So I fell today in the morning (on a different device. I've blocked it now, and the only way to use it would be to factory reset it which I don't think I'll do since I don't want to lose what's on it).

I've also made up with my friend to text him before and after using the unfiltered computer. In addition he'll check in with me at night if I used it without texting him, and I'll have to give a dollar to tzedaka.

Once I messed up today, it motivated me to get a move on the flight to freedom program, so I finally did the reasons for change unit. I'm probably doing it wrong, but the only things I was able to think of were marriage-related. I guess those are the most important reasons to me right now, but it's bothering me that I don't see a need to change besides for that (meaning, I don't see how this is affecting me negatively in my current day to day life). I'm worried I won't/don't have enough motivation to fight right now if it's only to have a good marriage in the future.
anyways, now I'm up to the CBA (cost benefit analysis).

While you are struggling it is often difficult to see how it is affecting you.

bochur23 wrote on 21 Jun 2022 05:04:

Based on my experience marriage doesn't change much. The waste of life just continues till you face it head-on.

Hi Sorry for your fall. 

if your not motivated and dont see a reason to fight, why are you? 

I didnt do the F2F program now, but as I recall there is a part of identifying your values, and see if this behaviors are getting in your way. Like if you value connection, and you value connection to Hashem, do you feel like this is getting in your way of a close relationship with him? Or if you Value authenticity, is this a contradiction to that? Going against our values usually causes us inner turmoil, and not feeling good with ourselves, and might be a good and clear motivator.

Best luck to you!

yechielmichel wrote on 21 Jun 2022 13:28:

I never said that I think marriage is the solution. I've been on here long enough to know better .
I was filling out the "reasons for change" worksheet - i.e what is motivating me to work on changing. My worry is that I'm not motivated enough to change for my present situation, only for my future. I don't see that "waste of life" right now, to know that it'll continue after marriage as well.

Hey! Although I am married now, I was a Bochur just a few short years ago and didn't put the same fight you are putting up with your yetzer harah. You are getting a big head start. You are an inspiration!!

Sapy wrote on 21 Jun 2022 13:51:

I'm motivated enough to be on here and try, but not yet to do whatever it takes (if I was, I would've spoken to a few people in person that I think would be beneficial. But I'm too uncomfortable...)

But you are right, I got too caught up in that specific worksheet. I forgot about the core values worksheet which I think is what you're referring to. I guess that's also my motivation.
But that as well is more in the bigger picture, that my actions don't align with my values. I'm worried that I don't have motivation to change in the moment. Why is it bad for me to act out right now? I don't know if there is, and I might have to just push through by thinking about "the bigger picture" (future; values etc).

bochur23 wrote on 21 Jun 2022 16:57:

I was at this stage for years before deciding to do whatever it takes. That was when I joined GYE B"H. The problem doesn't go away on its own, but the steps I was afraid to take before I went "all in" turned out not to be as scary as I thought. Inertia is the most powerful limiting factor to growth.

it might be helpful to turn this around and look at it from a different starting point. What are your goals for today? how you would optimize your time each day? What do you want to accomplish? What does the person you want to become look like - how does he act? if you don't have set goals yet you might want to think about that.

Once you have goals in place, you can take a look at each of the activities in question and decide if they are bringing you closer to your goals or taking you further away from your goals.

even if you have no goals and you are ok with coasting and just taking life in as it comes (which i don't recommend!), you might want to consider the addictive nature of these activities. Do you really want to remain trapped in the grip of your desires? Many people will tell you that the desires can become much stronger if you don't deal with them early on. Why not deal with it now before it becomes much more difficult.

Each time you give in without a fight you are risking elevating the desires to a level that will slowly take over your life. The fleeting pleasure is so miniscule compared to the pain that accompanies anyone that struggles this.

None of this will stop you "in the moment" if you don't commit yourself thoroughly and prepare yourself before the situation arises.

Why should we care what Hashem wants?

In our generation as has been pointed out, relying on punishment is not recommended and I can testify for myself that knowing Rabbeinu Yonas from the Third Shaar about this issue doesn't help when you're in the grip of the yetzer and might also not be the most helpful in motivating for long term strategies in fighting the yetzer hara.

It also potentially doesn't help that for single guys you can pick up and go after acting out without the associated guilt of being in a marriage (clearly not always the case since there is also depression associated with single guys struggling). I think this somewhat parallels the world outside where people 'go crazy' outside the confines of marriage.

So what are we left with? I think we are left with the realization that we are already in a loving relationship. One with the master of the world. Many ways to tap into this relationship. Personally I like Rav Pincus but there are many others.

Then what? Then we can perhaps ask ourselves does Hashem (who sustains us every second) want us to focus on this yetzer hara or exams/other things.

Apologies if this is off base.

Thank you everyone that responded, especially vehkam for the different angle of looking at it.

Busy days, been clean boruch hashem.

Went home for shabbos, so far clean for today.

I'm in a little bit of a tough situation (though not unexpected): My parents want me to start shidduchim. Like right now. They already have some suggestions that they want to look into. I would also like to; I'm already 24 and most of my friends are married, some already with a kid (I've done a few וואך נאכט shifts recently  ).

But I don't think it would be healthy for me in my current situation. I'm still struggling too much and haven't yet had steady success, although I think (hope...) I'm going in the right direction. I also can't imagine myself telling a girl about this (My issue has been serious and long enough that I don't think it's right not to tell, unless someone can convince me otherwise).

Although my parents know that I've struggled in the past, they don't know the extent of it and think that after I had four consultations two years ago - I'm all good.
I think they realize something isn't right since I keep pushing them off, but I don't feel comfortable telling them I don't want to start since I'm still watching porn.

I don't know how (or if there is even a way) to handle this well.

Great shayla! My personal opinion is that you are very normal, like most healthy bochrim, and if you stay shiduchim and get engaged beH, it can help you get a clean streak...

I think no reason to tell your wife in general, she likely won't be able to understand...

Be healthy!

One more point - can you ask your therapist? What about a Rebbi who knows you, v who you feel comfortable consulting with openly?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but just wondering: these are articles on this website, Does anyone know if the official advice changed since then? Because I've seen a lot of people give other advice without any pushback at all. Does nobody agree with these articles anymore?
or am I misunderstanding something?

https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/rabbi-twerski/item/dating-as-an-adict?category_id=292

https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/disclosure-while-dating?category_id=36

https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/dating-advice?category_id=36

https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/do-i-have-to-tell-my-date?category_id=36