I had an experience this week that I would like to share.  I believe that it can be helpful to many.

My father passed away six years ago this week, after a steady decline of over fifteen years.  I was not particularly close to my father.   when I was young, his role was the disciplinarian. I was very dedicated to him, especially when he was in a state of decline.  However,  when he passed away, I did not miss him.  My father had a somewhat closed personality and the concept of unconditional love was not something I knew existed.  (It is possible that he had it, but it did not register with me.)  I did not speak by the levaya.  I did speak by the shloshim and everyone cried, but that was it.

Every year I would go to the kever by the yahrtzeit.  It was a pretty empty experience.  I would show up, say some Tehillim, talk a little about the kids etc, put my rock on top of the matzeiva and then leave… but I did not feel connected.

My father was a great man.  It was his commitment and courage from the time he was quite young that made our family into Shomrei torah umitzvos.  If not for him, we could easily have been another statistic in the lost/intermarried yidden of out-of-town America.  He was a growing person who was committed to torah and chesed.  He always stood up for what he believed was right.  His family was always important to him.

So why didn’t I miss him? Why was I so disconnected?

Before pesach, I was walking in the street.  I was listening to my headphones as I often do, in order to remove myself from the sights and sounds of nyc.  I thought to myself that if my father would see me now he would be so happy and proud of the life that I am now living.

Then It hit me, that the disconnect I always felt had nothing to do with my father’s somewhat closed personality. Over the years I had been closed myself! I was fiercely guarding my secrets and had an inner wall that I had put up.  It was not visible to anyone else and I seemed to function just fine but the wall was there nonetheless.  Ensuring that no one ever got close enough to see through the façade and discover all the terrible things I was doing.

Now that I am be’h living a pure life the wall is no longer there.

 (incredibly, immediately after I had this realization, the song birchas habonim started playing.  Y’simcha k’efraim umnashe… Yevarechech hashem… – the same bracha that my father said to me every erev yom kippur… I burst out crying – bh for nyc mask mandates!)

I remember vividly what happened after my father passed away.  I had the opportunity to be alone with him after the tahara.  I remember how guilty I felt.  Now that my father was in the oilam haemes he probably knew the truth about me.  How disappointed he must have felt?!  I cried and I apologized.  And I didn’t think about it again.  When I went to the cemetery every year I did not have anything to offer.  I was a fraud and a disappointment.  I went through the routines but my heart was like a stone.  There was no conncection.  I was in a closed off distant world.

When I want to the cemetery this week it was very different.  I was able to daven.  I was able to connect.  I no longer had to hide anything.  I finally felt that my continued existence in this world could bring benefit to his neshama in the next world.   So I said my Tehillim, and I davened and I cried my heart out.  I davened that I be successful in continuing this journey…  I davened that my children remain Shomrei torah umitzvos… and that we all continue to bring nachas to him.  The idea of meeting again at techiyas hameisim is no longer a source of embarrassment and shame but is actually something I can start to look forward to .

When I left the cemetery I felt so fulfilled.  I called a GYE friend and described the experience. He responded to me that “I lost my father when I was 18 and struggling like you were.  I know exactly what you mean.  I felt the same emptiness every year…. isn’t it amazing how different if feels now?”

I am sure that there are others out there that have similar feelings.  Some of you may have been lucky to have parents that expressed unconditional love in a way that you never needed to put up these walls.  I was not that lucky.

But I did have a father that loved and sacrificed for me.

He was not the one that put up the barriers… it was me all along!

I hope my experience can inspire you to start removing some of those barriers.

May the zchus of my journey and anyone that I can inspire be an aliya for his neshama.

(some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.)

Incredibly touched by this, thank you for sharing

So the last couple of days have been interesting.  The Daf Yomi  in yevamos is dealing with some delicate technical information regarding intimate relations.  This made me slightly uncomfortable.  I decided to power through it because bh I am doing well.  Had i been a bit  more uncomfortable I probably would have set these dafim aside to be made up at a later date.  I found it interesting that learning the Daf which is usually my goto safe place could actually have some triggers in it.  

I found the same thing!! i ended up rushing through it (thanks to Rabbi Artscroll) and it didn't actually trigger anything however i have to say that daf was easier to follow then the case of 6/8 brothers! Yevamos is not for the faint hearted!!

On occasion people ask me what works for me. The truth is that my inner life has slowly transformed over the past few months.  Some of these may inspire others.  Some may seem cheesy or far fetched.  Some are things I heard from others while some of it came from my own inspiration. Everyone needs to find the things that work for them.  These are the changes in my life that worked for me.

There are times that I “space out” and miss some of these points but I move forward and am grateful to hashem for whatever focus I can achieve.

(Note that this is not complete but I am trying to put the highlights of my Seder hayom into written form. Accordingly almost all of this post relates to davening as that is how I start my day… I left out the obvious פירוש המלות that is inherent in many tefilos and wrote down things where I put extra emphasis)

Saying מודה אני each morning when I get up with an emphasis on רבה אמונתך   Hashem has faith in me despite my failings and that is why he returned my נשמה to me for another day.

Watching the gye boost first thing in the morning if it is available.

focus on the יהי רצון at the end of brachos. All of this is so relevant to me.

Focus on my personal יציאת מצרים when I say אנכי ה אשר הוצאתי מארץ מצרים הרחב פיך ואמלאהו. And the fact that hashem says to daven and he will fulfill my needs.

Thinking about wanting a connection with hashem when I sayנפשנו חכתה לה׳

Saying הריני מזמן את פי להודות ולשבח את בוראי before ברוך שאמר and thinking about it.

Having in mind the 13 times we say the word ברוך in ברוך שאמר that are כנגד the 13 midos of רחמים

In אשרי having in mind by סומך ה לכל הנופלים and the fact that there is no mention of a pasuk beginning with נ because we should not focus heavily on נפילה

By פותח את ידיך ומשביע לכל חי רצון davening that hashem should sustain me with רצון - desire to grow and do the right thing. (I put a comma before the word רצון)

By לכל אשר יקראוהו באמת having in mind that deep down the אמת is and has always been that I wanted to do the right thing.

Having in mind to daven by הרופא לשוברי לב ומחבש לעצבותם that hashem should heal the people around me that are suffering from sadness and depression and that he should not let me be dragged down by their sadness.

By אהבת עולם having in mind how much hashem loves me.

Focusing on שלא נבוש ולא נכלם ולא נכשל לעולם ועד. That I not be embarrassed or feel the dejection of failure for eternity.

Making sure to focus onבאהבה at the end of the bracha as I prepare to begin shma- that hashem loves me more than a father loves a child.

Reflecting that love back towards hashem as I say ואהבת

Having in mind the chofetz  Chaim in toras habayis regarding the eternal value of Torah learning when I say בשבתך בביתך etc.

Having in mind the קרן אורה on the gemara in Tanis Daf 11 regarding the things that testify about a person when saying בשבתך בביתך etc. in the second parsha

Having in mind each time just before I kiss my tzitzis that hashem loves me.

Passing the tzitzis over my eyes the last time I kiss them before letting them go.

Having in mind מלך עוזר ומושיע ומגן.   That עוזר is when I am on the right path.  מושיע is when I am struggling and in need ofישועה and  מגן to protect me from myself when I heading in the wrong direction.

Having in mind my אתה קדוש that קדושים בכל יום יהללוך refers to me (us) praising hashem.

Davening for specific cholim by רפאנו

Having in mind the those that are struggling or completely separated from hashem when I say וקבצנו יחדמהרה מארבע כנפות הארץ

Taking a deep breath before saying and focusing on והסר ממנו יגון ואנחה. (Having in mind that hashem should remove any anxiety from me)

In על הצדיקים having in mind by ושים חלקנו עמהם ולא נבוש.  That my past (and future) transgressions not prevent me from joining and enjoying the ישיבה של מעלה.  Imagining ח״ו my whole chabura enjoying the learning while I am escorted outside

continued from previous post…

In את צמח really longing for משיח. Knowing that is what a really want and there would be nothing holding me back.

When saying שמע קולינו having in mind the voices of all the sincere tefilos for things I have davened for in the past that seemingly did not get answers with a yes.  I ask hashem to added those voices to my current tefila for the things I daven for now.

When saying ומלפניך מלכנו ריקם אל תשיבנו even if right now the answer is “no” I should not come away empty handed. The experience of connecting to hashem in my tefila should in of itself give me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

If I could only daven one word it would be the word רצה. All of my essence is wrapped up in that one word.   Please hashem desire a connection with me.  (And all of klal Yisroel). ואשי ישראל באהבה תקבלברצון I think of the fire of desire that engulfed me for so many years.  That is my korbon to hashem.  Please accept it with אהבה.

  (I have a picture in my mind of a father so overcome with emotion ms of love and pride after his son lained by his bar mitzva.   The father could not contain himself and kissed his son in Shul on the forehead.  I was watching from a distance.  The son tried to say something to his father but the father was so full of love and pride that he just kissed him again.  When I saw this scene I thought to myself- that the love was so strong you could feel it- and that hashem loves us even more than that!  I try to envision this scene when I say באהבה תקבל ברצון )

TBC…..

(some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.)

Beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing all this. It's really inspiring. 

Thanks Buddy! I love it! 

Wow! This is very helpful, but I also must say I'm struck by how well-thought out your davening is. I hope to strive for that soon.

committed_togrowth wrote on 12 May 2022 03:47:

until I started this journey about six months ago I could not connect to davening.  I sometimes went through the motions but there was a block and most of it was just davening to be yotzei.  There were many skipped or missed tefilos. There were many mincha or maarivs quickly said while driving in my car. Often while driving  to or from places where I did not belong.  

The process of ridding myself from the shmutz of the last three and a half decades has been extremely raw and emotional for me.  I had really given up on ever being able to reconnect with the idealism and passion of my youth.  The excitement and relief I had in being freed of this burden I was carrying for 35 years allowed me to open up to hashem in a way that I never dreamt possible.   As I started to reconnect many of the emotions that I was feeling found their way into my davening.  This was not a planned analysis of tefila.  These were emotions, inspirations and thoughts that came to me one at a time along this process.  I am very grateful that I am able to share some of these personal thoughts in an anonymous forum in a way that can be helpful to others.   

Thank you Vehkam! You're exceedingly inspiring!!

I found particularly remarkable how you apply the words everyone says to your personal life and situation, connecting to Hashem from right where you stand.

Not to mention the incredible turnaround after so many years in a way that’s hard to fathom

Thank you very much for your kind words. I am always uplifted by the support I receive here.  

Seder hayom continued… (here you will see some of the things not related to davening).  Thanks Sleepy for the motivation to put these into written form.

When I get to Modim - switch gears.  Try to focus on how thankful I am to hashem.  I am no longer requesting, just thanking.  When I say על נסיך שבכל יום   try to have in mind all of the signs and hugs that hashem has sent me along this journey.

By שים שלום  focus on shalom with myself, shalom with others and shalom for klal yisroel and eretz yisroel.

When I say וכל הקמים והחושבים עלי לרעה have in mind to protect me from the yetzer hara and from the bad influences out there that might try to draw me back in to the world of no kedusha. Focus on עשה למען קדושתיך .

after taking three steps back when I say ואמרו אמן have in mind that we are asking the two malachim that accompany us to say Amen to our requests.  This helps remind me that these malachim always accompany me and will testify on my actions (see taanis 11a)

look forward to saying Tachanun especially on Monday and thursday and try to say it slowly.  Let the emotions out by נפילת אפים

Thursdays are special because I get to say הרחב הפיך ואמלאהו again a second time by the yom!

Say the שש זכירות  every day followed by the 13 אני מאמין.  Internalize the message and know them by heart.

Say tehillim 121 and 130

Say bracha rishona out loud.  Birchas hamazon from a siddur.

Learn the daf every day.  Try to review the daf if possible.

Always wear headphones on the train and when walking in the city.  Either listen to a shiur (preferred) or listen to music.

Do not allow myself to stay in a “bad” mood.  If needed, call a friend, take a walk, do a chesed or - if necessary - buy an ice cream or a good meal etc… recognize the mood (and its source if possible) and do what it takes to get out of it without resorting to any unproductive behaviors.

Try to post once a day on GYE. Post on my own thread and respond to others.

Daven mincha in the middle of the day if possible instead of waiting for the evening.  Daven because I want to connect to hashem, not because “I have to”.

Do not go on to social media ever for any reason.  The only exception is the twitter account that I occasionally use solely for certain customer service correspondence.

Don't go to any national news sites. Don't listen to the radio.  In the car, always put on a shiur, music or make phone calls.

Don’t judge anyone. Ever.

Push myself to daven maariv with a minyan even if I am tired.

Learn a page of Rabbi Feigenbaums teen siddur each night before going to sleep.

Read a chapter of the Battle of the Generation each night before going to sleep.  (if it’s a long chapter and it late I will break it up into two nights) read every single night including seder night etc… when going to sleep at 2-3 AM.

Put on either a shiur or music after I read so that I fall asleep without leaving my mind open to wander.  Do the same if I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep right away.

try to wake up the same time every day so that it is not a struggle to get out of bed.

Say מודה אני each morning when I get up with an emphasis on רבה אמונתך   Hashem has faith in me despite my failings and that is why he returned my נשמה to me for another day....

Thank you very much for sharing!
Quick question... Do you feel this Seder Hayom changed you and paved the way for quitting your previous life or is this the seder hayom to keep your guard up after you made the grueling decision and hard work involved in changing your life?
Thanks

great question.  there are some things that paved the way.  committing myself to learn the daf, started two years before i actually took the plunge to purge my life of all the forbidden stuff.  I do believe that committment is what gave me the strength and the zchus i needed for this struggle.  

this site, and reading the Battle of the Generation were the major factors in changing my entire perspective on this struggle and giving me the hope that i could repair my relationship with hashem.

My main focus has been strengthening my connection with hashem, and i feel that the more i am invested in that relationship, the less opening the yetzer hara has to draw me back into any of my previous lifestyle.  Accordingly, almost all of the items i list in my seder hayom are things that will reinforce and strengthen that relationship.. 

I don't suggest that anyone copy exactly what i am doing.  It is food for thought.  Hopefully anyone can find inspiration and find similar ideas that inspire them.  

A person can only be going in one direction. Either up or down.  There is no such thing as just staying the same.  My goal is to make sure that i am always slowly growing so i am on the lookout for small things that i can do to make sure i keep heading in the right direction.  I am cautious not to do anything drastic as those things  usually are very hard to maintain.