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For the bochrim by the bochrim
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: For the bochrim by the bochrim 12483 Views

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 05:21 #381314

  • DeletedUser1224
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Checking back in. Friday and shabbos were some of the hardest days for me since I’ve started. I was over tired and made some stupid decisions that got me triggered and that feeling didn’t go away for a long time. But thanks to all you guys out there who have kept posting and responding I managed to make it through clean. I just kept in mind how bad I would feel if I gave in and now I’m reaping the benefits of that decision. So here’s to day 55 clean and be’ezrat hashem onto may more!
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 05:41 #381315

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As for the discussion that has been going on whether or not it is/was good to have a double standard here’s my thoughts. It was good and bad. It was good in the sense that I kept myself learning,davening, etc. and didn’t openly go otd. If that had happened I don’t know where I would be today. So that’s definitely a plus. Also now that I’m fighting to get free I really want to live up to a high standard so it created a good goal for me of where I want to go and who I want to become. At the same time there were really bad things that came out of it. The pain, the deep pain that comes about about living a double standard. The way that I had to learn how to lie so easily. To cover up everything that I was doing. The thoughts of being known as good. It was a horrible feeling. I never want to have it again. But we’re not here to dwell on the past. What was done is done. Now I’m going to try and focus only on the positive side from here on out.

It always helps me to think that במקום שבעלי תשובה עומדים צדיקים גמורים אינם יכולים לעמוד. That’s crazy!! We can use our past to springboard ourselves into the highest of places. Ever think about how many other people are out there struggling the same way that you I and are. I don’t mean to belittle them at all but you should feel great about yourself that you are part of gye. You are part of the few who are actively trying to get out of this situation and that’s more than many (unfortunately) can say about themselves. Give yourself some credit. Feel good that you are actually fighting the battle. Hashem should help us all continue fighting and break free!
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 06:14 #381318

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I think there was a deeper point in frank.lee's post (if that wasn't his intention, then it's my point:wink:).

​Sure, double standards are bad for the most part (although some people still pointed out certain benefits even then). But is it a double standard, when I live up to it in some areas and I others not? It's not a "All or nothing", what I do live up to isn't necessarily fake just because I struggle in something else.

There's a story about the fourth Lubavitcher Rebbe: one of his chassidim would wear chassidic clothes when visiting his Rebbe, and would wear business attire while on business trips. After a while he thought to himself "who am I tricking?" So he decided to come to the Rebbe in his business clothes. When the Rebbe saw him he commented "and I thought you were faking by the business trips, not here..."

The point is, who is the real me? The one who is a top bochur etc who also has a real struggle in this area, or am I really OTD and just putting on a good show for everyone else?
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com
Last Edit: 29 May 2022 06:15 by bochur23.

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 17:06 #381331

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Just to add to bochur23, not directly related to the topic at hand, but an interesting thought.

Someone told me that his rebbi told him on purim that you have to make sure that today you are wearing a costume, not that this is your real clothing and the rest of the year you are wearing a costume.

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 17:19 #381333

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I agree with most of the posts that keeping up the "good side" is better then not. I was just reffering to the damage done by the strain of keeping up 2 lives.
Off the forum for now.
My Thread (Not for inspiration, but for random bits and pieces of my journey, as well as the inspiring responses of others: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/375514-Enough-is-Enough
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Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 17:40 #381335

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Bh
I agree.

i don't think we necessarily have to define it as double standard in the first place. A person is extremely multi faceted. If you ask yourself "what do i want" there are at least 2 answers that come immediately that contradict escort based on different dimensions of our identity: instant gratification and delayed graduation. And that's just a fraction of who we are....

So i think there always existed a deep seated conviction that Truth is truth and the right thing is the right thing, and even if part of me gets gratification out of xyz, partpart of me know that in the long term i want to lead a Jewish life. H how that will be reconciled, only time will tell, but i don't think it's a double standard, even though it feels like one.

I'm also not saying that it's automatic, and everyone always had that clarity during the struggle but after the fact, i think we can safely define it as such.

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 17:58 #381336

Hi all,
This is my first time posting on this thread and I'll be honest, I haven't read through all the messages. But the title and the concept are awesome! I wish I would've had this resource as a lonely struggling bachur 10+ years ago.

Ashreichem!
Keep up the great work!
We get only one chance at life.
This is not a rehearsal; it's the real thing.

Father, help me live sober Today.

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 18:05 #381337

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bochur23 wrote on 29 May 2022 06:14:
I think there was a deeper point in frank.lee's post (if that wasn't his intention, then it's my point:wink:).

​Sure, double standards are bad for the most part (although some people still pointed out certain benefits even then). But is it a double standard, when I live up to it in some areas and I others not? It's not a "All or nothing", what I do live up to isn't necessarily fake just because I struggle in something else.

There's a story about the fourth Lubavitcher Rebbe: one of his chassidim would wear chassidic clothes when visiting his Rebbe, and would wear business attire while on business trips. After a while he thought to himself "who am I tricking?" So he decided to come to the Rebbe in his business clothes. When the Rebbe saw him he commented "and I thought you were faking by the business trips, not here..."

The point is, who is the real me? The one who is a top bochur etc who also has a real struggle in this area, or am I really OTD and just putting on a good show for everyone else?

Ahhh I got it now.  That’s a cool/positive way of looking at things. I really like that story with the Lubavitcher rebbe-thanks for sharing!
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 29 May 2022 20:44 #381346

  • vehkam
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Nitzachon wrote on 29 May 2022 17:40:
Bh
I agree.

i don't think we necessarily have to define it as double standard in the first place. A person is extremely multi faceted. If you ask yourself "what do i want" there are at least 2 answers that come immediately that contradict escort based on different dimensions of our identity: instant gratification and delayed graduation. And that's just a fraction of who we are....

So i think there always existed a deep seated conviction that Truth is truth and the right thing is the right thing, and even if part of me gets gratification out of xyz, partpart of me know that in the long term i want to lead a Jewish life. H how that will be reconciled, only time will tell, but i don't think it's a double standard, even though it feels like one.

I'm also not saying that it's automatic, and everyone always had that clarity during the struggle but after the fact, i think we can safely define it as such.


Perhaps I misunderstood your post. In my understanding if something is not allowed in a Torah true life, then acting on those impulses can never be reconciled with our ultimate goal of leading a Torah life.  

The only way to make peace with those actions is to compartmentalize and “turn off” your true values for the moment.   This compartmentalization allows for a second identity that is not restricted by the rules that we follow in “real life”.  It also cannot be reconciled with our true values.  

as time goes on this second identity can become bolder and stronger and if that happens at some point the compartmentalization does not work any more and the double identity can create an unbearable strain.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
Last Edit: 29 May 2022 20:50 by vehkam.

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 30 May 2022 03:26 #381355

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Double identity - yeah!

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Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 01 Jun 2022 00:46 #381413

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Bh got to day 58! After Friday/Shabbos which had some of the hardest moments since I started, things let up and so far I’ve been having a pretty easy week. Looking forward to getting to day 60 soon!!
That’s it for now.
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 01 Jun 2022 01:00 #381414

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My latest find on the forum and I had to share it with everyone in case you haven’t seen it yet. (And if you have seen it, it can’t hurt to see it again).

Get ready for this!

A talmid of Rav Eliezer Geldzahler left his yeshivah, Ohr Yisroel, and went to learn in another yeshiva. The new yeshiva, in a European city, was different from what he was used to, and it was far from New York City, which was home. The young man felt homesick and unmotivated, and eventually, he took a day off, roaming through town instead of going to learn.
He did this for one day, and then the next day as well, walking the streets and relaxing in the local park rather than learning in yeshivah. He felt horrible, but it was too hard to stop. On the third day, he knew he had to call his rebbi, Rav Leizer. 
It was an overseas call, an expensive proposition back then, and the rosh yeshivah wasn't easy to reach, but eventually, the boy got through.
"Rosh Yeshiva!" he cried out when he heard his rebbi's voice. "I'm so broken...I am in such a bad place."
Rav Leizer listened as the talmid admitted that he hadn't learned in several days and wasn't davening well either. "Listen to me," the rosh yeshiva said. "I think you should go and drink a l'chayim and rejoice - you're a fortunate young man." It seemed a strange comment and the talmid wondered if his rebbi had heard him correctly.
"Yes, drink a l'chayim," Reb Leizer reiterated, and he explained. "The Ribbono shel Olam has over 7 billion people in His world. How many of them do you think experience pain and heartache when they don't sit by a gemara for a few days? How many feel the anguish of being distant from Him? So few. You are a minority of a minority, a person perceptive and sophisticated enough to know his mission and to feel misery at having missed a few days - ashrecha, how fortunate you are, how sensitive you are! Go drink a l'chayim to celebrate what you feel, and then go start again!"


This is an excerpt from Nishmas by Yisroel Besser and I think it's relevant for all of the chevra here at GYE.

We are sometimes very down in our struggles and feel terrible about falling. Don't get me wrong - obviously we don't want to fall. But we have to realize that the fact that we are on GYE in the first place means that we really care about stopping and enhancing our relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam and thats something we should all appreciate about ourselves and not something that we should take for granted that we have this ability. 

Hopefully this gave at least one person some chizzuk.


credit for this post goes to E.h.
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 03 Jun 2022 04:01 #381492

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Day 60 let’s go!!! Have a great Yom tov everyone!! Thank you for all for your support-I couldn’t have done it without you guys!!
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 07 Jun 2022 02:57 #381536

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One of the hardest Yom tovim I ever had. I ate at a couples meal that I didn’t realize some of my friends wives were not in the same place that they used to be (not to go into any details…). But I was having some of the strongest urges that I ever felt since I started this journey. Shavuos morning davening after staying up the whole night was murderous. I was overtired and my yetzer hara made me keep thinking about that meal for hours straight. I didn’t want to go to sleep because I was afraid of having a wet dream after having so many hirhurim. In middle of mussaf I managed to muster the strength to go get a גמרא and I learned for about 10-15 minutes during davening. ( I don’t care whether it was halachicaly correct to be learning out loud during chazaras hashatz, I needed to do whatever I could to get my mind into a different place.) Anyway it worked for the most part. When I got home I read a book in my bed until my eyes wouldn’t function anymore and bh I made it through clean. After that episode I was still struggling over Yom tov but not nearly as bad as that first day and I managed to keep clean for the rest of Yom tov. Now I feel great that I succeeded.
That’s it for now!
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum
Last Edit: 07 Jun 2022 02:58 by DeletedUser1224.

Re: For the bochrim by the bochrim 07 Jun 2022 03:22 #381538

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On another note, starting this week im only going to have access to gye once every week or two. I got rid of all internet on my phone so i will only be able to access the site from my tablet (which has while-listed internet), and i will only have access to Wi-Fi about once a week. So, i will no longer be able to be as active as i was on the site.
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum
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