Wow what an inspiration!! Your amazing! I can relate and have much respect for you! May Hashem give you the strength and courage to keep fighting this battle. 

I’m still in bed sick but I’m feeling a bit better. I decided to use this time to post some of the gedarim that I made. If you find them helpful, use them. If not then make up something yourself that will work for you.

Tips round 1:

First and foremost I want to reiterate something that has been stressed on gye countless times. Don’t wait until you are in the clutches of the yh to figure out how to get out. You always got to be on top of your game making sure that you don’t let the yh in the door, even the tiniest step. Focus while you are strong how to make sure you won’t start slipping. It’s a ploy of the yh to let you get overconfident and make everything fall into the background. Always remember the גמרא that says
והא תנן אל תאמין בעצמך עד יום מותך שהרי יוחנן כ"ג שמש בכהונה גדולה שמנים שנה ולבסוף נעשה צדוקי
Think about this for a second. יוחנן was at least 93 years old because you can only become a כהן גדול after bar mitzvah. And if he wasn’t on the highest of madreigas he would have been killed upon entering the קדש קדשים. And he failed in the end. Now if the גמרא says that יוחנן made the mistake of trusting in himself, then certainly I and you are no better. We have to make sure to keep our guard up and make sure the yetzer hara doesn’t get us. With that in mind here’s my first list of things to keep in mind for the fight.

Shower time- I found that this was one of the areas in life where I fell the most. I tried making gedarim of having to shower fast, to only shower during the daytime (when I wasn’t so tired) and that didn’t really work. What I found to be the most helpful (albeit being annoying at first) was to wear shower shoes. Be it crocs, slides, it didn’t really make a difference. It gave me a feeling of being grounded in reality and honestly diminished my tavah like crazy. Try it. If it works for you then let me know. (I have only fell in the shower when I had my shoes off-so I committed to only shower with them on)

Bathroom-got to make an absolute no policy for bringing my phone into the bathroom. That’s it.

recreational internet use-besides for being a huge time waster, it always ended up causing triggers from pop-ups and pictures that I hadn’t planned on seeing. I would suggest using a white list. It’s super annoying at first and for the first few days you have to keep adding sights as you see what you need, but after that it makes the internet a way smaller nisayon. There’s no more pull to keep finding things to satisfy your entertainment (which for me always lead me to fall), rather you use the internet for what you need and then you come off.

youtube and similar platforms-to quote what someone else said on gye “YouTube is a portal to hell”. There’s absolutely nothing good that will come out of it. It doesn’t matter what shiur you want to find, you are bound to see not tznius women. It’s a trick of the yetzer hara to get you to listen to shiurim.

online shopping-I think that in order to do this safely you have to have your wife/sister/mother get you into the section that you want to look at and make sure that there are no non-clean images. I have slipped to many times by searching for something innocent. For example, I wanted to buy earplugs on Amazon and I thought that there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that. It turns out that in order to advertise earplugs, you need to show women in bed to let you see what they look like. And this is just one example. The world of advertising today has become one cesspool. The marketing teams are just displaying pritzus and znus to get you to buy their products. So buyers beware!! Don’t let your yh trick you into slipping.

Malls vs Jewish stores-again I have to say that a mall is one of the mostly dangerous places for me. Be it the people who are shopping there that are dressed immodestly or the window shop displays that are horrible, it’s not worth it. I found that I wanted to go to the malls because they have a bigger variety of stuff and I can usually find a cheaper price on the things that I want. I think g-d is much happier though when I go to a Jewish store and have less selection, spend more money, but don’t have to see all the schmutz in the mall. Those extra dollars that I spend and the convenience that I give up will be with me forever in olam haba!

more to come later

wow i'm so impressed, i'll add my two cents, once to rewire your mind you it will be much easier for you to saty sober even when you wont have the option of staying in your bounderies you set, like you wont NEED your shower shoes etc. to stay clean, 
keep up my freind youre a great inspiration for all of us

I just finished my celebration of 50 days with sushi and ice cream(-: I feel disgusting right now (because I ate to much) but it’s the most wonderful feeling of disgust that I ever had!! This was the first time I ever celebrated my accomplishment and I hope that with hashems help I will continue having hatzlacha in my journey.

Wonderful. Many more. I think you should start preparing for your 60 day celebration. Or 70 days.

Thank you for all these ideas. They are great!
Just to add, there are websites for shiurim like kol halashon, torah downoads, torahanytime. I enjoy Reb Yosef Viener on Torahstream. No need for Youtube

Thank you @FTC. Your post is very well worded and very inspirational. I relate strongly to it. You should have continued hatzlocha.

Day 51 passed. I had one of the best second Seders of my life this afternoon after my celebration meal. I was on such a high and it carried over for the afternoon. Thank you hashem for giving me siyata dishmaya!!

Day 52 passed. I had a rough night last night. Woke up in the middle and was lying in bed not being able to fall asleep for a while. I was half sleeping and I had strong taivos but I remembered what @hhm told me. He said that it’s ok to have a taiva and you will learn to live with it without running to p and m. I also thought about all the comments that people post after a fall and it really helped me push through the rest of the night and today. Thank you all!

Great that you were able to push through. When I can’t sleep in such situations I usually turn on either something interesting on the parsha or music. Works wonders 99% of the time.

Wow ur story was really honest and inspiring.
(Also, I love long stories)

Now, a personal rant:
It seems to me that a common theme about a decent chunk of GYE posters is that we pretend or are thought of as “the top” of our shuir, our yeshiva, etc. but it’s (in some way or another) a façade. I too am like that. It always felt so anticlimactic that people thought that I was the top of the totem pole when it came to ruchniyus but it was all fake, and I did it in order to hide the fact that I was dying inside. I’m still recovering from that attitude/lifestyle to this day. 

I think the main reason for this is the chazal that says: “the greater the person, the greater his yezter is”. 

I in general think that many people try to cover up their problems (like depression, anxiety, social awkwardness) by trying to act more frum than they really are. It actually helps more than it hurts. Not only is it fake and not what Hashem wants (because “רחמנא לבה בעי - Hashem wants your heart”, not ur fakeness), but it is also detrimental to your attitude about yourself. In order to feel good about yourself you have to live up to a fake standard - one that also requires validation from others. This certainly won’t help solve your problems; it will just make you dependent on other peoples perceptions of you and on your fake validation to yourself (by acting frummer than you really are).

The way to solve this is to just act like yourself, not try to be fake and all “holier than thou”. I still haven’t figure out the way to quit p and m, but I’m trying every day. 

Okay that’s my rant, I hope you enjoyed.

Koshereyes wrote on 27 May 2022 01:41:

I would also add that living the double life puts tremendous strain on you in general, since you're concious of how every statement and action can lead to people discovering your "dark side". Therefore, I think some of the social awkwardness and anxiety may actually be caused by this

I appreciate the previous two posts but i think of it differently.
i think it is better to keep up the good look as it keeps you from worse things...

I think the problem is that ppl think they are really so bad inside, it is all fake... But really that is wrong. They don't realize that it is normal, Hashem have them the challenges, still loves them... And really they are very holy!!

Wow ftc you're really something special. I also relate to a lot of what you've said

I really can relate with frank.lee's post. I am looked up to by other people (or at least I feel that) and it has held me back many times from doing something that would make me feel disgusting.
In reality every yid should have such a feeling how can I do something so low. But when you see people view in a certain way, you feel you need to live to that standard. If not, it will be a fake. If someone is fighting and is falling, it is not a fake. Everyone is struggling in something. Only if you give up the fight, but still act outside like "the top" then you now are living a fake.

You don’t even realize the impact of ur story, I’ve been trying to get out of this for a really long time and have been exposed around the same age as u, someone recommended this to me and ur story was the first thing I read. U changed everything for me because the hardest part for me was feeling like I’m the only one like this and I’m hopeless but ur story touched me in a way that I can relate to an extreme extent, god bless. Lots of hatzlacha