Day 1

[some stuff about falling and getting up again]

connected wrote on 01 May 2023 16:01:

connected wrote on 01 May 2023 16:01:

Update:
Day 0

[some stuff about falling and staying down in the cozy mud]

One of the strongest things I'm learning is that if I hold off my desire to masturbate when I feel an internal squeeze, there are big chances that I'll emerge on the other side with a newfound realization about myself.
Usually, these realizations are not pretty, to put it mildly.
About my fear of rejection and how that negatively impacts my marriage.
About how I think I'm better than others.
That I'm lazy even though I put up a mask of the opposite.

I've come to appreciate these "downloads" as they cut through my bulls**t defenses and point out where I'm at.

Right now, I'd love to masturbate like I haven't in three weeks.
I wonder what load of steaming manure will be revealed to me if I remain centered.
Kinda scary and exciting at the same time.

Asking The Almighty for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Why is she never available?
Why doesn't she ever initiate?
Does she even have sexual desires at all?
Is she healthy?

Dude, ever considered pointing that finger at yourself for a minute?

Why am I always thinking about sex?
​Why does everything I do carry with itself an undertone of "Maybe this will make her wanna have sex."?
Why did I program my brain that orgasm is the only way to cope with stress, anxiety, and any unknown emotions?
How much porn did I watch that created this false narrative in me of her initiating?

You're not her victim. If anything, you're your own.
Now stop kvetching and start accepting your issues as your own - because they are.

End rant

connected wrote on 27 Jun 2023 17:33:

And just maybe we can say - You're not her victim . If anything she is yours.

redfaced wrote on 27 Jun 2023 18:20:

Now that's what we call too true to be good!

Thank you connected
Great stuff

So now I'm at this point of my cycle:

What's wrong with masturbation? Porn, I understand; it creates unrealistic expectations, it objectifies women (or men), but masturbation?
My wife should thank me that I masturbate. If I wouldn't, I'd be nudging her non-stop.

Usually, after this point in the cycle, I indeed masturbate, and then I somehow remember my initial reason for wanting to stop.

This life thing, I tell ya, it's a heck of a ride.

Y'know, at some point, I realized that this "struggle" has nearly nothing to do with porn or masturbation.
This realization keeps hitting over and over again.
And every time, I'm all like, "Oh, my! What a realization!"
And then I feel kinda stupid because I said this last time too.

But seriously, I feel like one of the biggest tricks employed by the Other Side is fooling us into thinking that this is the issue that needs to be focused on. The particular action, the fetish, the urges, the desires, all that nonsense. So that even when we decide we want to grow in life, we end up falling for the decoy.

I'm not saying that this can't be an issue in its own right, it sure can, and it sure is - in some cases. But for most of us, I'd say that this is a veneer, diverting our attention from the real crap.

Wait, have we discussed this already?
Awkward...
I guess I didn't end up masturbating yesterday, and I have some post-not clarity.

connected wrote on 04 Jul 2023 19:22:

My friend, you are mamash connected- chazara is the ikar. The realization hitting repeatedly is a wonderful truth to bear, if it can be held, and contained, in action. The more times we think and act in tandem, the deeper it sinks in.

I have this stupid itch to post - even though I have nothing to share.
It's that little kid inside desperately flailing about and yelling, "Hey, everybody! Look at me! Gimme some attention."
Dude, shut up.
You're embarrassing yourself.

That's what I wrote before realizing that I can just be honest and write what I've been up to the last few days.

After making it to 30 days without watching porn or masturbating, I did both. That was last week Wednesday.
Last night I got hold of an unfiltered device (leave it up to me), and I watched porn but did not masturbate. So as an added treat, I get to feel self-righteous.

It's funny how the mind will rationalize whatever direction it sees fit.
When I masturbate without watching porn: Hey, this is a natural thing to do; at least I'm not watching that stuff that messes up my expectations, yadda yadda yadda.
When I watch porn and don't masturbate: Wow! Now that's real strength. You're awesome, man!

Oh, for the love of fig newtons...

I'm feeling empty.

That's usually one of the ingredients in the recipe for acting out.

Update?

Hashem Help Me wrote on 08 Aug 2023 00:39:

Update, you ask. Well, here it is.

Thursday: I didn't end up acting out.
Friday: I masturbated - no porn.
Shabbos: nothing.
Sunday: nothing.
Monday: Masturbated twice - both times with what could be considered porn.
Tuesday (thus far): I wanted to masturbate in the morning, but then I saw HHM's inquiry so I wanted to be able to finish this post on a high note. Thanks, ego.