originally had a different login on GYE that didn't help me break free and only years later came back to actually take full advantage of the forums. 

The point is that:

1) I also owe my life to HHM and know that you are in good hands! THANKS HHM!!!

2)The hardest thing for me is the years I wasn't learning properly and fell back in "level of learning." The smartest thing you are doing is learning single while working on this and then a little bit after. Also, I got inspiration from a chavrusa of mine that was a flip out and went to a mainstream yeshiva only at 18 years old. At that point he was married and in the same yeshiva already for 15 years. He said that when he first came he felt stupid that he didin't know how to learn like everyone else, but then realized that they were already in yeshivas for 18 years, so he just had to also stay in yeshiva for 18 years to know how to learn. Point is - keep up the learning and you will way surpass your peers in learning ability! You have a special relationship with Hashem that not everyone gets.

3) The most important thing is to not look back and stay positive! Don't think about your past years at all. Don't let a minmal look in the streets get you down. Focus and realize how INCREDIBLE every little action of staying clean is. You know how hard this is and what you went through, and Hashem gets such EXTREME nachas for every second you decide you are going to pick yourself up! Celebrate every step off the way!!

4) Lastly, we never know why things happen to us. However, it always bothered me that I got stuck into this before my bar mitzva. How could it be that before I was a bar aveira I could have this issue. I once heard from R' Wallerstein zt"l that sometimes we are born with a challenge because in a previous gilgul we failed that nisayon so Hashem brings us back for another chance. Don't feel guilty about getting stuck in this challenge and the years that went by, instead realize that iy"h after you conquer this challenge there is a special place waiting in gan eden for people like you!

כל שגדול מחברו יצרו גדול הימנו

Keep it up!!! It is an honor to have seen your posts!

please keep up with your posts, you have no idea how much Chizuk and inspiration I get from it! I was so moved by your story and journey as I can relate to many things you wrote. I am floored by your accomplishment!  Wishing you continued Hatzlacha!  

Hey @face the challenge, love this thread! the name, content, epic stuff! gives me so much happiness to see that you were lucky to be here as a bochur, keep trucking!  btw Reb real estate mogul is another awesome bochur, a real fighter! you guys have no idea how many other bochurim read this, and get inspiration. I used to get so many messages. you guys simply rock!! 

Wow! WOW! I just read the whole story. 
I cried so much. For your pain, for all our pain! I feel you in my hreart. 
I understand what you are going thru. I was (and partially still am) in the same boat. 
Sometimes the regret is so much you just wanna die. But Hashem wants us to live on and keep fighting. You can do this! We all can! Eventually we will all win this battle completly!
Keep on growing we all care deeply for your succes

I broke my rule today for my usual not going on the internet. I only have access from my tablet and i went to connect to Wi-Fi today even though I’ve been trying hard not to. The reason is because the past few days have been “pure hell” for me. I feel like the yh is doing everything it can to get me to fall because im getting super close to my 90 day goal. I’ve been plagued by images in my head non-stop for the last three days and none of the things that i usually do to get rid of these thoughts were helping. (And to make matters worse, the sugya that im doing in yeshiva is right on these topics so it’s not like I’ve been getting a chance to break free of the thoughts even when im learning! Not really sure what to do about that one because i usually don’t have to worry about anything when im learning. I don’t feel comfortable telling my chavrusa to skip a topic that the whole shiur is on and i don’t think we are going to be moving off this topic so fast… It’s been really hard to not fall. Last night i had a really vivid, bad dream. I don’t really want to talk about it, but lets just say that when i woke up at 4:30 in the morning, i immediately put in earbuds and blasted music in my hears for about 25 mins to help me get through the night (thank you to Vehkam for that suggestion). Thank g-d im still going clean, but its probably the closest I’ve been to falling since i started. I honestly forgot how fierce the yh can be… Anyway, just speaking this out helps me have peace of mind and i hope that ill be able to regroup and keep fighting with the same strength that I’ve had before.
I have to thank everyone who has been responding to my posts. I just got a tremendous amount of chizuk and i hope and pray to hashem that when he sees that i have passed this test also, hopefully things will calm down and go back to the way that they have been for most of my 90 day journey. That’s it for now. I am firmly committed to get through this week no matter how hard it gets. I never want to go back to my old habits and i got to keep that in mind no matter how much the yetzer hara is tricking me.

on another note-tomorrow will iy”h be day 80 clean!! Im only 11 days away from my 90 day goal! This is my positive reinforcement for myself(-: I’m thinking of buying something tomorrow to boost my motivation up a little bit. 
Ill be in touch-that’s all for now

Incredible to read! Remember, the only thing that lies at the other end of a viewing session are tears and a mess. Keep choosing greatness. Maybe listen to a shiur or read something you know will give you clarity/chizzuk. Sometimes you can forget the basics when the yetzer hara blows enough hot air in your face.